to be a bit upset that we're no longer included in family gatherings because we asked that the dogs be closed away?

[LapsedTwentysomething]

A while ago there was an incident in which a toddler narrowly missed being bitten in the face by an ageing and spoiled dog - not what you would consider a risky breed - at a family get together in someone's house. As I have young children who are already nervous of dogs I asked if they could be closed away during family parties. This was met with a resounding no (in fact it was a bitchy no, behind my back, that got back to me). I have stuck to my guns because, as I see it, the risk is still the same, and haven't been able to go to any extended family get togethers since. No one contacts us and because of what happened I can't arrange to call round because obvs the dogs will be running around.

I'm really regarded as neurotic and ridiculous in this. They tend to treat the dogs like children which I think contributed to the near miss. That incident was blamed on the child by the dog owner.

The thing is I'm feeling really isolated because of such a trivial issue. My DM is very ill and I could use some family support, but when I saw a couple of them elsewhere recently we were harangued about it / other stuff.

It's not such a big ask is it? I have friends who actually offer to send the dogs off for a walk or to shut them out if we go round. I actually don't feel like associating with the wider family any more.

YANBU.
It is never up to the human to learn to behave around a dog; blaming a child when a dog snaps is simply the owner trying to absolve themselves of responsibility. The owner should be embarrassed, frankly.

I'm sorry your family would put an animal before your child.

YANBU - a family party for us usually means everyone chatting, kids all off doing their own thing, lots of noise and excitement and running about and food everywhere. Bad environment for any dog to be completely lose to roam unsupervised IMO, let alone one that has form for snapping at a child.

Just seen your post now that the dog that snapped is around your dc. Yanbu to want that dog shut away for a bit however yabu to want all dogs shut away when you visiting.

While some kids can just be scared of dogs sometimes it is learned behaviour.

Your family sound like a bunch of arseholes (helpful)

Oh, I get what you mean, rafa - that it would be good if she could add that point to the OP. My apologies.

LoonvanBoon. I was thinking along the lines of this is AIBU and it's traditional not to read beyond the OP before commenting, so it doesn't matter that the OP clarified in a later post.

I would never take small children to a family gathering where there would be a dog running loose that had already attempted to bite another child so YANBU.

We have a rescued JRT who is nervous around small children and growls if they approach his crate. To my knowledge he has never bitten anybody but there is no way I would take the risk. If children visit the house, he is in his crate in the utility for the duration. That's for his protection as well as theirs.

Children won't become phobic because someone shuts away a snappy dog. However they are very likely to end up terrified of dogs if they are allowed to wander round with food in a chaotic environment like a family party where there is a dog with a history of aggression. It's a no brainer!!!

Of course ya bvvvu.
You should be putting the feelings of the dog owners (whose dog has already tried to bite a child) and maintaining the status quo, above the safety of your children.
Why would you be worried about one of your kids being injured, maybe scarred for life when the bigger problem is that some dog owners are offended?
You should be ashamed of yourself.

They are fuckwits. Obviously. Sorry about your mum.

YANBU
DD1 is very nervous of dogs, she always has been.

I get really cross that some people seem to see this as a great personality flaw and try to convince her that their dog is lovely.

It may be lovely, but DD hasn't come to visit your dog, she's to play with your DD.

Please stop looking DD1 is 16, she's been BFs with your DD since they toddlers, you have always had dogs. You must know that DD just about tolerated you big old cuddly one, but she is not happy with small and bouncy dogs and never will be.

Maybe it was more about how you asked rather than the fact you asked IYSWIM ?

Obviously, I have no clue how you asked, it's just a suggestion.

lucycoco - so you don't think a dog that tried to bite a child should be shut away?

The dog should have been shut away.
The way to "ask" would be "as your dog has tried to bite a child it will need to be shut away when my kids are at your house"
You could flower it up if you want to.

Hmm, afraid my response would be fuck off it's my house I'll decide what to do!

zeezeek then you are an irresponsible fool imo. The dog tried to bite a child. There are no circumstances that make that ok. The dog should be destroyed and if the owners can't take responsibility then they should be banned from keeping animals

To be honest, she shouldn't need to ask, it should have been offered. A responsible dog owner would never allow a dog who had already tried to bite a child to be wandering about free in a situation where it is likely to be chaotic and children are being encouraged to walk about with food in their hands.

zeezeek your response is typical of dog owners who are defensive about their animals and who are "biter apologists" ime.

Their response IS 'fuck off it's my house and I'll decide what to do'. Which makes them shit family members who don't give a toss for you or your DC. Stop going, and don't have them round.

I see you have friends who actually offer to shut their dogs out if you go round, LapsedTwentysomething.

Does that mean that a household's dog(s) not being in the same room as your children is a general requirement of yours, or do your friends have dogs that snap, too?

If you are in family homes, do you have an issue with any of their dogs being around, or is it only in the home of the dog that snapped?

lucy the OP has made it clear that it is her DC and DH who are scared of dogs, not her. She has respected that and made a request which has been perceived as neurotic.

So for you to "feel sorry for the children of the mother" is badly placed, as she has not caused their fear. She is just trying to manage it as any good mother would.

Or would you advocate chucking them into a garden with a dog known to be aggressive, and a lovely juicy burger? Just so no one feels sorry for them?

YANBU OP.

Not identical, but I have a friend who is uncomfortable around cats. Not scared, not allergic, just uncomfortable. So I shut them away when she visits and I have never ever been asked to do this but I want my friends to be comfortable in my home.

Equally, my lovely friends who have dogs have all asked "can reggie / wins ton / Alfie come in" when I have visited with DS, taking into account that new mothers with children who aren't normally around dogs, might need to become comfortable with the idea.

It's just the nice thing to do, people come first!

ADishBestServedCold my DC are nervous around dogs - not flappy, just a bit wary as none of our family have dogs. If we visit friends with dogs, they usually notice the DC quietly trying to disappear behind me and say, Oh, I'll just shut Rover in the kitchen then.

Ditto the friends who have cats, which I am rampantly allergic to. Despite my protestations that it's not actually the bloody cat I'm allergic to, it's the fur on the carpets/sofa/etc; out goes Tiddles. Which is hospitable though fairly unhelpful.

What slithytove said, essentially.

Well I felt uncomfortable asking so did it as sensitively as I could just prior to a gathering. I was told snottily that of course they would be shut away. They weren't.

To clarify by the way, it is one dog who snapped, another pair who run freely while the DCs are given food, and there is actually another one who was allowed by its owner to jump up at my newborn while he was on the owner's knee.

They are all there together, unsupervised during the get togethers I'm talking about. So I am perhaps unreasonable in asking that they are just shit away while the DCs around - indeed with juicy burgers!

If I were told to fuck off I would have no problem in saying fuck you then, right back. As it is we have just been cut off and gossiped about for daring to see it as an issue.

I haven't read all the posts, but I just wanted to say that actually it's not always the parents that make children scared of dogs. My DS(1.9) is terrified of dogs, no-one else in the family is the slightest bit scared, nor have they ever shown any nervousness about him going near them, and yet he screams and wants to be picked up whenever there is one near. Personally I try to have him exposed to dogs whenever possible to try to get him less scared, but I think that if my family knew he was nervous and still refused to keep dogs away from him then I would be quite upset with them.

They have told you to fuck off, OP. They've just done it in a passive-aggressive way.

My brother was bitten in exactly the circumstances you describe. Absolutely YANBU.