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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling Social Services or not?

261 replies

CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 17:06

Having this discussion with my DP he thinks SS should be called, I however am not sure and think it may be acting hastily.

I have a friend who has a DD she's 2.4 We've been friends for 7+ years had our DC's a week apart they see each other every day nearly. however I've been noticing things steadily going down hill.

Say for instance her DD runs off she'll tell her to come her and she won't she'll carry on running after a couple more times of her saying it she'll go get her whether that means running or walking a few steps when she gets there she'll crouch down to her hight grab both her arms by her shoulders and you can see how tightly she has her and she'll shout Don't run away. She'll then either grab her wrist and take her to the car but she'll be walking so fast her DD's legs will be moving so fast and barely touching the ground and not keeping up or she'll pick her up carry her and chuck/drop her into the car seat and her DD will be crying.

Not going to lie her DD cries an awful lot, and practically at anything and everything if she isn't given a sweet when someone else it, or if someone else has a toy and she wants one, if someone has a drink and she doesn't IYSWIM.. So when she does this she'll push her away, she'll fall over and cry more so she'll push her again and the same will happen. She'll tell her to 'shut up' or to 'go away' sometimes to 'fuck off'

These are only a few things she does sometimes if she's climbing on her, the table, sofa's etc she'll give her what I cam only describes as a 'Gibbs' Slap, Like in NCIS when Gibbs slapps DiNossa on the back of the head.

But she's now started to do these things outside of the home, we went to the beach the other day and her DD didn't want to walk (we'd only been walking 10 minutes) she was texting and her DD was just standing there screaming, crying and shouting at her to pick her up, she stood their for 10 minutes and told her to 'get here now' and of course she didn't so in the end she went over and grabbed her and was pratically dragging her by the wrist, her DD's legs couldn't keep up telling her to 'fucking walk properly'. It's embarrassing and people stair at her and I just took my DD up ahead and was talking to her.

All the while she carried on texting, WWYD? AIBU? Should she be reported? I wouldn't want her to know it was me and I don't think she deserves to have her DD taken off of her and she does love her but I get worried about going out with her in case she does this and people stare cause when they stare she just goes What?! Take a picture or something

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 19/07/2014 10:31

What other thread?

littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 10:37

Your posts says that SW went round and she told them everything was fine so chances are they will go away and not come back. Not unless they could sense something wrong or saw her be off with her DD. Do you know if they plan to support her or not? Did she say?

If they are satisfied all is well then the next step, if you are still worked, is to wait until you are with her again and see something else that concerns you and call SS directly. Often it is about building a pattern of behaviour.

They will now be in the SS system and it is likely that the HV will be contacted and will also make a visit soon.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 10:53

She said they asked if She was coping, found herself stressed / getting stress. Needing help with DD that maybe they could help provide or needed extra help. She said she just just said no, everything was fine. DD was fine wasn't stressed or needed help and doesn't know why they have called round, she asked who reported her and they said they couldn't say but wanted to follow it up because of concerns.

She said she's never rough handed her DD/yells/slaps etc as they're a no yelling and slapping family and she hates violence but she told them they're other children in the block and maybe someone had gotten mistaken.

She's going to her mums she isn't happy about this and I can tell she's really pissed off, she had a fall out with her mothers neighbours while ago and now it gets a tad heated? Like words are said/ starred at/ blocking parking spaces/ leaving notes etc IYSWIM so she said she thinks it them.

I just told her to not worry, if SS believe everything is right and like she said than that'll be that, not to go round their flying off of the handle as if it was it won't help anything, just go straight into her mums and have a nice day and play with DD.

OP posts:
Koothrapanties · 19/07/2014 11:04

I really hope that ss are smart enough to see through her act. All abusive parents must deny it surely.

What is her home like op? Would they have concerns from seeing where they live?

It's much harder if everything looks ok from the outside.

Koothrapanties · 19/07/2014 11:05

I'm not sure telling her not to worry was the rihit thing to do. I know you don't want her to know it was you, but you have just unintentionally condoned her behaviour and seem to be ok with her covering it up.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 11:20

Her house in fine, food in the cupboard, hot water, toys etc. She barely dust's but that's about it. So no concerns where she lives.

I haven't condoned her behaviour I said what I could to make sure she wouldn't have a screaming fit with her mothers neighbours. I didn't think I could tell her to be worried etc. knowing what she's like when she's angry.

But maybe she would of stopped if she thought they were watching? I don't know, I need to act as a friend so I can still see her DD. It's not going to do her any favours if the only friend her mother sees and the only friend her DD has just disappears never to be seen again is it.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 11:26

If you're scared to stand up to her then that must be magnified a thousand fold if you're only 2, you're right to tread carefully though.

