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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being AIBU. Another PILs one

144 replies

Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:37

So as not to drip feed. It's an PILS one.

When DD was 6 weeks old, MIL refused to hand her back to me guised as a (very poor) joke. This exploded between DH and me ( DH wasn't there at the time) and has been minimised as an inappropriate joke etc but it hasn't been openly discussed with PILs since for several reasons. According to DH when he spoke to them they were so embarrassed and upset that they had upset me etc that DH felt nothing positive would come out of it for anyone and we could just move on. At the time , I agreed as we'd moved two hours away from them so visits weren't weekly etc and have me some space to deal with it.

Still following? Great. Fast forward to me returning to work in their city in order to repay my maternity and honour my previous contract I have to return for 6 weeks only. Initially, DH and I agreed that although a nursery would be disruptive in terms of only being for a short period of time, it was the best option for DD. However, finances have taken a battering due to new home, ie we're a few thousand out of pocket for various reasons and we have to rent a friends flat for the 6 weeks I go back to work which meant that no matter what way we looked at it, full time nursery costs were totally out of our reach.

DH has asked PILs if they'd like to look after DD while I go back to work for two days a week and they've jumped at the chance. Now, in theory I know they'll love and look after her but lately, every time I see them I can only think about how they've behaved in the past. It seriously pisses me off to the point I feel like my blood is boiling.

To add to the mix, DH works away so I'll have to deal with them and I can't stop myself being quite curt (in other words acting like an arse).

How do I get past this?! They are helping us out of a massive hole and I should be grateful. They're a very non confrontational family whereas I'm quote happy to put my cards on the table but I'm not sure if it's been left to long to do this?!

Someone help me see sense and assume thank you if you've read this and managed to make sense of it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:38

Apologies for typos, on stupid phone with fat fingers!

OP posts:
Hassled · 14/07/2014 20:41

Your MIL made a very bad call some time ago which she has apologised about and is mortified over. What more can she possibly do? You need to move on. Accept their offer to help, be thankful that they're non-confrontational and let MIL build a relationship with her granddaughter.

Phoenix2014 · 14/07/2014 20:41

How long did MIL refuse to hand her back? Seconds, minutes, hours?

Original poster
Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:44

She hasn't apologised or acknowledged it, I think that's what the problem with me is to be honest rather than the apology. She refused to hand her back for half an hour and I couldn't get DD because she was a newborn and I had EMCS and would have had to grab her.

OP posts:
Hassled · 14/07/2014 20:46

Sorry - I misunderstood.

What I would do is make contact - ring her, visit, whatever - and talk about it. Ask for that apology. Then move on.

dottytablecloth · 14/07/2014 20:47

So would you only have to pay the nursery for 6 weeks if you left her there?

Namechangearoonie123 · 14/07/2014 20:48

Half an hour

Fucking hell, I would never see them again

You couldn't move after a C section and they completely bullied and exploited you to show dominance.

Please consider therapy. Also be aware that you do not have to forgive them.

Get different childcare.

Purplepoodle · 14/07/2014 20:48

So quite a bit of time has gone by since the incident which they were very embarrassed by. They made a mistake of the over excited grandparents. You need to move on and look at their positives. You can't hold one incident against them for the rest of your life.

dottytablecloth · 14/07/2014 20:50

I wouldn't see refusing to hand a newborn to her mother for half an hour as a mistake tbh.

I would be furious about this if I were you too.

RVPisnomore · 14/07/2014 20:52

Either get over it or find alternative childcare.

Your OP says they were upset that you were upset so why continue to punish them?

ritachaher · 14/07/2014 20:52

Get over it, life is too short!

ApocalypseNowt · 14/07/2014 20:53

I don't think i would make contact to discuss the 'not giving back' incident actually. Barring any previous form for being inappropriate I think your MIL made a big mistake and is mortified (hence no acknowledgment or apology). I think you'll just upset her if you continue dialogue about this.

