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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

174 replies

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 22:27

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 18/07/2014 01:03

I think your suggestion is perfect OP in that your DH will have to parent/organise his twins, for their benefit as well as his. It sounds to me like he thinks it's your 'job' to facilitate their visits to maximise their enjoyment without any of them (DC or him) having to worry about all the mundane stuff required to make that happen. In other words, he's taking you for a mug.

Foot down, stick to your guns, and don't tolerate any crap about you & your DD having to make sacrifices. He's a parent, he needs to step up and deal with the extra contact he secured without turning your life & your DD's life into disarray. It'll do all 3 of them a lot of good to spend that time alone without you, and actually gives you all a good balance of time with dad & time as one family unit.

MidniteScribbler · 18/07/2014 02:16

The court order makes absolutely no sense, I'd be arguing that one. Either you all have your routine interrupted, or your SIL does, or the children do. Why can't he pick up at 6, drive the hour home, then put them to bed? Or pick them up straight from school and travel home, have dinner and still put them to bed at 7? There just doesn't seem any logical reason for the decision that has been made. He's not really getting any extra contact time if he picks them up and puts them straight to bed. Bizarre. I'd be going back to court on this one.

NoodleOodle · 18/07/2014 02:27

I think he should go on his own on the Friday, and you all meet up Saturday morning. If that is to go swimming, try to look for another pool, which is warm enough for DC3 to enjoy it too.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/07/2014 02:54

How is it contact with him if he works very weekend? Surely that doesn't work either?

AggressiveBunting · 18/07/2014 04:07

Presumably he asked for the extra contact, he got it, so now he can deal with it. If he can't look after his own kids for an extra night then he shouldn't have requested it in the first place ( maybe that's why their mother opposed it). All he's got to do is take them to SILs, put them to bed, get up and give them breakfast. Your plan is by far the most sensible. Stick with it.

crumpet · 18/07/2014 04:10

The other factor is that whatever arrangements you have for now needn't be set in stone forever. Your dd will soon be 3, 4, 5 etc and she ( and the twins) will be able to stay up later, drop naps and generally be more flexible, so things will naturally evolve. The difficulties now are temporary.

RitaConnors · 18/07/2014 04:25

If they get up at 5am can't he just bundle them in the car and he would be at home by the time it was time for you and the youngest to get up.

The court must be mad to say it is better for the girls to sleep at their aunts house than it is to drive until 7.30. It means that they are sleeping in three different houses every week. How can this be better for them than being in a car half an hour after their bed time?

If you get your dd a wetsuit she might enjoy swimming a bit more. They are brilliant for keeping them warm.

Simplesusan · 18/07/2014 05:19

If he went for ex tea access then he should be prepared to look after his dc.

It sounds to me as though he wants to look like he is doing all he can to be a good father yet in reality he expects you to do the donkey work.

What is so difficult about taking 2 6 year olds swimming alone? I agree with others that it is essential for him to spend time alone with his dc.

There are 2 issues here:

  1. he needs to be prepared to step up and be a fully responsible parent after making an issue of having his dcs an extra night. This means having good, viable plans in place, such as taking the twins swimming.

  2. he is expecting you to be the domestic help in all of this. Er no , not on. He is their parent and whilst I agree you are all a family, he needs to be responsible for his own actions.

Why did he go for access on the Friday night?
Why couldn't he collect the twins early Saturday morning? Thus avoiding having to sleep at his sister's house?

I think your plan is far more reasonable.

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 05:34

Is there any chance you could get the court order changed so that your DP can just bring the DSC straight back to yours on the Friday? I get that it's means a slightly late bedtime but it would be a whole load less disruptive for them just having one place to go to, and much less disruptive for the rest of you too.

Otherwise your plan of your DP going on his own is entirely sensible. I have DSC too and we don't always go everywhere as a family. DH always goes on his own to collect them unless we're on the way back from somewhere. What happens on a Sunday evening? Does he expect you to come along then too or does he manage that trip alone?

I think it is normal in a family to choose activities that the older children like and expect a younger one to tag along quite often but if your DD really doesn't like swimming then don't take her. Go to the park of something instead.

Romeyroo · 18/07/2014 06:20

Apologies, I misread it as I was tired.

JenniferJo · 18/07/2014 06:42

YANBU. Your solution sounds the perfect one to me.

Delphiniumsblue · 18/07/2014 06:43

I can't see why the twins can't have a later bedtime- failing that your plan is better. However youngest children do have a pretty boring time sometimes when they have older siblings - that is family life.

Original poster
PupInBoots · 18/07/2014 07:26

SIL is out/stays at her boyfriends every other Friday so doesn't mind them.staying at hers.