Does she get off on the control she has to manipulate the people around her with her temper tantrums do you think?

Gruntfuttock · 19/07/2014 11:37

So now, as far as SS are concerned the referral was either a mistake or malicious and they won't do anything more. How tragic for the poor little girl. I wish the OP hadn't said she was a neighbour, but had come clean about who she was and that she sees the family every day. You can ask them not to identify you but at least they'd give more credence to the concerns and not be so easily fobbed off.

Koothrapanties · 19/07/2014 11:41

Perhaps you can do another report op. You have seen that they do not say who reported. You need to tell them the whole story. Explain you concerns and that you need to stay anonymous so you can stay close to the little girl. Please don't think that you can't do any more, you can. It's up to you to stop this little girls suffering.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 11:42

I don't know, wouldn't think so she use to be quiet, wouldn't talk to people, never had boyfriends who were serious, then got involved with DD father had DD then this..

Grunt you don't know that, they may have spotted something, seen through it. I wasn't there so can't comment on how she was acting.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 11:56

If how she's behaving now is a drastic change from how you've known her over 7 years there must be something going on with her.

How much does she value your advice and support? If you laid it on the line and told her what's what without pulling any punches would your friendship survive? (if you could let her initial anger wash over you and let her know you don't want to stop being friends) I know you've said things to her before, but have you actually told her forcefully?

She doesn't seem to be aware what her behaviour is saying to the outside world, ie that she's not coping, maybe she does but doesn't want to be judged so goes on the offensive?

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 12:02

She doesn't, If I laid it on the line it would be the end of the friendship it would be seen as a personal attack and never forgotten. Can't afford ot not watch out for her DD

OP posts:
Vivacia · 19/07/2014 12:04

I just told her to not worry, if SS believe everything is right and like she said than that'll be that

I think this was a misstep OP. It gives the message that you don't think she's coping fine. Why don't you encourage her to accept their help?

NewtRipley · 19/07/2014 12:04

So will you call them again? You know she lied to them

Itsfab · 19/07/2014 12:05

I really hope it doesn't end there. SS are really lacking if they visit once and they fall for the lies coming out of her mouth.

OP - if you see her abusing her child again are you going to do anything about it?

Itsfab · 19/07/2014 12:07

If you feel you have to lie to her because you have to watch out for her DD then you know you have to do more.

Deverethemuzzler · 19/07/2014 12:10

They came round on a Saturday?

Blimey. I have trouble getting hold of a SW on a Friday for a emergency referral where I live.

Vivacia · 19/07/2014 12:11

Yep, who is best placed to look after this child? You or social services?

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 12:18

id love to look after her DD but I couldn't I don't have the space or money to raise to children.

I have tried many times to get her to go to groups/ clubs etc she point blank refuses she doesn't want to go.

Yes will speak to them again.

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 12:19

SS are really lacking if they visit once and they fall for the lies coming out of her mouth.

SS need actual proof that something is going on. They get many referral which are malicious or misjudged. If the OP's friend has managed to pull the wool over their eyes then there is nothing they can do. What do you suggest they do? I have visited many families where i suspect there is something untoward going on but i cannot get any proof. It is hard to walk away.

As i have already said they will probably contact the HV who may do a follow up visit but other than that there is little they can do.

OP's friends child will now be on SW systems and should anything happen further down the line then they will be able to act.

If OP witnesses anything further she needs to report again.

Hopefully this visit by SW will be a warning shot across the bows and she will think twice about treating her DD in this way. The worry is she may now hide how she treats her.

OP i suggest you are hyper vigilant and commit to reporting should anything further happen.

NaughtySpottyBengalCat · 19/07/2014 12:29

As derver pointed out, SS seem to have acted extremely quickly - within 24 hours, and have visited first thing on a Saturday morning too. Surely this is an indication that they are taking things very seriously? I would hope they have enough experience to see through any attempts by the child's mother to pretend all is ok. She can't fake a non existent bond/affection I would hope.

I don't know what the answers are for this little girl. Even if the mum stops being as physically abusive, no-one can force this mother to love her child and give her the love, security and affection she.needs :(

Vivacia · 19/07/2014 12:32

id love to look after her DD but I couldn't I don't have the space or money to raise to children.

Quite, which is why I think you're right to ring them again. Tell them your concerns, you don't want to be mistaken for making false allegations.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 12:34

As I said up thread I will speak to them again.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 19/07/2014 12:35

Would they really leave it after just one visit, if someone knocked at the door I could tell them anything doesn't have to be the truth, I'd hope they'd dig a little deeper.

Vivacia · 19/07/2014 12:36

Well, the speed of their response, and on a Saturday, appears to be unusually strong.