Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

I am being AIBU. Another PILs one

144 replies

Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:37

So as not to drip feed. It's an PILS one.

When DD was 6 weeks old, MIL refused to hand her back to me guised as a (very poor) joke. This exploded between DH and me ( DH wasn't there at the time) and has been minimised as an inappropriate joke etc but it hasn't been openly discussed with PILs since for several reasons. According to DH when he spoke to them they were so embarrassed and upset that they had upset me etc that DH felt nothing positive would come out of it for anyone and we could just move on. At the time , I agreed as we'd moved two hours away from them so visits weren't weekly etc and have me some space to deal with it.

Still following? Great. Fast forward to me returning to work in their city in order to repay my maternity and honour my previous contract I have to return for 6 weeks only. Initially, DH and I agreed that although a nursery would be disruptive in terms of only being for a short period of time, it was the best option for DD. However, finances have taken a battering due to new home, ie we're a few thousand out of pocket for various reasons and we have to rent a friends flat for the 6 weeks I go back to work which meant that no matter what way we looked at it, full time nursery costs were totally out of our reach.

DH has asked PILs if they'd like to look after DD while I go back to work for two days a week and they've jumped at the chance. Now, in theory I know they'll love and look after her but lately, every time I see them I can only think about how they've behaved in the past. It seriously pisses me off to the point I feel like my blood is boiling.

To add to the mix, DH works away so I'll have to deal with them and I can't stop myself being quite curt (in other words acting like an arse).

How do I get past this?! They are helping us out of a massive hole and I should be grateful. They're a very non confrontational family whereas I'm quote happy to put my cards on the table but I'm not sure if it's been left to long to do this?!

Someone help me see sense and assume thank you if you've read this and managed to make sense of it!

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 15/07/2014 20:10

I would. If you can get some sort of resolution with the they could be a great help to you in years to come.

PlumpPartridge · 15/07/2014 20:22

I don't think you overreacted op - I am shuddering just thinking how I'd feel if my mother or MIL had done that to me at newborn stage.

Having said that, maybe you do need to have a discussion about it with her. She will HATE it, but you need to do it. Your feelings matter as much as hers.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/07/2014 20:54

I would rehearse what youre going to say to her.
Not too critical, not apologetic IYSWIM.

But a worked of caution. If she's ever done something to belitte you, or to wrong-foot you so to speak, I'd think twice before the chat.
But I've not seen that from your other posts.

fluffyraggies · 15/07/2014 21:15

I think you're doing the right thing OP. Different child care this time around - and a plan to clear the air for the future. Well done :)

How old is your DD now? Sorry if you've said. I'm just wondering how long ago MIL did the not giving back thing. In the context of bringing it up with her.

Tryharder · 15/07/2014 21:24

Yes YABU.

I had imagined a scenario where your baby was screaming hysterically and your MIL was making a point about not giving her back just to piss you off.

In the end, the women just wanted a cuddle with her sleeping grandchild and you wanted the baby back out of possessiveness and/or jealousy when it really wouldn't have hurt to let her hold until she woke for a feed.

I think you need to move on and build bridges. You would really prefer to leave your baby in a nursery with strangers than with her own family? And that's not even considering the cost of it all.

Original poster

Babycino81 · 15/07/2014 21:33

Should have said earlier for clarity but I wanted my baby back as MIL had been holding her all evening, being a grandparent and all, and my baby needed changing and had a leaking nappy. Awake or asleep , she had no right to not hand her over.

Thanks to those who offered support/advice/words of wisdom, much appreciated

OP posts:

PicandMinx · 15/07/2014 21:35

YANBU.

If you bring this up with your MIL, she will cry and deny but she will also know that you haven't forgotten what she did and neither have you forgiven her. She was a new mother once and she will know how you felt about your baby. Joke my arse. MIL knew what she was doing - showing you who was boss and putting you in your place in the pecking order. I don't suppose you have had an apology for the "joke".

Go into debt and use a nursery. Let her be a doting GP to your DD when you are all together. Don't let them look after your DD. It won't end well.

hiccupgirl · 15/07/2014 22:39

It doesn't matter whether the baby was awake screaming, awake happy or asleep IMO. At 6 weeks old you hand back the baby when it's mother asks for it regardless of how much you might want to carry on your cuddle. And you def don't flat out refuse.

