Calling Social Services or not?

[CrocsAreJustPlainUgly]

Having this discussion with my DP he thinks SS should be called, I however am not sure and think it may be acting hastily.

I have a friend who has a DD she's 2.4 We've been friends for 7+ years had our DC's a week apart they see each other every day nearly. however I've been noticing things steadily going down hill.

Say for instance her DD runs off she'll tell her to come her and she won't she'll carry on running after a couple more times of her saying it she'll go get her whether that means running or walking a few steps when she gets there she'll crouch down to her hight grab both her arms by her shoulders and you can see how tightly she has her and she'll shout Don't run away. She'll then either grab her wrist and take her to the car but she'll be walking so fast her DD's legs will be moving so fast and barely touching the ground and not keeping up or she'll pick her up carry her and chuck/drop her into the car seat and her DD will be crying.

Not going to lie her DD cries an awful lot, and practically at anything and everything if she isn't given a sweet when someone else it, or if someone else has a toy and she wants one, if someone has a drink and she doesn't IYSWIM.. So when she does this she'll push her away, she'll fall over and cry more so she'll push her again and the same will happen. She'll tell her to 'shut up' or to 'go away' sometimes to 'fuck off'

These are only a few things she does sometimes if she's climbing on her, the table, sofa's etc she'll give her what I cam only describes as a 'Gibbs' Slap, Like in NCIS when Gibbs slapps DiNossa on the back of the head.

But she's now started to do these things outside of the home, we went to the beach the other day and her DD didn't want to walk (we'd only been walking 10 minutes) she was texting and her DD was just standing there screaming, crying and shouting at her to pick her up, she stood their for 10 minutes and told her to 'get here now' and of course she didn't so in the end she went over and grabbed her and was pratically dragging her by the wrist, her DD's legs couldn't keep up telling her to 'fucking walk properly'. It's embarrassing and people stair at her and I just took my DD up ahead and was talking to her.

All the while she carried on texting, WWYD? AIBU? Should she be reported? I wouldn't want her to know it was me and I don't think she deserves to have her DD taken off of her and she does love her but I get worried about going out with her in case she does this and people stare cause when they stare she just goes What?! Take a picture or something

I don't know what to do

OP, If you are so concerned about the reaction from this friend, why don't you contact her HV and tell the HV that you are concerned that your friend is struggling with her DD and needs some help.

You say your friend won't behave the way you have described in front of SS or HV, but she is happy to do so in public? In broad daylight?
That seems strange to me.

If she denies it and behaves like an exemplary parent in front of SS or HV and there are no bruises or marks on the child, I'm not too sure what SS or HV can do tbh, but HV could remain in contact without the need for evidence for longer than SS. HV is more likely to know about playgroups or other forms of support your friend could access.

If your friend were to attend playgroup or get together with other mums, she'd get more support and it's just as likely that other mums would report her as it is that you will.

.

It doesnt matter if she does these things in front of hv or ss - they will see the detatchment issue and start acting from there, getting in additional support etc.

Also if you have told hv/ss what she is like with dd around you then they will be looking for indicators of that behaviour (ultimately very very few people seen by ss wouldnt alter their behaviour whilst they are there - which is why ss is trained to see past that and look for the little indications)

*doesnt do these things

You know about the abuse and are doing nothing which pretty much means you are abusing this little girl yourself.

I think you should just ring your local social services up and discuss what you have said here. S.s may offer her help or even something simple like parenting classes.

She doesn't have a HV. She use to but moved and despite them ringing her she refused to sign up to our local one so her DD hasn't been seen by a HV since she was 1, she refuses to go to groups I tried to get her to take her DD to a dance group and she refused saying "she wouldn't like it" what she meant was "she didn't want to take her. I offered to take her and she said no. I go to groups but she'd rather sit indoors she can't be bothered to come.

Please read back what you've written here. It sounds very bad and not something to be unsure about reporting.

The physical abuse is bad / maybe escalating, but it's the emotional abuse that will be really damaging her, the detachment, not responding or pushing away when she cries, the constant ignoring and rejection. Can you see how damaging that is?

It sounds like there is no bond there at all, or maybe a weak and strained one. This can stop the child's brain and stop the child from being able to form relationships for the rest of her life.

Maybe the bond can be strengthened, or the mother can be taught how to behave towards her child and meet her basic emotional needs. But that won't happen unless you report.

