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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling Social Services or not?

261 replies

CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 17:06

Having this discussion with my DP he thinks SS should be called, I however am not sure and think it may be acting hastily.

I have a friend who has a DD she's 2.4 We've been friends for 7+ years had our DC's a week apart they see each other every day nearly. however I've been noticing things steadily going down hill.

Say for instance her DD runs off she'll tell her to come her and she won't she'll carry on running after a couple more times of her saying it she'll go get her whether that means running or walking a few steps when she gets there she'll crouch down to her hight grab both her arms by her shoulders and you can see how tightly she has her and she'll shout Don't run away. She'll then either grab her wrist and take her to the car but she'll be walking so fast her DD's legs will be moving so fast and barely touching the ground and not keeping up or she'll pick her up carry her and chuck/drop her into the car seat and her DD will be crying.

Not going to lie her DD cries an awful lot, and practically at anything and everything if she isn't given a sweet when someone else it, or if someone else has a toy and she wants one, if someone has a drink and she doesn't IYSWIM.. So when she does this she'll push her away, she'll fall over and cry more so she'll push her again and the same will happen. She'll tell her to 'shut up' or to 'go away' sometimes to 'fuck off'

These are only a few things she does sometimes if she's climbing on her, the table, sofa's etc she'll give her what I cam only describes as a 'Gibbs' Slap, Like in NCIS when Gibbs slapps DiNossa on the back of the head.

But she's now started to do these things outside of the home, we went to the beach the other day and her DD didn't want to walk (we'd only been walking 10 minutes) she was texting and her DD was just standing there screaming, crying and shouting at her to pick her up, she stood their for 10 minutes and told her to 'get here now' and of course she didn't so in the end she went over and grabbed her and was pratically dragging her by the wrist, her DD's legs couldn't keep up telling her to 'fucking walk properly'. It's embarrassing and people stair at her and I just took my DD up ahead and was talking to her.

All the while she carried on texting, WWYD? AIBU? Should she be reported? I wouldn't want her to know it was me and I don't think she deserves to have her DD taken off of her and she does love her but I get worried about going out with her in case she does this and people stare cause when they stare she just goes What?! Take a picture or something

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
schroedingersdodo · 19/07/2014 12:49

I'm not sure i believe they've been to her house so quickly. You may be saying that so people here leave you alone. It may be true.

We can't do anything about this case, hope you don't let this girl continue to be abused.

littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 12:58

OP hasn't actually said they came round this morning. They may have been round yesterday afternoon.

Itsfab · 19/07/2014 13:00

Taking things seriously or not visited at all.

Deverethemuzzler · 19/07/2014 13:02

Little that is still really fast though.
As the ref went via NSPCC.

She only called them yesterday didn't she?

(I may have got that bit wrong).

Sounds like a very quick response for a fairly vagueish referral about stress and rough handling and shouting. Particularly as it didn't come from a professional.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 13:02

I'm not letting anyone get abused. I have spoken to NSPCC, they referred to SS my friend called to say people had come round and questioned her parenting. I'll be seeing her tomorrow any way. I'll said I'll speak to them again if nothing is followed up.

She hasn't seen a HV in years so will one come round and see them?

OP posts:
Nancy66 · 19/07/2014 13:18

I also think it's a suspiciously speedy response.

I know when I and one other friend reported a parent mistreating a child (more serious than this) it took about a week for there to be a response. That was London though.

WanderingTrolley1 · 19/07/2014 13:25

That was an amazingly quick response from SS. I don't believe it...

