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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

174 replies

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 22:27

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

OP posts:

Wibblypiglikesbananas · 19/07/2014 00:51

What happens if SIL moves or wants her place to herself?

wheresthelight · 19/07/2014 03:26

Op ask hq to move this to the step parent forum as you will get a lot more advice from experienced people. I have only read the first page and the poster on there is an idiot.

Yanbu your dh is being a twat. He cannot have it both ways ie expect you to change dd's routine "because your are a family" and then spend all weekend pandering to the twins and ignoring the rest of the family.

Refuse to do the pick up on a Friday - the plan is ridiculous - and if he is too chicken shit to stand up in court and tell his ex that she is being unreasonable then he can deal with the inconvenience on his own. HE is the parent of the twins not you and as such it is his responsibility to deal with them and arrange stuff for them.

What sort of father is he to your dd when his older girls are not around?

And in answer to the idiot on page 1, her dd may be hos dd3 but she is pfb to the op and as such the op is quite right to put her need first.

Isetan · 19/07/2014 06:02

Your H is being a prick about this and he has assumed that your 'support' should be of the not having an opinion and doing whatever he says kind.

He's not going to break the court order, that's an empty threat he's employed to manipulate you into changing your mind. For whatever reason (laziness or lack of confidence) he's not keen on being solely in charge of his daughters for a few hours.

Your plan is excellent and prioritises all three children as his girls get exclusive time with Daddy and your DD's routine isn't drastically altered. His 'plan' prioritises his inability to negotiate a workable agreement and unwillingness to be the parent in charge, all be it for only a few hours.

The truth is he agreed to this without thinking it through because he expected you to pick-up the slack. His comment about not agreeing to the agreement if he thought you weren't going to be supportive pick-up his slack and go along with any silly solution, is laughable. He didn't ask you because a) he knew you wouldn't agree or b) he thought even if you didn't agree he could employ his 'throwing all his toys out of the pram' tactic and manipulate you into agreeing.

OP you need to put your foot down and ignore his tantruming. If you give in to this ridiculousness he might re-employ the skewed thinking and the manipulative tactics in the future, if it proves a successful tactic this time.

EverythingCounts · 19/07/2014 07:03

Nice to know he is only prepared to see his older daughters if someone else does all the work. Don't give in to this OP. His girls deserve a proper father not someone who thinks parenting is women's work.

toomuchtooold · 19/07/2014 07:06

YANBU. 2yos and naps are a total pain because they still need it but like you say if they nap too late it throws them for the evening sleep. We struggle with the two of ours to meet their needs (one sleeps like a stone all night and won't nap till 1.30, the other could do with going down earlier but how do you put one down to sleep alone while letting the other stay up and play?) They're still really little at that age and sleep's a need like food, and they need a lot of it.
Also, there's nothing un family like about splitting the duties. We do it all the time. The kids like having one to one time with us - helps them talk more too - it's not necessary always to go around in a gang.
I bet your DSC would not be the slightest put out if they got to spend time alone with their dad. It seems the smartest way to do that. Your DH seems to me to be putting too much emphasis on being this ideal of what a family should be rather than thinking about the various needs of his actual family.

CheerfulYank · 19/07/2014 07:06

What is exactly is his problem? I don't get it!

Romeyroo · 19/07/2014 07:12

I agree that he is emotionally manipulating you by saying he will not have the Friday contact.

Where did the original impetus for this extra night come from? Dh? You say you encouraged him, but did he actually suggest it first, or did SDC? Were SDC consulted by anyone during the court process? i.e does this extra night reflect their wishes. If so, can you imagine their disappointment if he pulls out? If not, sorry, but he has put their mum through the stress of a court process, not to mention the cost to both families, and he is saying I won't go?? Sorry, but how irresponsible is that? I would be beyond frustrated if I were sdc mum or you for that matter.

What does the court order actually say? Is it that they have to be collected by 6.30 or they have to stay at their aunts house or both? I am not clear on that point. I can't see how anyone thinks it is in their interests to stay in two places.