Social workers don't wait until someone abuses their child in front of them by the way, they are skilled at observing and questioning, and I'd be surprised if a woman who doesn't even try and hide her bad treatment of her toddler would be capable of deceiving a skilled professional - if a skilled professional ever gets to meet the family of course.

I'm sorry, but if you do nothing, you are as bad as your friend. That poor little girl. It is completely wrong to treat a child like that and it needs to be stopped. Do not stand by and watch it happen.

I haven't spoken to her, I don't really know how she would react

How can you even care ? I don't really understand how you can want to remain friends with someone like this and actually seem to value whether she will be offended and know it was you over her defenceless DDs welfare

Time to grow a pair, OP

Truffle I care because if she gets pissed off with me it doesn't end with being pissed with me, anything her DD does that she may find slightly annoying she will get pushed away, told to leave her alone, told to go away, cry.

That's why I care So no I don't care if she gets offended I care that she won't just stay pissed at me she'll be pissed at everyone including her DD

At the moment you seem to be justifying doing nothing in case you offend her or make her angry.

Can't you see how wrong that is ?

I fail to understand what your not getting.

I do NOT give a flying at fuck that she will get angry, couldn't care less, I'm not justifying that.

I DO give a flying fuck that she will take everything out on her DD she is not the type of person to be pissed at an adult and then be happy and play with her kids. She is the type of mother who will get pissed then everything that DD may do or not do will make her agnry at her DD, playing her toys to loudly, not doing as she say's, touching stuff, jumping on the sofa ect

And the sort of mother that lashes out at her child because her poor parenting is questioned is exactly the sort of person that ss should be invovled with

I'm going to leave this thread now. Sadly i see the end result of peoples' failure to act all too regularly. Including one little boy who was nearly killed by his mother's neglect and abusive boyfriend. Maybe if one of her family or friends had told ss their concerns earlier he wouldn't have beaten black and blue and had his skull fractured at 10 months old. People fearing the parents is why cases like Victoria Climbie happen all too often.

Sorry OP but i find your reluctance to do anything really upsetting

OP, for fuck's sake just contact SS or you will genuinely have yourself to blame for any further abuse and emotional neglect this child suffers.
No excuses, just call them. Today.

You're not getting it though are you. You keep saying "I'm fearing the parent" when I've explained more than once I do not fear her it's what will happen to her DD when SS/HV go round and she gets questioned.

You can find my reluctant to get her DD possibly hurt more by her upsetting

I will not be to blame for anything at all Le. I've already spoken to NSPCC, so I don't need to contact SS. "Today".

I only need to read the title of your thread to say "yes, you should report".

I'd you have serious concerns, if your instincts are telling you this is really wrong, then you should call it in. Child protection is everyone's business, a community responsibility. Children who are at risk can't call for their own rights, don't always even know that they've got any rights, and are too confused by the situation anyway.

I have read all your posts on this thread, and I think youmust call.

Try not to worry about reprisals for the girl. . The very fact that you are worried means that you MUST make that call. Explain on the phone that you are concerned about this.

If you don't make the call, how much worse will it get, and how damaged will this poor girl become? If goog do make the call, the mum should get loads of support.

I do 'get' what you are saying op, but the point is its already escalating, without SS involvement - and it will keep getting worse the longer she is unchecked.

There are children in graves because nobody did anything, and you wouldn't believe the amount of people who come forward after they are dead and say they heard something, or noticed something, but didn't want to rock the boat/get it wrong /put the child in more danger.

Doing nothing will not protect this poor child, it's getting worse anyway. All your procrastination is doing is delaying absolutely urgent intervention and increasing the harm being done to this child.

The only thing you can do to protect this child is report it to SS, not doing so to maybe prevent further harm puts her at high risk OF further harm.

The fact that you fear for the child should ss go round highlights how much it is actually necessary. Make sure you tell ss that too.

Plus the child is going to suffer far more overall by your inaction than the mother (potentionally) being angrier with said child after first visit.

I've already said I've contacted NSPCC

She sounds like an abusive bitch. I hope for the girls sake there is someone out there who will adopt her and get her away from this shitty existence!

Well done, OP. Hopefully your friend and her daughter can get the help that they need.

My father was a smacker round the head. It's let my brother and I with severe anxiety problems :(