DSC mum argued that they'd fall asleep in the car and be completely out of routine as they'd then wake up and be excited and stay up late when they got back to ours. DH just agreed and accepted the SIL house proviso so the court ordered it Hmm

Yes, originally he expected us to take them back with him on a Sunday too but to stay at SILs house afterwards so DD didn't have to travel back until Monday morning but again, it would've meant DD napping in the evening so I.said no.

The issue with swimming isn't just that it's cold, it's that we can't go near DSC as they constantly splash DD/hang off me and DD because they can't swim/jump in on/at us - what's the point of DD being there if she doesn't enjoy it and can't go near them anyway?

OP posts:
BranchingOut · 18/07/2014 08:07

I think a good litmus test is to think about what would happen if you/DD were not around. eg. he would handle the work of having his DD's himself. So why on earth can he not pack a couple of swimming bags?

I agree that you should not go on the Friday.

Also, how about making swimming a bit more structured and enroll the DSDs in a Saturday morning class? If they are 6 and cannot swim, I think from your post, this could br really beneficial.

Oh, and I second the idea of a wetsuit - look at splashabout neoprene suits.

BranchingOut · 18/07/2014 08:07

be

Ronmione · 18/07/2014 09:32

Yanbu, your dp is, I suppose the question is what happenes now. Do you go along with what he wants or stand firm.

If you stand firm what would his reaction be like

EverythingCounts · 18/07/2014 09:40

Branching makes a very good point. If you were not there, he'd have to step up and get on with all this himself if he wanted to see them at all. It's pretty shoddy for him to feel he can't handle his two oldest kids alone. How does he think their mother does it all week, magic powers?

Stand firm on you and your DD staying home on Friday. If he gets shirty I would be pointing out that it is his schedule and his decisions (including working every other weekend so his youngest DD doesn't see him then) that are disrupting family life. Not yours.

I also think Branching's suggestion of swimming lessons is good. Where I am they have them on Sat mornings. That would also take the pressure off your DP a bit in that someone else will be instructing them for some of their pool time and he can get up to speed on being in sole charge of them and organising their stuff.

NickiFury · 18/07/2014 09:41

There's is no way I would be doing what your DP suggests. Your plan is really well thought out.

HavanaSlife · 18/07/2014 09:50

I wouldnt do it, he agreed to staying out on the fri night so he can do it on his own. Why cant he pick the girls up earliwr?

Flexibilityiskey · 18/07/2014 09:52

I think your suggestion is a good one. It makes no sense to drag your DD up there every time. It also sounds like it will do your DP good to have some time in sole charge of his older girls!

Purpleroxy · 18/07/2014 09:55

A pair of 6yos can easily sit in the car from 6.30-7.30 on Friday evening once a fortnight. I would be trying to get the staying with sil nonsense altered and all stay at your house. He should leave you and toddler at home on Fri whilst he gets the girls and you can do yur routine with toddler whilst he's driving. On the Saturday I think swimming should be a family activity for all 5 of you. If your toddler was your third child, you would probably just have her tag along and not worry about it.

weatherall · 18/07/2014 10:00

He's not being much of a father to your child is he?

Works every weekend when he could be spending time with both of you. Did he even want her?

It sounds to me that your dd is getting nothing from this set up.

If you spilt up how would he do contact with your dd? Or would he just not bother?

canyou · 18/07/2014 10:01

Sad Did birth mother object to the extra night? That happened to my DBro and again routine was the excuse used, like your SIL my DBro ex suggested using mine as a sleeping place on fri night as I am half way Noone asked me was it okHmm . But I have foster kids(fostered from family) and the disruption for everyone was awful. I with the help of our social worker and the high court paper work for the custody of my DC, went to the district family court and got the arrangement over turned after trying it for 6 weeksthis is what the social worker and court clerk suggested my Dbro was allowed parent as he wanted re bed times ect have them in his own home and his DC got court mandated councelling, I an not in the UK and really thought only Irish judges made insane orders that took no heed od the needs of the family
What happens if you have a family party do ye leave early to put DSC to bed? children adapt get them handed over in their pajamas ready for bed,
Re swimming 3 dc and 2 adults would not be allowed at our local pool unless two smallest were in baby pool with one parent So in your situation we would have no swimming or swimming lessons for the older two.

Viviennemary · 18/07/2014 10:04

It could be argued that this was not even in the twins best interests. They will now be sleeping at three different locations. I am surprised a court agreed to such an arrangement. And I can't see a lot of advantage of the Friday evening contact if they have to be in bed by seven at their aunt's house.

If this was me I would say to your DH you didn't agree with the arrangements as it wasn't really convenient for anyone. And certainly not you or your DD. If this is what he has chosen then it's up to him to get on with it on his own. Sometimes you have to make a stand. If it was benefitting anyone then fair enough make an effort.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/07/2014 10:06

Pup - why did he go for extra contact time when he works at weekends?

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