I don't think you can give in to his bullying. You can just say I am sorry you feel like that, maybe when they are older, you can sort something else out. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Sorry, I can't get over what kind of moral compass allows you to take someone to court for extra access to your dc, and then want to back out of it when you have it. He has a sister who is willing to give up her house, he has time to be daddy himself and then the normal contact as family time. And family means normal running of the family as well as fun things.

Simplesusan · 19/07/2014 07:39

Whose idea was it for him to have the dds on Friday nights?

3littlefrogs · 19/07/2014 07:52

This is all because he is too lazy/scared/incompetent to parent his children on his own.
Completely ridiculous. He sounds like a wimp.

Romeyroo · 19/07/2014 08:12

I can't imagine he has had much experience parenting his dc on his own, he has probably pretty seamlessly had someone else to do it for him.

Jinty64 · 19/07/2014 09:37

I think, in the circumstances, reverting to the Saturday morning pickup would be best. It can't be in the girls best interests to sleep at a third house and he isn't really getting any extra time with them. As they get up very early he could pick them up earlier on the Saturday morning. It may be that once their Mum realises she could have a long lie on a Saturday she will let them travel on the Friday night.

Do you have them for holidays? Could this time be extended so that they can spend more time together?

Icimoi · 19/07/2014 10:17

It would be ridiculous to throw his toys out of the pram and give up on what he has fought for just for the sake of spending one evening with you at SIL's house whilst, I assume, all three children are in bed. It would mean that when he goes for a review of access his ex can point out that he has a track record of making a big issue out of access and not following up on it.

sashh · 19/07/2014 10:18

He should go on his own on the Friday and bring the twins home Saturday morning.

Yes you are a family but that doesn't mean you all have to do everything together. The two older girls may well want time with dad and not their little sister, if they don't now then I' sure they will once they are 11 or 12.

JustSpeakSense · 19/07/2014 10:25

Just stay at home of Friday nights with DD. Soon your DD's routine will shift a bit (as will the twins bedtime) and it will be much easier, but for the next while you DH is just going to have to manage Friday nights solo!

Whereisegg · 19/07/2014 10:31

He sounds absolutely pathetic op.

I don't think I'd be able to look at my dp the same if he pulled something as wimpy as this tbh.

hamptoncourt · 19/07/2014 10:46

What whereis said.

He sounds like a big sulking baby - Yuck!

OP I would just serenely ignore him and whatever he says he is going to do now, don't get sucked into his drama.

Stick to your guns, you have to do what is right for you and DD instead of pandering to DH.

SpringItOn · 19/07/2014 10:51

The first wife has had a lucky escape. What a manchild. He just doesn't want to have them on his own and that is very sad. He's fought for this, probably causing the ex a lot of stress, time and money and now he can't be arsed? Just like that!

Make it clear to him, if he breeches the court order and brings them home on the friday, that is his choice and it will be his fault, not yours when contact ceases altogether.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 10:58

Usually step-mothers complaining about access arrangements irritate me but you are not being unreasonable. There is no reason for you to go to the aunt's house or to the swimming pool.

The arrangement is just daft. It probably will fall apart anyway as the aunt will sooner or later, and not unreasonably,get fed up of (a) not being able to be at her own house every second Friday and (b) her house being used as a free hotel every other Friday by 4 people.

WanderingAway · 19/07/2014 11:33

Things would be so much easier for all if the twins didn't have to go to bed so early meaning he could drive them straight home instead of staying at his sisters and if he grew up and took care of his own children.

When is the Friday night arrangement due to start?

HavanaSlife · 19/07/2014 12:33

He actually sounds like a bit of a twat, do you travel up with him to pick them up on saturdays

Igggi · 19/07/2014 13:39

Why would he not enjoy an hour's travel on his own on a Friday night? Sounds like bliss to me, why on earth bring your spouse and toddler along for the ride?!

hamptoncourt · 19/07/2014 13:53

Good point havana will you have to travel with him on the saturday OP?
Or the return on the sunday?
Can he bear to spend any time alone with his own DC?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2014 15:30

YANBU.

His kids are going to notice one day that him seeing them is dependant on you also being there and that he won't prioritise them. That will not be a pretty lesson to learn.

Poor kids

HopefulHamster · 25/07/2014 17:09

How's it going OP?

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