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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a bit upset that we're no longer included in family gatherings because we asked that the dogs be closed away?

131 replies

LapsedTwentysomething · 17/07/2014 19:35

A while ago there was an incident in which a toddler narrowly missed being bitten in the face by an ageing and spoiled dog - not what you would consider a risky breed - at a family get together in someone's house. As I have young children who are already nervous of dogs I asked if they could be closed away during family parties. This was met with a resounding no (in fact it was a bitchy no, behind my back, that got back to me). I have stuck to my guns because, as I see it, the risk is still the same, and haven't been able to go to any extended family get togethers since. No one contacts us and because of what happened I can't arrange to call round because obvs the dogs will be running around.

I'm really regarded as neurotic and ridiculous in this. They tend to treat the dogs like children which I think contributed to the near miss. That incident was blamed on the child by the dog owner.

The thing is I'm feeling really isolated because of such a trivial issue. My DM is very ill and I could use some family support, but when I saw a couple of them elsewhere recently we were harangued about it / other stuff.

It's not such a big ask is it? I have friends who actually offer to send the dogs off for a walk or to shut them out if we go round. I actually don't feel like associating with the wider family any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
LapsedTwentysomething · 17/07/2014 20:18

Well lucycoco, please do feel sorry for my poor children. I suppose their father's attitude is nothing to do with it.

OP posts:
madamweasel · 17/07/2014 20:20

People before animals, every time. Unfortunately, lots of people with dogs see them as people but they are not!

MrsWinnibago · 17/07/2014 20:21

YANBU when my FILS dog snapped at my DD (and later bit her on the bottom) DH insisted the dog was sent to another room when we visited.

FIL wasn't happy about this but did it....because he'd hate for his dog to bite a child badly. The dog nipped her bottom once and we decided that the dog wasn't safe around kids. He never broke the skin but one exploratory bite was too many.

Deverethemuzzler · 17/07/2014 20:24

Blimey!

I am dog bonkers and I would absolutely shut away a dog that had tried to bite a child if we were having company!

Why on earth would you run the risk of a child being hurt or your dog getting more distressed?

I wouldn't have to be asked but if I was I would understand.

I do think that children need to be helped not to be nervous of dogs even if the parents are dog haters because dogs are everywhere. I will admit to being a bit judgy (but just a bit) when kids go all daft when they have to walk past my two tiny dogs on leads and their parents are the same.

Why would you not want to do something to avoid that stress every day?

But that is beside the by for now. OP I don't think you are being unreasonable and your family sound like arses.

Flowers
GobbolinoCat · 17/07/2014 20:24

your asking of them what they canoot and do not want to give...stop it, they sound awful, learn to live without them.

Pinkje · 17/07/2014 20:26

Can I suggest that YOU host the next family get together and just state that dogs are not invited. That way you get to see your family without the dogs.

Chrysanthemum5 · 17/07/2014 20:27

I don't think children are scared of dogs because if their parents. Far more likely they are scared of dogs because of poorly controlled dogs and owners who don't bother (I know most owners do care but a significant number just don't bother - I don't blame the dog). My DD was terrified of dogs no one else in the family was. She had a scare from an animal when she was a baby and it made her terrified of all pets.

It's taken a long time to get her to be ok around dogs, and lots if reminders about how to behave around them. I would ask family to shut dogs away rather than force her to be in a situation that scared her so much. However our families were understanding and now she is pretty ok - to the point where she behaves safely around dogs rather than screaming and running away. But it took time and patience

So YANBU

HaroldLloyd · 17/07/2014 20:30

Hang on sorry, was that dog in the OP one of the family dogs?

If so, I would TOTALLY ask for them to be kept separate.

Sorry if misread.

wheresthelight · 17/07/2014 20:31

Yanbu and I say that as a dog owner. If my dog had nearly bitten a child I would be having her destroyed as I would never be able to trust her again. Anyone who thinks otherwise is stupid and irresponsible imo.

I frequently lock my dog away when we have visitors as she is very nervous of new people and can react badly to anyone who is a bit boisterous or rushes at her especially if they are male. She is a lovely dog with people she knows and allows my 11 month old to do pretty much anything to her but I wouldnnever leave them alone together and if someone asked me to lock her away as either their kids or they themselves were scared I would absolutely do it.

