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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Calling Social Services or not?

261 replies

CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 17:06

Having this discussion with my DP he thinks SS should be called, I however am not sure and think it may be acting hastily.

I have a friend who has a DD she's 2.4 We've been friends for 7+ years had our DC's a week apart they see each other every day nearly. however I've been noticing things steadily going down hill.

Say for instance her DD runs off she'll tell her to come her and she won't she'll carry on running after a couple more times of her saying it she'll go get her whether that means running or walking a few steps when she gets there she'll crouch down to her hight grab both her arms by her shoulders and you can see how tightly she has her and she'll shout Don't run away. She'll then either grab her wrist and take her to the car but she'll be walking so fast her DD's legs will be moving so fast and barely touching the ground and not keeping up or she'll pick her up carry her and chuck/drop her into the car seat and her DD will be crying.

Not going to lie her DD cries an awful lot, and practically at anything and everything if she isn't given a sweet when someone else it, or if someone else has a toy and she wants one, if someone has a drink and she doesn't IYSWIM.. So when she does this she'll push her away, she'll fall over and cry more so she'll push her again and the same will happen. She'll tell her to 'shut up' or to 'go away' sometimes to 'fuck off'

These are only a few things she does sometimes if she's climbing on her, the table, sofa's etc she'll give her what I cam only describes as a 'Gibbs' Slap, Like in NCIS when Gibbs slapps DiNossa on the back of the head.

But she's now started to do these things outside of the home, we went to the beach the other day and her DD didn't want to walk (we'd only been walking 10 minutes) she was texting and her DD was just standing there screaming, crying and shouting at her to pick her up, she stood their for 10 minutes and told her to 'get here now' and of course she didn't so in the end she went over and grabbed her and was pratically dragging her by the wrist, her DD's legs couldn't keep up telling her to 'fucking walk properly'. It's embarrassing and people stair at her and I just took my DD up ahead and was talking to her.

All the while she carried on texting, WWYD? AIBU? Should she be reported? I wouldn't want her to know it was me and I don't think she deserves to have her DD taken off of her and she does love her but I get worried about going out with her in case she does this and people stare cause when they stare she just goes What?! Take a picture or something

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
TheXxed · 17/07/2014 18:58

SS don't jump straight to removing children from their home. They try extremely hard to keep families together, one example being a mother who was struggling to cope had a full time nursery place funded which gave her respite and en opportunity to attend anger management classes and counseling.

littlewhitebag · 17/07/2014 18:59

Now that i have read more i am now advising you to contact SS. If she has pushed her DD before causing her to hurt herself then that would be considered assault.

If there is no intervention now then she will push her harder or hit her and really hurt her. She will end up in A&E having too answer tricky questions and end up with people like me (child protection) involved. That almost certainly means police involvement too.

If you get SS involved at this stage hopefully they can provide support before her DD really gets hurt and then possibly removed from her. I am not scaremongering. This is a possible outcome.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 19:04

Orange - she knows what I've seen she does it right in front of me as if it's completely normal.

She done it once in front of a family member and she banged her head on the concrete floor in their house and she was apaulled

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 17/07/2014 19:07

I would let the NSPCC or SS direct decide whether any intervention is needed and what that should be. Just because this woman is falling short of beating her child to a pulp or starving her doesn't mean she doesn't need intervention.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 17/07/2014 19:11

Tbh I dont think I could stop myself saying something to her.

"X, do you have to be so heavy handed with dd? The poor little thing is going to get hurt if you dont keep an eye on her and dragging her around and hitting her on the head is just mean".

Itsfab · 17/07/2014 19:13

Put a defenceless child first and do the right thing. Worrying about yourself is disgusting.

This child is being abused. She needs someone to care about her. You just need to make a call, it isn't up to you what happens afterwards.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 17/07/2014 19:16

I agree with Culture.

A couple of years ago I took dd to the doctor as she had a rash that I was slightly concerned about re glass test. The doctor checked it and showed how it did disappear and then said something that has stayed with me:-

"If the rash gets worse or changes at all, or you are worried at all, bring her back. It is not your job to decide if it is meningitis - it is my job. That's what I am here for."

In this case it is not your job to decide if this is abuse or "just" crap parenting - it is the job of a professional who has been trained in child protection.

littlewhitebag · 17/07/2014 19:18

orangefusion It may not be illegal to hit a child but there is a fine line between reasonable chastisement and assault. I don't know about England but in Scotland it is illegal to hit a child across the head. This would be assault.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 19:25

I was raised in a smacking family and It never did me any harm from my point of view, however it was always on the buttock and everyone is entitled to their own opinion on smacking.