CSIJanner · 19/07/2014 13:35

It might be a quick response but you don't know if they are acting on OP's call or whether, ironically, a neighbour really did call earlier in the week. I know that if I saw a child being abused in such a way, that I would report and hope that the other neighbours would report too. Maybe they had a report pending and then the NSPCC's referral came through to prioritise it - you just don't know.

scarffiend · 19/07/2014 13:38

Something about this thread just isn't clicking in to place for me - the response time does seem incredibly fast for some vague details provided by 'a neighbour'. The concerns which were firstly shouting, then hitting, the story seems to change with each post. Perhaps it's a bad case of drip feeding leading to misunderstanding but it just doesn't ring true.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 13:40

We go out quite a lot. I know my neighbour has said a handful of times she's heard her scream at DD etc. Her neighbours have heard her and she does it in public. Maybe someone else had reported her I don't know. I can only go by what she has told me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 13:42

Sorry for drip feeding, I'm trying not to out myself in this process

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 13:44

Backofmyphoneisshiny is the same person as OP. She has just started another inflammatory thread in relationships about her DM having an affair with a married man.

AgentZigzag · 19/07/2014 14:17

A bit below the belt to try and discredit the OP by bringing up her other threads on this one littlewhitebag.

She can post about whatever she likes on however many threads she likes.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 14:30

Don't try and discredit me. Not that I care Little As far as I was aware I could write however many threads I like and people can have more than one problem in their life

OP posts:
WanderingTrolley1 · 19/07/2014 14:35

Not necessary, little.

littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 14:37

I was responding to someone upthread who asked if both posters were the same person. Which they are.

I am not discrediting anyone. Just stating the absolute truth.

I am hoping, like everyone else on this thread, that the OP's friends daughter is not coming to any harm and encouraging OP to further report if needs be.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 14:44

little once again please read PP I have already stated I WILL call again if needed! jeez

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 19/07/2014 14:54

Sorry crocs I was replying to others not you there.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 15:02

Okay.. little Just getting tad annoying that everyone seems to skip the bits on where I've said I have contacted them and I will again if needs be.... Sorry

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/07/2014 22:01

She is not being helped if she has lied to SS about 'coping'. That is a sign she is resisting help, for whatever reason.

If she talks about the SS visit when you are next together, listen and try to convince her that she needs to at least sign up for HV visits. Ask her if SS told her they would make a follow up visit. Pay close attention if she seems to have a bad attitude to SS or an attitude that the way she parents her DD is perfect or even good enough.

If you hear that, then you need to call the local SS back and tell them that she is lying and resisting their intervention. They probably have that figured out anyway, but it would be significant for someone else to report her defensive attitude.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2014 22:11

I don't know why you tried to stop her from having a screaming fit with the mother's neighbours.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2014 22:26

If she is lying and resisting,
(1) SS will have seen it before and she isn't as cunning as she thinks she is,
and (2) it won't go down well at all with SS.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 19/07/2014 22:33

Mathan How is her having a screaming fit good for her DD? It's not. It will not help and the fact that you'd apply otherwise is just plain stupid

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 19/07/2014 23:10

I was wondering if anyone would see her screaming in the street and decide to call the police for disorderly conduct...

I think what you said to her about the SS visit wasn't very well thought out, to be frank. I don't think it was wise to tell her she may have successfully hoodwinked SS. She comes across as someone who really doesn't understand at all how others see her and doesn't understand that people are smarter than they may appear, and that they notice plenty.

If you are pretty sure she might be so angry about SS visiting that she would be capable of screaming at people in the street, and that this anger would not be good for her DD, then I think you should make that follow up call and try your utmost to get across to SS (not NSPCC this time, but directly to SS) just how angry, short tempered, out of control and vile this woman is.

Everything you have said about her reveals you know well what she is capable of and that you fear she will take out her anger and frustrations on her DD, and that she is completely resistant to the idea of engaging with the many ways she could connect with help. What you seem to be saying here is that you know she either doesn't understand how bad a parent she is or doesn't care, and thinks there will be no consequences for her holding onto her own private punchbag (her DD), deliberately keeping under the radar of agents like the HV, and treating her DD whatever way she wishes. If it looks to SS as if she has deliberately refused to accept help, or that she has deliberately kept out of the reach of HV in order to avoid consequences and indulge in a horrible ego trip with her DD as victim, there will be consequences for her.

So you need to call them again.

mathanxiety · 19/07/2014 23:11

OR thinks there will be no consequences..