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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

174 replies

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 22:27

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

OP posts:

BlackeyedSusan · 17/07/2014 23:03

ahh, I see why he wants to do stuff all togehter then, but does he not have time off in the week to be with youngest dd? (and do those chores)

WanderingAway · 17/07/2014 23:06

I think your plan sounds good. The DSC get some time alone with their dad, your dd stays in her routine & you all spend time together as a family.

I don't understand why they can't just travel back to yours the fri night though. Seven seems quite early for bedtime.

Original poster

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 23:07

His sister usually goes out on a Friday night which is why staying over isn't an issue.

He just seems to think it's impossible to expect him to do it alone because that might mean he'd actually have to think ahead and pack swim bags/snacks/colouring for the car journey etc. I don't see that it's my responsibility to ensure contact goes well - obviously I do things to make the girls welcome like buy their favourite foods/organise activities and so on but I feel like I'm doing everything in preparation then being left with DD while he takes all the credit.

OP posts:

Original poster

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 23:09

It's not that early when you consider they're up at 5 every day wandering. They'd fall asleep in the car if they travelled in the evening.

OP posts:

rosabud · 17/07/2014 23:12

I think the court order is very unusual - the twins have to be in bed by 7 so they cannot travel to your house (which is only an hour away) from 630? So they can't stay up half an hour later on a Friday night, a non-school night?? Lots of 6 year-olds stay up a little bit later than 7 at weekends. Why don't you pick them up at 630 and drive back to your house, let them fall asleep in the car and put them straight to bed, then you will all be in the right place on Saturday morning? And your DH's sister is very understanding to have her home life disrupted every fortnight. It's very surprising that the court has ruled on the basis of bedtime not being allowed to be moved by half an hour - were there any other reasons that this order was made?

cestlavielife · 17/07/2014 23:12

He is a grown man. They are Six Not tiny babies. He needs to start learning how to take care of them on his own.
Then throw in the toddler too.

Book yourself into urgent family stuff of your own elsewhere and leave him to it....

WaitMonkey · 17/07/2014 23:12

His plan is madness. Definitely stay at home with dd on Friday's.

cestlavielife · 17/07/2014 23:14

Which six year olds need to get up at five ? Does the mum have to get up early for shift work and drop them at a childminder at six am ?

cestlavielife · 17/07/2014 23:16

And if they fall asleep in car so what ? Put their pyjamas on before they get in car then they go straight to bed at other end .

Romeyroo · 17/07/2014 23:19

His plan that you should take your dd is madness. I know from my ds that if his sleep schedule is disrupted, not only was he up till 10 pm, but it took 2-3 days for him to get back into a routine and not be cranky.

Secondly, does he only want additional contact if he does not have to do it himself?!? Great that dc are seeing their dad an extra night. That he can't see his way to managing a night a fortnight himself, not so great. He is being unreasonable, he needs to step up, sorry. Besides when they are older, they will go to bed later. I feel sorry for the dc, they are spending an additional night away from home in their aunt's house, when, if their dad does not want to look after them himself, they may as well be at home with their own things. On top of that, instead of travelling then to see you, they need to go swimming to give you time to be ready. It is kind of a nonsense from both of you. Hold your ground with the overnight, but make some effort to join them in the morning. Otherwise, between you, why have you gone to the expense and emotional hassle of court?

ChasedByBees · 17/07/2014 23:20

I wouldn't go on Friday. It's not enjoyable or in your DD's best interest and it doesn't increase the enjoyment / benefit to your DSC either as they will see their sister when they arrive back.

He is going to have to suck up one night with his twins alone, it's not hard and they will enjoy it.

He should also be cooking in advance so you have home meals ready if he won't cook while they are there. If you all eat out every time he's being a bit of a Disney dad.

Viviennemary · 17/07/2014 23:21

I wouldn't be happy at having to spend the night at his sisters house as any sort of long term arrangement. It's a bit mad. I think you should all go back to the drawing board on this one.

