to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

[PupInBoots]

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

The court order isn't up for review for another year so I certainly don't want a year of dragging DD along.

We can't arrange swimming lessons for DSC because lessons are every week and we only have them every other weekend - £20 p/w when they aren't here to hold their place is more than we can afford.

DH is now saying he's going to ignore the court order and bring them on the Friday if I won't travel with DD. Sure way to get contact stopped by his exW altogether!

Would she really stop contact because the girls are in bed at 8 rather than 7?

And on a Friday night too - it's not even a school night!

They would be likely to fall asleep in the car, wake up here at 7.30 and then be up until 10/11 because they're excited - therefore being very tired the next day as they'd still be up at 5 and they'd keep DD up too. Their mum would no doubt say: 'you agreed to stay at SILs and that it was in DCs best interests but now you're breaching the court order because seeing your other DD and DW is more important to you than our DC'

I do see the DSC mums point to be honest. If they have a short sleep on Friday night, they're likely to fall asleep during Saturday day time, therefore having another late night on Saturday and another short sleep as they still wake at 5. Then on Sunday they'll fall asleep on the wayback and be up late for her and tired for school. I agree the 5 o'clock wake up is ridiculously early but we can't change it as it's what they do the rest of the time and their mum has no wish to change it.

I feel sorry for the SIL!! does she agree to all this madness??

They'd be up til 10 or 11 maybe the first time, as they're excited. But after that surely it would become routine. Even if I go and visit family (much less than once a fortnight) I wouldn't expect it to take 2/3 hours to settle a child who arrives about bedtime.

He could try keeping them awake on the journey - chatting to them, playing games, etc.

I agree with you though that if his ex is difficult and the court order says he is to stay at DSis, then he's going to cause problems if he just changes it without telling her. Any chance he could say to her that they're finding it a bit disruptive sleeping in two different places each time, and would it be OK with her to give it a try taking them straight back to his?

I really don't think you're right that driving an hour with 6 year olds between 6.30 and 7.30pm in teh evening is going to disrupt their sleep for the entire weekend. Children are a bit more flexible than that.

The staying up to 10/11 because they're excited doesn't wash with me.
Won't they be just as excited when they get to their Aunt's so go to bed late too?

They're 6 year old girls...why would they fall asleep during the day just because they went to bed late the previous night?!
IMO getting up at 5 in the morning is beyond reason!
How does their DM cope with that?
Surely she'd be interested in them going to bed later and getting up later.

OP they're 6...not 1. Even if they did have a hour's shorter sleep on the Friday night, they are unlikely to fall asleep on the Saturday daytime because of it - it just means they'll go to sleep on the Sat night no bother.

This is just a bloody carry on for nothing. You cannot be expected to conduct your every second weekend around this 7 o clock bedtime! Way too much is being made of it! It's making problems where there are none!

We ALL of us come up against things now and then that mean our kids get to bed a bit later than normal, and we don't agonise over it, or stay somewhere else for the night to avoid it. At least, I don't.

He is their father and ought to be allowed to make that call for himself. The court order is stupid, his ex is controlling, and if I were you, the whole thing would be driving me demented.

Yeah, the court order and your DP's suggestion that you and DD go along too are both stupid. However, I really wouldn't ignore the court order without speaking to his ex first.

Why doesn't he write to his ex, setting out the reasons why it is preferable for the twins to travel straight to his (fewer different houses to stay in, waking up at dad's house, feeling more like their home etc etc) and suggesting that he tries not staying at SILs for a couple of weekends. He can suggest they review the situation after it's been given a go.

If it doesn't work out and he carries on staying at SIL's with the twins, I sure as hell wouldn't be trekking over there with my small child just so he didn't have to manage a single bedtime on his own...

But they wouldn't fall asleep on the way to their aunt's house, so they'd be excited but still tired and in bed by 8 at the latest. Their mum likes them getting up at 5 because she prefers them in bed early and evenings to herself. I agree that at 6 they shouldn't fall asleep in the day time but fact is they get extremely grumpy and refuse to do anything but sleep if that's what they want to do.

He can't complain about staying at SILs as he hasn't even tried it yet - first one is next weekend. He thinks he should just breach the order immediately, I think he should stay at SILs once then ask if they can trial the DC travelling to ours on the Friday while it's the summer holidays so it's not disruptive to school if it doesn't work out.

YANBU.

And I can't understand how it's so important that two 6 year olds don't have their routine disrupted, yet it doesn't matter if the 2 year old's is.

Surely if they're all a nightmare with disrupted routines then it's stupid to priortise one routine over another when both routines can be accommodated.

The whole Friday night arrangement is the dumbest, most unnecessary thing I have heard of in a long time.
I'm not surprised your dh wants to fuck it right off.

Didn't realise this was a new system he hadn't tried yet.

In that case, you'd be best to suggest he goes along with the court order for a good few weeks at least. It's not going to look good at all to agree to something in court and then breach it on the very first weekend you have your DCs. I wouldn't even ask the ex if he can change until he's tried it out a few times.

But the court order is not obliging you to go with him. If you think you and DD would get a better night's sleep staying at home, then do that.

But he agreed to it pictish, knowing it'd be written into the court order for at least a year.

What kind of idiot would agree to the no travelling on friday nights thing?

Whose idea was it in the first place...the whole sil's house thing?

But he agreed to it

Yes, he did. For his daughters. It is your daughter's friday night and saturday morning too; and it's ridiculous to drag her around just because he can't pack some bloody swimming gear.

Why would they arrive excited at your house but not at their aunts? Assuming the toddler is in bed I can't see the difference.

If their aunts is 15 mins away from their house and you are an hour, this is a ridiculous amount of fuss over 45 mins.

It was his exWs idea originally. He could have challenged it, but didn't. He said to me he wouldn't haveaagreed if he'd known I wouldn't come. I just don't get why the girls aren't his focus - me being there or not therefore being irrelevant.

Well as much as I think the arrangement is thoroughly stupid, the foolish man signed up for it, so it's his lookout now. Not yours.

He would never have agreed to it if he'd known you weren't going to come? What a baby. Why would he even expect you to? You're his wife, not his chaperone.

Time for him to square up and follow through on the daft set up HE agreed to.

If you've never tried it though, you could go along the first time, and see how it goes. Maybe your DD might enjoy the trip. But make it clear you don't expect to come along every time.

Equally your DP shouldn't get to ditch all responsibilities for his youngest DD whenever there's a contact weekend, if you do have something you wnat to go to on a Friday night, no reason he shouldn't take DD along on his own. ie do what suits everyone best at the time. But you might as well try the new arrangemetn that you and he have agreed at least once before you complain that your DD is too disrupted by it all.