Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my/my DC life to be put on hold for every DSC contact?

174 replies

PupInBoots · 17/07/2014 22:27

DH and I have an almost 2 yo and he has 6 yo twin girls. Currently we have them eow from Saturday morning until Sunday evening but from next weekend, we're having them from Friday at 6.30 instead. I'm all for extra contact and have supported DH in going for it (it's court ordered) but he expects that everything stops and changes on DSC weekend with us.

DSC live an hour away and the court order states it's too late to travel back to ours as they're usually in bed at 7 so they must stay with DH at his sisters house who lives 15 mins from them on the Friday night. DH expects that our DD will miss her nap that lunchtime and instead sleep in the car from 5.30-6.30 as she doesn't travel well awake. Obviously then DSC will still be in bed by 8 at the latest but DD would be up until at least 10/11 with such a late nap. DSC then wake at 5 am and are very noisy, so potentially DD would only get 6/7 hrs sleep. DH will then be busy with DSC so rightly grumpy and tired DD will be left for me to deal with.

DH then expects that jobs like washing, washing up and even cooking just get put off while DSC are here and that we eat out but the complete change in routine really throws DD who just wants to eat at home and play rather than be dragged along wherever the older girls want to go - I.e. They love swimming but our pool is freezing so after ten mins I have to spend the rest of the time distracting DD who really doesn't enjoy it.

I've said to DH that the Friday evening would be ideal for him to spend some time alone with his DC, likewise activities like swimming, but he insists that we're a family and so need to all make sacrifices to be with one another. AIBU to say no to this because it's DD and I making all the sacrifices and it's not fair on DD?

OP posts:
purpleroses · 18/07/2014 10:08

My DH has always collected his DC around 7.30pm, so not back home til 8pm. Youngest was 6 when this started, and he coped fine.

If they sleep in the car, and so they stay up later, so what? Maybe they'd give you a bit of a better lie in, but it's really your and your DP's issue isn't it? I can't see how you can really argue that a 1 hour car journey on a Friday evening upsets a child's body clock so badly that they are overtired when she gets them back on a Sunday evening. Also as children get older they cope better with longer journeys and later bedtimes, so worth revisiting the court order on the grounds that the DSC are getting older and can now cope fine with going direct to yours.

HavanaSlife · 18/07/2014 10:08

The op says he works weekends when the dsc arnt there

DollyTwat · 18/07/2014 10:12

I think op you should do it once, then the problems will be abundantly clear to him

Then let him do it on his own, and let him see for himself how unworkable it is

Then just tell mum that it's not working and bring them straight back to yours on the Friday

You don't have to go back to court she agrees

TypicaLibra · 18/07/2014 10:14

Agree that YANBU. What a strange arrangement. Stay home with your DC.

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/07/2014 10:16

Aah - punctuation fail...I get it now.

pictish · 18/07/2014 10:19

Well I certainly wouldn't go. Every second Friday staying at sil's just because the twins bedtime has to be 7? Get fucked...would I hell agree to that!
Why the hell he can't just pick them up at 6.30 and bring them home is beyond me! So they're an hour later in bed than usual? So what?

What a ridiculous court order and arrangement...beyond stupid.

I would be a firm NO from me.

SarcyMare · 18/07/2014 10:21

" I 'tricked' him by encouraging him to go for two nights contact"
this is a very very important line, so the change to go for 2 nights wasn't his idea but yours.
Then from his possible view you say "now i pushed you into going for 2 night contact, i want you out the way for 1 of them"
his quite reasonable response "no you wanted this you put yourself bloody out"

campingfilth · 18/07/2014 10:22

Nope not YANBU. I find that court order bizarre as it is only an hour. My DS who was 2 at the time was expected to travel 3 hours and be picked up anywhere between 5-7pm possibly even later and at no point did the court or SW say this was not appropriate. Ex no longer sees DS because he's an arse but it certainly would not have bothered me to have him sleep in the car. Very strange court order.

I think you should just refuse to go with him for pick ups and drop offs as it is totally unnecessary for you to be there. I think it is just because he is too lazy to do it all by himself tbh.

They are primarily his kids to sort out and pick up. I could never understand why my ex's new wife used to come on this 6+ hour round trip but hey ho.

andsmile · 18/07/2014 10:23

Sorry but I think you sond quite infelxible and obstructive - are you DD nap times that rigid. But equally I cane see the problem (and why a court would specify this detail) about them travelling back and being up a bit later.

That means any parents taking their children on holidays or to visit relatives that travel at different times outside of a routine are seemingly being detrimental to their DC if this court principle is applied. I dont think it would hurt 6 years olds to have a later bedtime and the be settled at their father residence rather than all this faffing about at his sisters.

I dont blame you DH for wanting to maximise his time with the DD's but I think he needs to ask for you input as it reads like he has made all the decisions re what's to happen.

