Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling Social Services or not?

261 replies

CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 17:06

Having this discussion with my DP he thinks SS should be called, I however am not sure and think it may be acting hastily.

I have a friend who has a DD she's 2.4 We've been friends for 7+ years had our DC's a week apart they see each other every day nearly. however I've been noticing things steadily going down hill.

Say for instance her DD runs off she'll tell her to come her and she won't she'll carry on running after a couple more times of her saying it she'll go get her whether that means running or walking a few steps when she gets there she'll crouch down to her hight grab both her arms by her shoulders and you can see how tightly she has her and she'll shout Don't run away. She'll then either grab her wrist and take her to the car but she'll be walking so fast her DD's legs will be moving so fast and barely touching the ground and not keeping up or she'll pick her up carry her and chuck/drop her into the car seat and her DD will be crying.

Not going to lie her DD cries an awful lot, and practically at anything and everything if she isn't given a sweet when someone else it, or if someone else has a toy and she wants one, if someone has a drink and she doesn't IYSWIM.. So when she does this she'll push her away, she'll fall over and cry more so she'll push her again and the same will happen. She'll tell her to 'shut up' or to 'go away' sometimes to 'fuck off'

These are only a few things she does sometimes if she's climbing on her, the table, sofa's etc she'll give her what I cam only describes as a 'Gibbs' Slap, Like in NCIS when Gibbs slapps DiNossa on the back of the head.

But she's now started to do these things outside of the home, we went to the beach the other day and her DD didn't want to walk (we'd only been walking 10 minutes) she was texting and her DD was just standing there screaming, crying and shouting at her to pick her up, she stood their for 10 minutes and told her to 'get here now' and of course she didn't so in the end she went over and grabbed her and was pratically dragging her by the wrist, her DD's legs couldn't keep up telling her to 'fucking walk properly'. It's embarrassing and people stair at her and I just took my DD up ahead and was talking to her.

All the while she carried on texting, WWYD? AIBU? Should she be reported? I wouldn't want her to know it was me and I don't think she deserves to have her DD taken off of her and she does love her but I get worried about going out with her in case she does this and people stare cause when they stare she just goes What?! Take a picture or something

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
SugarMouse1 · 18/07/2014 16:33

I'm going to get flamed for this, but why OP, do you want to be friends with someone like this?

I disagree that she needs support, she doesn't seem to want any help! OP has offered! You can't MAKE her engage with a parenting course/anger management or whatever.

SS probably won't do anything. Could this little girl live with her Dad? Might he be a better parent? Are there grandparents/ other family who could help? If so, I would inform them.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2014 16:37

I agree with SpringItOn that SS are well used to parents reacting badly to a call from them and know some (a lot) will take it out on the children. They have ways to figure out who is more likely to do this.

There is nothing SS have not seen, or read between the lines, and dealt with -- despite horror stories, SS gets a lot right.

mathanxiety · 18/07/2014 16:38

The dad is worse, SugarMouse.

I disagree that SS probably won't do anything.

Lagoonablue · 18/07/2014 16:43

Why do you think SS won't do anything? After a report of physical abuse and neglect on a 2 year old?

If it were me I would refer again if nothing happened. This is a horrible and dangerous situation for a small child.

MrsBoldon · 18/07/2014 18:16

I've referred several people to SS (work in mental health) and they are always helpful.

I agree that their thresholds are a lot higher than many people would expect but this definitely meets their threshold.

UnderIce · 18/07/2014 18:18

Agree with MrsBoldon. SS frequently don't react the way people expect them to (I blame soap operas) but in this case considering the nature of the abuse and the age of the child, it would be worth contacting them.

VerityWaves · 18/07/2014 18:52

Hang on. So you haven't reported it properly at all then?

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 19:18

YES I HAVE!! They know her name, his, dobs and where she lives.

No SHE can't live with her dad read up thread SugarMouse!!

I am NOTHING like her at all.

OP posts:
Topaz25 · 18/07/2014 19:22

But do they know her address?