I come from a non-confrontational family (although I've managed to shake it off mostly) and although your MIL was definitely in the wrong I think for the sake of maintaining good relations you have to let this one go.

I might be completely barking up the wrong tree but how do you feel about your EMCS? I only ask because if you still have strong feelings about it that haven't been dealt with, maybe you're projecting them onto your MIL's faux pas hence why you're finding it hard to let it go? Just thought, apologies if this isn't the case.

mynewpassion · 14/07/2014 20:54

If you are still this angry, why even asked them to do some child-care?

Either accept it or find the funds somewhere to fund the remaining days at childcare. Those are your options.

SaucyJack · 14/07/2014 20:56

Was it really half an hour, and was your DD upset? Does sound quite bad tbf.

avocadogreen · 14/07/2014 20:58

How long ago did it happen? What has the relationship been like since then? Have they seen her?

I'm struggling to understand what happened- did they walk off with her to another room? Or just hold her in front of you and ignore your requests to have her back? Was she crying?

If they are generally good people and loving grandparents it is in all your best interests, especially your daughter's, to find a way to get past what happened.

thatstoast · 14/07/2014 21:01

So you spent half an hour telling her to give your baby back and she wouldn't? Or you asked for baby back, she said a daft relative thing like "ooh i'll keep her for a bit longer" and then handed her back half hour later?

If they're not confrontational people I can't picture her deliberately keeping your baby from you? Of course, if she did do that then you shouldn't use her for childcare and will have to find the money somewhere.

Hassled · 14/07/2014 21:09

The MIL cocked up once when the baby was very small. Some crap concept of jokes or boundaries or whatever. But she'll always be your DH's mum, your DD's grandmother, and she's apparently embarrassed by it. You have to find a way to resolve it.

SuperLoveFuzz · 14/07/2014 21:16

I'm also confused about what happened with the incident with your MIL. Also not sure how the EMCS is relevant 6 weeks down the line?

Sister77 · 14/07/2014 21:22

Has anything happened since? Is this a one of incident?
If yes then for the sake of your DH and your marriage plus your relationship with your pils deal with it.
If no, then what other issues are there? If too many then pay for nursery (struggle of you have to) but don't leave your baby with them.

maddening · 14/07/2014 21:22

I had a hernia repair and 6 weeks after was still sore and tender - a cs -let alone emcs - May have more impact on some than others, a friend was up and about with no pain after a week - I reckon I would take longer, it is so personal so I can definitely understand how someone 6weeks post emcs might not feel capable of wrestling their 6week old baby from another person.

maddening · 14/07/2014 21:23

Ps if this is the only bad behaviour I would ring up and discuss it and explain how upset you are still and ask for explanation and apology.

TiredFeet · 14/07/2014 21:39

Something v similar happened to me, bil and sil just walked off with ds when he was 10 weeks old and refused to hand him back even though he was screaming hysterically. It took a long long time for me to forgive them fully, but it is water under the bridge now. I think they were just desperate to show they were great with children and could settle him. Its horrible feeling though you have my sympathies

I think if you want to use them as childcare, you need to work out how to mend relationships. It would be awful to have that tenseness all the time, and you won't relax at work.

ApocalypseNowt · 14/07/2014 21:43

I had an EMCS and was still fairly decrepit at 6 weeks.

SuperLoveFuzz · 14/07/2014 21:45

No way should the OP have had to wrestle her baby off her MIL anyway. Just think the mention of EMCS was possibly laying it on a bit thick.

winkywinkola · 14/07/2014 21:49

They were horribly embarrassed but didn't apologise?

I don't know. Will there be more boundary issues with them looking after your dd that will just kill your relationship for good?

If you're a play your cards on the table kind of person, then speak to your pil. Say you feel their keeping your young baby away from you has made you feel you need to be very clear about what is and what is not acceptable.

Personally, I wouldn't use them for childcare. It's a huge favour. There are potentially boundary issues and it's just all too sensitive.