WanderingAway · 17/07/2014 23:39

5am everyday is far too early for them to be getting up. Do they have to get up that early? Or do they wake that early because they are going to bed at 7pm.

wheresthebeach · 17/07/2014 23:43

Your plan is good. Stick to it. He's not being fair to you, or the kids. Families so different things all the time - nobody drags DD to their DS footie at the weekend! It's just excuses.

maddening · 17/07/2014 23:47

The thing is if you are in a home with dc it is quite normal for each parent to take different dc to different places - if he wants all dc together then it should be activities for all.

Original poster

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 23:52

They don't 'have to go swimming to give me time to get ready' Romey. They want to go swimming, DD doesn't. Therefore it makes sense that they go on the way to us while DD is probably still sleeping. They don't have to get up at 5 wandering, its just the time they wake up regardless of what time they go to bed.

OP posts:

Lucked · 17/07/2014 23:56

I think start with your DH doing Friday night alone but perhaps not with the swimming which could be done as a family.

They could coordinate arriving back at yours when toddler is up and head to the pool. Get your DD an insulated swimsuit so she can stay in the water longer too.

Coughle · 18/07/2014 00:08

My younger dc have naps and mealtimes disturbed because of older dc activities during the week... But on the weekend dh takes dc1 out so that dc2 can have a proper rest. We have family time together too of course.

Tbh I'd be more concerned about the precedent that's being set by you doing all the drudge work of preparing snacks and activities... How on earth did that start??

mimishimmi · 18/07/2014 00:18

How does the poor sister feel about it? Can't imagine my DB and his kids crashing mine every Friday night. Or, rather, I can which is worse. The court order really states that they can't be driven an hour away after 6:30pm because the children are usually in bed at seven? Find that difficult to believe, sounds more like the BM trying to cause trouble.

Igggi · 18/07/2014 00:19

I really don't see the advantage of the extra contact at all if it just involves them sleeping
Some posters have said families make sacrifices - when two parents are available we tag-team, no point in dc2 sitting in the car outside the Scout hut for an hour when he could be he with me, or dc1 hanging out in the toddler playground when we could be rising his bike with his dad.

Igggi · 18/07/2014 00:20

Too many typos in that post to even try to correct...

BruthasTortoise · 18/07/2014 00:25

YANBU - it will do your DSDs no favours for all normal family life to be suspended while they are with you, Disney parenting is bad for all concerned. Do not go to collect them on a Friday - that's a complete nonsense. I may be unreasonable but as far possible I try to keep by youngest (who is my Precious Third Born ) in his routine because having a grumpy out of sorts toddler just makes life more difficult for anyone. Of course if one of the other kids has an activity that falls over nap time we'll suck it up but if the option is there to avoid it we will.

affinia · 18/07/2014 00:33

Yeah I said that Iggi! We have 3 DC and our DD is same age as OPs. DS's do (too many) different activities at different times due to age difference (10, nearly 6 and 2) for us not to take her with us and so DD gets dragged around from pillar to post. She's happy as larry though.

Apart from the mad Friday night thing I was really responding to the overall feel of the OP and the title about the OPs DD's life also being put 'on hold'. She may feel that DD is a pfb but in the family she was born a DC3, and that is not a bad thing at all. She didn't like swimming but that was one thing we could all do together so she had to really, and now absolutely loves it.

BruthasTortoise · 18/07/2014 00:41

11 days out of 14 the OPs DD is a PFB though. She is used to that routine and to expect a 2 year old to radically adjust for three days a fortnight is too much. Being a DC3 in an intact or resident family is different from being a DC3 in a family where the older sibs are only there three days a fortnight.

Hissy · 18/07/2014 00:45

We had a long running thread on this before, your dp refuses to discipline them/coach them to be quieter, and expects you to look after them of a morning, while he sleeps right?

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