Hence my not knowing whether the Gibbs smack was as worrying as my DP thought

OP posts:
littlewhitebag · 17/07/2014 19:27

Smacking to the bottom, over clothes, without leaving bruising is fine. I would advise no smacking at all though.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 19:31

Little That's how I was raised, never bruised, red marked ect.. Her DD has no red mark, bruising etc

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 17/07/2014 19:34

Yes please phone. It is abuse, emotionally and physically. You can phone anonymously.

What if one day she hits her too hard? If she ends up in A&E they will start their safeguarding proceedings from there. I've seen plenty of parents get arrested for potentially causing injuries (I'm a children's nurse). Don't let it get that far.

CultureSucksDownWords · 17/07/2014 19:37

Well, Crocs, I would suggest that at the very least being smacked as a child has affected you. You aren't sure how to tell what is abusive parenting, and you haven't been able to step in and protect this little girl when she's been mistreated in front of you.

guitarosauras · 17/07/2014 19:41

Have you confronted her? Asked her what she's playing at?

For the child and the mothers sake I'd report her. Your dp speaks sense.

littlewhitebag · 17/07/2014 19:44

crocs But your friend pushed her so hard she fell and hurt herself. That is not good and could be seen as a child protection issue. My concern is that she will push her or hit her harder eventually and seriously hurt her. Intervention now should avoid that happening.

Happy36 · 17/07/2014 19:45

Can you speak to her yourself?

Does she have a partner? How does he/she/the child's father behave?

wherethewildthingis · 17/07/2014 19:52

How can you allow a small child to.be, by your own description, hit, smacked, dragged along, ignored, shouted and sworn at, right in front of you and not intervene. I think it is appalling that you are more worried about her finding out you reported it, than you are doing something to stop this. If you can't stand up for the child yourself (and you should) then please report it to someone who will

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 19:53

The childs father is a waste of space, an emotionally abusive alcoholic, takes drugs, lives with drug dealers, let her get nappy rash so bad she was bleeding and their was still poo on her genitals, had the DD one night and she was left in her cot with poo in her nappy for 12+ hours, had snot and fluff all over her face, he didn't even wake up when she came and got her and asked a week later id she had picked her up.

staples sticking out the floor boards on the stairs where he'd ripped up carpet, never cleaned, left dirty dishes everywhere and never washed her or himself. He never sees DD now after months of convincing her that she shouldn't send her DD there (that scenario happened numerous times)

I haven't spoken to her, I don't really know how she would react.

OP posts:
guitarosauras · 17/07/2014 19:56

Why are you not on the phone now???

mother and father are both abusive twats.

Original poster
CrocsAreJustPlainUgly · 17/07/2014 19:58

She had a partner who was a friend of her ex's and he tell her she was being annoying, too loud, stupid etc. he left her a month ago though.

Where I've tried to intervene, tell DD off appropriately before she can slap her, she tells me off, gets arsey/snaps ect. Her mum has seen what she has done and told her off, she ignored it her mothers only seen it once though

OP posts:
MisForMumNotMaid · 17/07/2014 20:03

Phone to get her support. Its not about getting her told off or dobing her in. She's not coping at present for what ever reason.

Social workers can sometimes sort out free nursery places for two year olds, if they're able to do that it would buy your friend some time to recuperate from the demands of a high needs child.

Nursery may help to address some of the high needs issues too. Either looking the special needs route or probably just through experience of different behavioural techniques.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 17/07/2014 20:06

Crocs please call SS. Your friend is not coping and her little girl is suffering. This situation is not going to improve without intervention. Please don't let it get any worse. This little girl sounds like she's not got anyone in her life to stand up for her.

If you were reading this about someone else's child, what would you think?

wherethewildthingis · 17/07/2014 20:07

Ok, so you need to report this. And next time she does it, you need to tell her " it is not ok to do that to her." If she tells you off, repeat it : "it is not ok to hurt her/swear at her". Be someone who stands up for this poor child. At the moment think about how this looks through her eyes, her mum hits her and hurts her and other adults stand by and do nothing, or try to say something but then get shouted down.
Respecting other people's parenting styles is one thing but no one should stand by and watch a child hurt or frightened.

Itsfab · 17/07/2014 20:11

No excuse for not calling,

You are doing nothing while a toddler is abused.

CultureSucksDownWords · 17/07/2014 20:14

The damage that is being done to this child is really depressing. Her main carer is unable to show her love, and instead all she gets is hate and physical abuse. I can't imagine what growing up like that would do to you. My DS is almost the same age, and I can't even bear to think about someone treating him like that even once. Why is this little girl any different?