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 19:24

Read my PP I've just said they know where she lives!

OP posts:
Vivacia · 18/07/2014 19:25

How often would be in touch with your mate Crocs? You must be on tenterhooks waiting for the fallout from your phone call.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 19:31

I see her every day, we have dinner round my house 2 x a week and hers 2 x a week and see each other a couple of hours each day when we're not having tea (we'll be there for 12 hours 10-10 when we are having dinner)

OP posts:
Itsfab · 18/07/2014 19:38

Less than 7 hours ago you said you had only given their names and area they lived in Hmm.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 18/07/2014 19:40

Crocs
You have done what you can. You also seem to be supporting her, she is not coping and if she wasn't spending time with you its possible her behaviour towards her DD could be worse.

I think you are getting a bit of a rough ride given you are the only one doing something to sort things out.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 19:54

Its I provided a number in case they need more details, they wanted their DoB and asked If I could give their address. So go Hmm yourself or should Is that alright with you

OP posts:
donefornow · 18/07/2014 20:00

Have you tried talking to your friend? It does sound like completely unacceptable vehavious and it needs to stop, but it sounds to me like a mother who has completely lost control and not coping at all. Maybe ss could step in and give her some help, none of us can tell you what to do but just trust your gut. Has she always been this way? Does she seem depressed?

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 20:11

Done I've said in PP I've tried talking to her. Tried to tell her DD off before she does/shouts/slaps her to tell her off.

She hasn't always been this way when her DD was little she would only go to sleep if she was held because her father would get drunk and wake her up in the middle of the night to 'hold her' would pick DD up when she started to fall asleep. He told her in front of me in an argument he was only doing it because she knew she had to deal with DD's crying/tantrums when he worked as he worked everyday then would go to the local pub to get drunk before coming home. Once her DF held his DD upside down to feed her because she didn't like the banana pudding he was giving her and 'she didn't deserve anything else'

She left him when her DD was 9 months old since her DD has been able to talk at 15 months and walk and generally push boundaries as kids do

OP posts:
donefornow · 18/07/2014 20:21

What a horrible man, sorry I just read back through it all as I only read the op initially. Sounds like your instincts where right though she definately needs some support.

Deverethemuzzler · 18/07/2014 20:32

I don't think SS will do anything either.
I think there will be an initial visit and it will get passed to the EIP team.

They can offer her support but she doesn't have to take it.
However if they are concerned about the family they can re-refer to SS and it could go further.

But TBH it doesn't look like it would meet the threshold for SS involvement in my area.

I am not saying that is the way it should be, just the way it is.

BTW WTF are people so often vile to the OPs of threads like these? OPs who are doing something so often get attacked by strangers who are doing nothing

'you are as bad as her'...what utter rubbish.

itsfab it wouldn't take long to find them even if the OP had only given their names and the area they live in.
If you gave me the name of a child who lived in my borough it would take me a few minutes to find them.

NewtRipley · 18/07/2014 20:33

I am not surprised at the fact you can spend this many hours with her and not have broached the subject of how she is coping and how she treats her DD. Does she ever admit to feeling stressed or worrying/feeling guilty about her DD?

If not, why are you still friends with her?

NewtRipley · 18/07/2014 20:34

Sorry I am surprised

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 20:35

Thanks Devere I know I'm not as bad as her.. It's utter rubbish!

OP posts:
Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 18/07/2014 20:37

Newt I've already said I HAVE already spoken to her ffs!!

No she never say's she's stressed/worrying/guilty.

OP posts:
Nicola19 · 18/07/2014 20:40

You're doing a good thing OP, well done.

Deverethemuzzler · 18/07/2014 20:41

What are people suggesting the OP do then?

Sit her down and point out her parenting failures?
Insist she enrols in a parenting class?
Calls the police?
Draw her some diagrams?
Stop talking to her?
Walk away from her and her child?

Meanwhile back in the real world the OP is keeping an eye on the child, has tried to speak to the mother and has contacted the appropriate agencies.

Still not enough for the keyboard superheros Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread