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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

174 replies

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 22:27

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

OP posts:

happygirl87 · 18/07/2014 14:05

I have no advice re the court order/ DDs routine, except to say it sounds tough all round and I sympathise.

However in terms of life being put on hold for DSCs, I feel v strongly about this. I totally agree that it does not make sense for the NRP to spend a contact weekend doing e.g DIY and ignoring his children. However, IMO it is not realistic or appropriate to assume that ALL housework, laundry, cooking, personal admin, etc will be arranged around contact. When DSD visits I think its fine and normal for a small portion of time to be spent washing up, or to occasionally pop into the bank or supermarket for example. DP is slowly coming round to this, but generally in the past has wanted to spend the whole weekend doing children's activities. I think this is basically disney dad behaviour and not good for the DSC- I really want DSD(9yrs) to be part of our family life, and if she were my DD she would definitely have small jobs to do (eg make own bed, lay table before meals) and I think it's treating her less well to constantly treat her effectively like a guest.

cestlavielife · 18/07/2014 14:24

no don't go for the first time! let him do it on his own.

just say no.

you will see them on the saturday morning. he is being really pathetic .

a grown man should be able to manage his own two six year olds...

FunLovinBunster · 18/07/2014 14:39

I would tell DH to look after his kids on his own on Friday. I wouldn't be schlepping a 2 year old round.
I can't understand why some posters are making the DSC such a priority. Your own child is just as important, if not more so given that she is younger.
The whole contact Friday night thing sounds beyond precious, and if it were me I wouldn't put up with such nonsense.

BubaMarra · 18/07/2014 14:39

YANBU and your plan sounds good.
And why they have to fall asleep in the car during 1 hour journey?? I would understand it if they were 2yo, but at 6 children usually can stay awake in the car for 1 hour.
Given that it was ex's idea it seems like she just wanted to make your lives harder and he has foolishly fallen for it. There is no logical explanation for the whole arrangement.

FunLovinBunster · 18/07/2014 14:41

Life has to be put on hold for DSC visit??? Really??
Totally unrealistic. Unless you engage servants, OP, I wouldn't put up woth that either. Even in bog standard family life there are still jobs that need doing. I think your DH needs a radical reassessment of these visits.

hamptoncourt · 18/07/2014 15:41

I just don't understand this at all.

Why do you and DD have to traipse around all over the county? Can DH not drive?

I would just tell him I wasn't going to "ride long" for collection or drop off and if he then changed the arrangement he had with XP then so what? It isn't really your lookout is it?

He sounds really wet.

georgedawes · 18/07/2014 16:01

completely agree with pictish, your DH has made this a completely unnecessary drama. I like my DD (4) in bed for 7 but staying up til 8 on a friday night is not a problem! Of course he can keep them awake in the car and put them to bed when he gets to yours.

In any case he agreed to it all so he needs to deal with it.

fromparistoberlin73 · 18/07/2014 16:18

i am shocked that have to stay at his sisters to avoid a late bedtime. they are six. they are in year 1, they can read and write FFS yet a court has ordered they cant travel after 630pm? thats fucked, also they should not be waking at 5 bloody am!

yanbu, this all slounds very "treading on eggshells"- I think you need to assert yourself, impose some normality here

that said, the stronger your relationship with them is, the easier it will be to do

also dont 6 years olds want to play at home, watch TV, chill? is he guilty or something?

fromparistoberlin73 · 18/07/2014 16:21

if he wants to breach court order, go for it! sounds like the Mum wants some "me time" which is fair enough but them staying at their aunts is fucked up and disruptive

starfishmummy · 18/07/2014 16:29

Your plan sounds good.
I also think that your Dh needs think about what he does on the eow - it sounds like he is turning it into a mini holiday with lots of activities and treats rather than as a family all mucking in together

4seasons · 18/07/2014 16:35

He wants you there on Friday night to do the " parenting work " so he can be Disney daddy . It is ridiculous dragging you and your two year old along because he can't/ won't look after his two daughters alone . Actually , won't his sister be there to help too ?

The girls will love having time with their dad on their own and having his undivided attention .

Was this suggestion his or his ex wife's ?

Just say " no " . It is an unreasonable suggestion and the idea that he only agreed to this arrangement because he thought you would be there on the Friday is nonsense . Just tell him that in that case he made a mistake and perhaps he should have discussed the details with you first .He is being a manchild .

Hellokittycat · 18/07/2014 16:41

Does he just want you there so you will look after the twins when they get up so early? Is that why he will bring them home and break a court order rather than look after them himself?

CheerfulYank · 18/07/2014 17:35

I 100% would not be doing this. No. FUCK no.

I work some evenings and my DH gets our 2 (ages 7 and 1) ready to go places by himself, does bedtime, etc, all the time! It's not even a question. He's a grownup.

The court order is ridiculous. Surely he could pick them up, dress them in PJs, and put them to bed immediately when they get home, but as he didn't challenge the order that's on him.

Your plan makes the most sense. Daddy stays with them, does swimming, and brings them home. Then family time Saturday and Sunday.

Iownafourinchporsche · 18/07/2014 17:51

It makes sense for DH to spend the night with the twins at SIL's. Hes only thinking of his needs and not his youngest DD. DD needs sleep and such a late night/early start is madness.

Iownafourinchporsche · 18/07/2014 18:00

It would be really memorable for the twins to have special time with DH. Would be nice if he took them swimming first thing Saturday then joined you both later.

Original poster

PupInBoots · 18/07/2014 22:50

He says my DSC love DD and I and want us there too, he doesn't seem to see the value of spending time alone with them at all. He's now said he's thinking of reverting to Saturday morning collection as Friday nightis ''impractical'

OP posts:

3littlefrogs · 18/07/2014 22:58

We have 3 DC and DH and I have always "split forces" to accommodate their various requirements and activities. Sometimes it can be difficult and there have been times when the youngest has been stuck at the side of a football pitch, or has had to be dragged along to something, but generally we are happy to share the DC out when we can. I thought this was normal.
Do other people really all go "en famille" to absolutely everything? It must be exhausting.

What do you do when one child has a music lesson and another has a party? Or one goes to football and the other has a dance lesson?
I think the Op is being completely reasonable and her DH is being petty.

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 23:22

I think that's up to him really. You don't want to go and spend a night at his DSis. He doesn't want to be there without you, which is fair enough too really.
So he collects them early Saturday morning. Everyone's happy.

Original poster

PupInBoots · 18/07/2014 23:28

...apart from my DSC who would like to see their dad more than two nights per month.

OP posts:

pictish · 18/07/2014 23:38

I agree with him - the Friday night arrangement is totally impractical. Why on earth did the silly sod agree to it?

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 23:55

They're spending about one hour awake in his company. And for that they have to have the disruption of being in a different bed for the night and your DP has to spend a night away from home and away from you and DD. Doesn't seem worth it to me and definitely his shout.

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 23:57

And if you did encourage him to go for the Friday night saying you and DD would come with him I do think you should try it out at least once.

Original poster

PupInBoots · 18/07/2014 23:59

Of course I encouraged him to go for it, but I didn't say I'd be there. I presumed he'd want to see his DC more. He says he's thinking of not bothering with Friday nights at all even when they can travel back as DD and I won't travel with him to collect them.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 19/07/2014 00:04

He's not listening to you, is he?

pictish · 19/07/2014 00:08

I certainly wouldn't be impressed with that latest claim.
Can he really not see his way to driving an hour and back on his own?
That's so lame.

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