Do you feel a sense of no control OP?

pictish · 18/07/2014 10:23

And btw - if that really IS the court order, it's preposterous and your dh needs to appeal. What a needless carry on...and for what? A 7 o clock bedtime? No - I would not be having it.
He needs to pick them up and bring them HOME.

andsmile · 18/07/2014 10:24

I glad others think so re court order

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/07/2014 10:29

You're absolutely correct. The court order is bloody ridiculous but if your DH didn't argue with it then it's too late now. Of course he should go and get the girls on his own! It's patently obvious. He's being pathetic.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/07/2014 10:31

Wrt the court order I assume that their mother stipulated that for whatever reason ( anxiety, control, who knows) and the father, not considering how disruptive that would be and just wanting to get contact agreed didn't challenge it, so no reason not to state it in the order.

5madthings · 18/07/2014 10:32

This is madness, what a crazy court order!

He should just drive them back on the Fri night!

Swimming if your toddler doesn't like it she doesn't need to go, though I do think it's important fir little ones to learn to swim but I would do this by taking her to age appropriate lessons.

You can't always do the same things/spend all your time together at weekend's. Especially when kids are diff ages, so your partner takes twins off to do stuff and that's fine, just make sure he does stuff with little one as well.

We are often in a diff places, doing diff activities at weekends. We all get together for dinner and have whole family days out to beach etc but with kids of diff ages they do different thungs!

And yes my toddler gets dragged along to lots of stuff due to her elder siblings but only when she has to,when dp can have her he does and I take theelder ones and vice versa!

pictish · 18/07/2014 10:38

I agree he's being pathetic.
The court order is stupid, and he's being a knob.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/07/2014 10:41

Just tell him no! He's not your boss, he's supposed to be your partner. Don't go to the SIL's with him. If he forgets to pack something they need for swimming, it will make him remember the next time, I know that's how it worked for me! Put your little one first. I have no issue saying that because you clearly make a lot of effort with your DSC's. Let him get the swimming over with, then you can all enjoy family time for the rest of the weekend. Just say no from today!

FunkyBoldRibena · 18/07/2014 10:44

They will probably sleep fine in the car after they get used to it, be awake a couple more hours and then with any luck, sleep in after 5!

He doesn't want to do it alone because he wants you to do all the hard work whilst he whistles in and performs 'happy dad' duties whilst you and your daughter are dragged around watching this palaver.

Don't let it happen!

pictish · 18/07/2014 10:49

I have a six year old and a five year old, and I couldn't get them to bed for 7 if I tried! Dh doesn't get in from work till 6.30, so dinner here is usually 7ish.
They're in bed for about 8.30 most nights.

I'm not surprised the twins are up at 5am every morning if they're in bed by 7!

Jinty64 · 18/07/2014 10:52

It sounds to me as if he was happy with the contact he had and feels you have pushed him into the extra night and now don't want to help him with it. I don't think you should take your dd to pick them up and you could argue that it would give you time to get the washing done, meals prepared etc. but I think you should go swimming as a family and deal with the issues (wet suit, more suitable pool, lessons for twins) so that it will become enjoyable for you all.

If I were the twins mother and I felt that my ex was happy with current access arrangements and so was I but the OW was pushing for it to be changed I would make it difficult too.

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 11:00

Can people please not use the term OW to describe an ex's new partner. Nowhere has they OP ever stated that she was the OW, and she's clearly been with her DP for at least 2 or 3 years.

"Ex's GF/DP/DW" are all acceptable terms. Or even "My DC's DSM"

purpleroses · 18/07/2014 11:04

(Sorry for side tracking, but that irritates me)

I acutally think jinty makes a good point, that the opposition to contact's could be being fueled by a sense that it's being pushed for that isn't one of the DC's parents. So best option is to leave the DP to decide for himself whether he gets them Friday evening or Saturday morning, but make it clear it's not a family outing.

LineRunner · 18/07/2014 11:13

What a stupid contact order. If you don't like, it, OP, and I certainly wouldn't, you don't have to go along with it.

TeenAndTween · 18/07/2014 11:33

YANBU.

My 2 children are 5 years apart in age.
Over the years there have been certain things that one did that it was not sensible to drag the other one to if it could be avoided.

So DH looked after one child and I looked after the other. It's common sense.

We also made sure we were doing things together as a family too.

(I think the arrangement of sleeping at sisters house is weird.
I also think that 'family life' should continue, including cooking and washing up. Any other way madness lies.)

The twins need to learn not to splash younger children, and also need to learn to swim. Can you get a wetsuit for your DD to keep her warm, or find a warmer pool?

LemonBreeland · 18/07/2014 11:50

I don't understand the posters who are saying that the OP should stay at the SILs on the Friday night. Most of the time on here people advocate the parent spending time with their children alone, as that is what the children need.

cestlavielife · 18/07/2014 11:51

op is not asking for access arrangements to be changed - only that she and dd should no have to go along with the [daft] arrangements. presumably court order does not dictate where op and dd should be during the dad's contact time!

the dad can keep to the court ordered plan. op does not however need to go along for sleepovers at sil's house it is unnecessary.

if the dad in fact preferred less contact well more fool him... he can always drop contact if the mum agrees.