to be a bit upset that we're no longer included in family gatherings because we asked that the dogs be closed away?

[LapsedTwentysomething]

A while ago there was an incident in which a toddler narrowly missed being bitten in the face by an ageing and spoiled dog - not what you would consider a risky breed - at a family get together in someone's house. As I have young children who are already nervous of dogs I asked if they could be closed away during family parties. This was met with a resounding no (in fact it was a bitchy no, behind my back, that got back to me). I have stuck to my guns because, as I see it, the risk is still the same, and haven't been able to go to any extended family get togethers since. No one contacts us and because of what happened I can't arrange to call round because obvs the dogs will be running around.

I'm really regarded as neurotic and ridiculous in this. They tend to treat the dogs like children which I think contributed to the near miss. That incident was blamed on the child by the dog owner.

The thing is I'm feeling really isolated because of such a trivial issue. My DM is very ill and I could use some family support, but when I saw a couple of them elsewhere recently we were harangued about it / other stuff.

It's not such a big ask is it? I have friends who actually offer to send the dogs off for a walk or to shut them out if we go round. I actually don't feel like associating with the wider family any more.

YANBU We have 5 dogs and unless people who call round are well known to us (and used to our dogs) then the dogs go away. I doubt any of them will ever do more than scrounge food but some people just don't like dogs around. I can't believe people think YABU if a child had almost been bitten in the past!

YABU for not insisting the snappy dog be put down. DB had a dog that bit his son (thankfully not badly), the dog was put down straight away. Frankly it was my brother's own fault for not training the dog properly. Snappy dogs round children are a disaster waiting to happen.

Trouble is there are too many dog owners who think their dog is more important than children. I've found that people who have well trained calm dogs generally are quite happy to accommodate my dog phobic child and shut the dog away for a bit. TBH it's not fair on the dog either to be exposed to a screaming hysterical child (she became truly terrified after some fuckwit dog owners let their dogs chase her round a playpark - that would be a playpark where dogs should be on a lead). I have a family member with a lovely dog who is slowly helping DD get over her fear but ever badly trained dog we meet in a park sends us back to the beginning.

Who are all these people who think that dogs are more important than small children?

They are being incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. What do they get out of making visitors feel uncomfortable? When we have visitors I make them feel welcome, and if it means shutting a pet out of the way then so be it.

We used to have two cats. One friend absolutely hated cats, and it wasn't a big deal to remove them from his presence.

YANBU at all, and those who think you are are just being thoughtless. Not everyone likes dogs.

I don't want people in my house who freak out about my dogs. I choose who comes to my house. That is my right as a householder. Have never had a problem with any friend of the DDs from refusing to come over because of the dogs and my dogs have never snapped at anyone - child or adult and are well trained and under control. Outside the house they are always kept on a lead because I don't want them being put in a difficult position. As far as my family are concerned the dogs are part of our family. If people don't like or don't understand that, then it really doesn't matter to me.

Are these family members 'close' relationships, e.g. siblings (which I can see would be awkward, because not only are your parents central to it all, but also you presumably want to see any nephews and nieces), or are they more 'distant' e.g. cousins? If the latter then maybe the least stressful route would be to leave it a while, and not bother seeing them.

Also LapsedTwentysomething, as I asked before, why do your friends' dogs have to be shut away? Are they snappy too, or is the issue with the family dog starting to affect you allowing your DC to be with dogs at all? That would be a pity.

Love me love my dog.

Sorry, I put people first.

I am not a dog hater BTW. I grew up with dogs and am perfectly comfortable around them, but I get that not everyone is.

"my dogs have never snapped at anyone - child or adult and are well trained and under control"

Well, that's the difference then isn't it zeezeek.

Out of interest, zeezeek, would your response still be 'fuck off it's my house' if you'd actually seen one of your dogs try to bite a small child?
Sorry, I know very few dog owners and I'm just trying to gauge this.

I adore my dog. However, I would and do shut him in another part of the house if we have fearful visitors. I'd hate for a guest to feel terrified in my home. As a child, I was beyond petrified of dogs and I always think back with kindness on the people who didn't force their dogs upon me. So, it's time to pay it back a little.

YANBU.

I have a lovely, well trained and child-friendly dog who has never shown aggression towards anyone, but absolutely would (and do) put her in another room if my guests were afraid or nervous of dogs. I do this because I value my family, their children and it my dog may miss out on some of the fun but she will get over it!

I am that any adult would insist that a scared child should either tolerate the dog(s) or be shown the door. And this is family?

To quote a pp:

Their response IS 'fuck off it's my house and I'll decide what to do'. Which makes them shit family members who don't give a toss for you or your DC. Stop going, and don't have them round

Absolutely.

You are better off without them OP.

P.S. Some dog owners I know do put their dog first to the extent that it is very well aware of it's priority in the "pack." It's this that makes a dog more likely to attack irrespective of breed.

YANBU and your family sound very unsupportive. I agree that you probably need to find some better support elsewhere.

I love my dogs. They're gorgeous soppy bundles of black curly cuddly fur. They are allowed up on laps on sofas, they are allowed all over us when we are on the floor. They are absolutely family members.

But when people visit, if they don't like dogs (as my sister doesn't) then the dogs go in their crates, with lots of chew toys and treats to keep them entertained. It's daft to suggest that I subject my sister to the dogs (which she would hate) and equally daft to subject the dogs to my sister (who would flap, make high pitched noises and upset them). As I adore both dogs and sister, I keep them separate. Keeps everyone happy!

I love dogs. I grew up with dogs. My youngest 3 DCs grew up alongside my 2 giant breed dogs.

Over the years there's been occasional visitors to my home (young and old) who have been wary of dogs so my dogs have stayed in the kitchen or the garden for a bit. It's no big deal. What is there to stress about? I'd have done the same with the cats too. They're animals. They'll be fine. We had a baby gate between the kitchen and the living room for precisely this reason. In fact when new visitors came to the house we'd put our big dogs behind the gate until the visitor said we were ok to let them out.

An interesting thing though - i learned this healthy attitude to handling dogs from my parents when i was young. They loved their pets but weren't daft about them. HOWEVER - roll on a few years until i'd left home and wanted to bring DCs round to visit and what do we find now? Nasty, bitey, yappy dogs treated like ''one of the family'', never shut away, being fed scraps off the table, growling at visitors, and having excuses made up for them for snapping at the kids!

Why? What happened to their healthy attitude to pets? Baffles me.

So the owner won't shut the dogs away?

But are these dogs also taken to other rellie houses?

And they won't shut them away either?

Annoying for you OP.

I lock my dog away for people with dog phobia, but there is a time limit. Say, a bbq that starts in the afternoon and runs late into the evening... I couldnog lock her away for 6 hours!

Could NOT lock her away...

I love my dogs and know that in normal circumstances they would never bite anyone, they never have and have never shown any indication. However I would put them away at a large family gathering without any request to do so, (the only exception is with my side of the family where we have get togethers which end up with 13 dogs!) and would never expect anyone to put up with them.

I'm very conscious that they are big dogs, they have a loud bark and can be intimidating (labs) to anyone who is nervous or unused to dogs and always make sure they are behind another door when someone comes to the house - I don't get the attitude of "if you don't like it don't come round".

Your extended family sound odd if they totally ostracise you over the dog issue and it sounds as though not socialising with them is a bonus. Are you able to see your ill mother or are the dogs stopping you doing that? If you're seeing your parents I'd leave the rest of them, I think you wanting to see them for support sounds unrealistic as they don't sound supportive people. Find friends to support you.

If I have a party, people come to my home, which is also the home of my pets. One Aunty and uncle have never been due to her allergies.

I'm afraid that's the crux of it for me. I understand people's preferences and they are free to hold their own get togethers if they wish.

I personally would move the dog so yanbu.
On the other hand there was an incident involving my old dog and a child and I still allowed ddog around children.
Just after FIL died MIL had a gathering in her house. We were staying with her for support so ddog aged about 10 was with us,ddog had fairly recently had surgery. MILs friends bring there granddaughter with them who has various learning difficulties.Child is around 9 years old but large for her age. I supervised contact between child and dog and carefully explained to be gentle.As soon as it became apparent that child did not understand and kept jumping on dog I removed dog and put her in a bedroom.
Went to tell the childs gps ( not in a nasty way)who just smiled and said "oh, she likes dogs"
In the meantime child has found dog in the bedroom and is jumping on her. Tell the child " no,you will hurt her and dog is going to sleep"
Didn't want to lock dog outside as it was January and about -1

Arrgh posted too soon.
About -10.
This continued several times. Gps would not intervene. I brought dog back into main room and sat her next to me to supervise. Asked gps to distract child. Child jumped at dog again. Dog was on my lap by this point. Dog barked and snapped.
Childs gps wanted dog pts. I refused. I dont think I was unreasonable. Dog was fine around all other people and had been harrassed and physically hurt for around an hour.
MIL asked gps not to bring child around again.

Ps. I fully understand the child had SEN and do not blame her. Had we known she was coming we would have mad provision for dog not to be there.
Feel child should have been supervised by gps

My dog is part of the family but it wouldn't kill him to be in another part of the house for a few hours. I always have some special toys and treats prepared, so he doesn't feel miffed (he's a real people dog) and everyone is happy.

I don't think YABU to want the dogs shut away.

However, if it were my house shutting my dogs away would cause me too much stress. They wouldn't understand it and whine and bark all the time they are shut away. My stress level would go through the roof and it simply would make me dread your visit.

Is not a question of my dogs being more important than children. But they are part of my family life, and they are my consideration.

However, I do understand your feelings on it, and I certainly wouldn't bitch about you. I would do everything in my power to meet up with you and your family at other venues without my dogs, at restaurants, other family members houses, at your house etc.

I don't think YANBU to ask for a couple of hours. More, yes. It is also the dog's house.

And how can you ask for a dog, someone's pet, a living creature, to be killed when it hasn't actually bitten anyone? That is really going too far.

I am not defending snappy or bite-y dogs, but OP you say early on, 'the owner blamed the incident on the child'. Why is that?

I have had children throw stones at my dog's face. And poke her with sticks. And jump over the fence into her garden. Whilst I would never condone her reacting aggressively, I'm sure we can all understand why an animal would in those circs. Was the child really just walking innocently past and the dog suddenly lunged? Or did the child actually do something dim like scream in the dog's face or throw something at it?

YANBU. People who treat dogs like children are weird.