At the end of the day dogs are animals, they are not little people or baby substitutes and do not have the same place or standing in my home.

lucycoco · 17/07/2014 20:32

OP why on earth would I talk about your husband when everything in your post was about your fear, your reactions, you being regarded as neurotic - you, you, you?

Of course I'd have included your husband if you'd mentioned him or his opinion. What an odd way to try and turn the argument around - "but my husband thinks so too!!"

fluffyraggies · 17/07/2014 20:36

OP - ''family get togethers do involve the dog that snapped at the child''

Why is everyone struggling to get this?

There is a dog in the family which snaps at kids. OP wants dog shut away when she goes round. On what planet is that unreasonable? In every other thread i've read when an OP has said ''DMs dog bites, shall i ask her to shut dog away when we visit'' everyone has said 'YES'!

Why not on this thread? [conused]

fluffyraggies · 17/07/2014 20:40

conused and confused Grin

MillieH30 · 17/07/2014 20:41

I think your request is more than reasonable. You are asking for the dogs to be shut away for an hour or so, not put down! There is no way I would risk my DD near a dog that I had seen snap at a child.

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, but it sounds like it might be symptomatic of deeper issues with your family. Would it be possible to sit down and talk to them about it and your DM's ill health and try to work out a resolution? I hope your DM gets better soon Thanks

HaroldLloyd · 17/07/2014 20:42

Whoops Blush sorry OP I missed that post.

I think they are being totally wrong here then. And nasty to talk about you behind your back.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/07/2014 20:44

I think the dog in the OP was one of the family dogs Harold. I grew up with a breed of dog that many would consider 'dangerous'. I wouldn't normally consider shutting a dog away just because people were nervous. But there is no way I would consider not shutting away a dog who had already gone for a child. It just isn't safe. You are not being unreasonable at all.

If they won't shut it away, I wouldn't go.

MissMilbanke · 17/07/2014 20:47

Fluffy I think the confusion ( certainly on my part ) stems from the ops original post.

I didn't interpretate it as the snappy dog belonged to a family member - to me it read as if from a daily wail quote a random incident in another family.

If this snappy dog is at family events the op attends then I think it's fair enough that the op ask for the dog to be put in another room - and so on this basis I change my initial reaction.

JamsetjeeBomanjee · 17/07/2014 20:48

One of my DC is nervous of dogs partly due to MILs untrained happy nippy dogs. We just tell people he is allergic to dogs. For some reason that's More acceptable than being nervous of dogs.

Original poster
LapsedTwentysomething · 17/07/2014 20:50

Thank you. I didn't think it was totally unreasonable when I asked but the response took me aback. It has blown all out of proportion in my head because they simply don't see us any more.

The next get together is at ours (well my DM's). I fully expec that they will not bring dogs and hope that's what happens.

OP posts:
Hedgebets · 17/07/2014 20:51

I think YABU

The incident you are referring to is a completely different dog and a different owner, right?

fluffyraggies · 17/07/2014 20:52

Oh God.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/07/2014 20:52

No the same dog Hedgebets.

Hedgebets · 17/07/2014 20:53

Sorry, I saw the posts above and realise it IS the family dog.

Then I see it from both sides. Do they have kids your age?

LoonvanBoon · 17/07/2014 20:53

Totally agree with fluffyraggies. Surely it's not controversial that a dog that has nearly bitten a child in the face should be kept somewhere safe when children are around?

I do think, OP, that you're on shakier ground if you're asking everyone you visit to shut away any dogs they have, even if they've never snapped, are well-trained & behaved & - crucially - aren't left unsupervised with children.

But re. the snappy dog - of course YANBU! And yes, I can see it must be hurtful to see family members apparently prioritising their dog(s) over their relationship with your family. Sadly they seem to be showing their true colours here, & you may need to stop expecting support from them. Sorry about your DM. Thanks

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 17/07/2014 20:55

This is were MN could do with an edit button. I read it to mean the same dog, but can see how others could read it differently. If the OP could go back and clarify in the OP she could avoid the next 38 pages of people telling her she's being completely unreasonable because it's a different dog.

LoonvanBoon · 17/07/2014 20:56

Rafa, she has clarified. She has said that the dog who snapped IS at family get-togethers.

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