Hormones when your baby is 6 weeks old are not rational and a woman who has already had her children should have some appreciation of this rather than go roughshod over the new mum. There's plenty of time for grandparents to build their relationship after the parents have.

I can see it would be very hard to forgive your MIL for this. Mine was never this bad but there were a few things when my DS was very young where she overstepped the mark and tried to take him off me or step in and be his mum. I don't bring them up or hold them against her but they are always there when I think back to his 1st weeks.

sugaryonthesurface · 15/07/2014 22:57

I think its awful for someone to say dont let them look after your DD and to say the MIL knew what she was doing etc.You dont know the woman,you dont know the OP,noone does.The OP is looking for opinions fair enough but thats the kind of stuff that makes arguments and ill feeling carry on.I think the OP at the end of it all us looking for a happy family altogether who respect each other.

Goldmandra · 15/07/2014 23:25

I think its awful for someone to say dont let them look after your DD

The OP has been very clear about her emotions when she's around her MIL. That is the reason it would not be a good idea for her MIL to be her child carer. You can't have a successful childcare arrangement with someone you feel like that about. If the fall out even more it will be a hundred time harder to mend.

She needs to find someone else to do the childcare then work on her relationship with her MIL.

sugaryonthesurface · 15/07/2014 23:30

Yes i appreciate what youre saying Goldmandra fully but it sounded like a forever dont let her?I completely get that its difficult dont get me wrong ive had similar difficulties.Its not my problem obviously but I feel like being so final can stop any chance of healing?

sugaryonthesurface · 15/07/2014 23:32

Maybe i read it wrong before,clearly it cant be an option now but itd be a shame for it to be never a possibility.

Bankwadgery · 15/07/2014 23:49

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here, OP asked for help to see sense originally and in my opinion the sensible thing to do is put this one off event behind you and find a way of building bridges with your MIL.

If you can have grandparents around it is beneficial for everyone. Two of my DS's grandparents have already died and one is seriously ill and he is only 8. I find this very sad and so,yes do try and sort this out, we are all human and make mistakes I know I have and am closer to family members because we have come out the other side of them.

Goldmandra · 16/07/2014 00:04

Maybe i read it wrong before,clearly it cant be an option now but itd be a shame for it to be never a possibility.

I couldn't agree more. I think the OP needs to separate the two issues and she has agreed that she needs to clear the air for all of their sakes. She clearly does want her DD to have a relationship with her grandparents.

It's a shame that her DH decided to make childcare arrangements without talking to her first. That has made things more difficult than it needed to be.

The OP sounds like a very reasonable person who had a very negative experience and is struggling to deal with the resulting emotions. She wants to move on so they can all put it behind them but she needs to know that that experience isn't an indicator of how her PILs feel about her now. This can only happen by getting some more effective communication happening and both parties need to invest in it.

wheresthelight · 16/07/2014 00:27

Op I posted a very similar thread when dd was a fewith hours old as my own mother had done very similar to this (under a different name). She escalated to trying to stop me taking dd home, to see other people, snatching her out of my arms or those of friends of mine who were holding her. She ruined a time that should have been so very happy and I cannot forgive or forget but do force a relationship for the sake of dd.

Please don't minimise what your mil did, she wasn't joking or she would have given her back the second time she was asked. I agree you need to discuss but do not back down or it will continue!

mimishimmi · 16/07/2014 02:11

I think the OP has over-reacted. Our first baby, DD, would only ever fall asleep in MiL's arms (except for the initial first month or so with us) - with everyone else she used to wriggle and squirm. If I had insisted on MiL handing back DD when she was sleeping thus, it would very much have been because I was feeling jealous. Why do you have to be curt and rude to them over this? I could understand you being upset if your baby was crying or hungry though.

winkywinkola · 16/07/2014 05:34

The baby WAS crying. I thought I read the baby was distraught?

Besides, that's not the point. If you want your baby back, you should get your baby back regardless.

Op, you didn't over react. It would really really piss me off too.

ApocalypseThen · 16/07/2014 06:22

The baby WAS crying. I thought I read the baby was distraught?

No, the baby was asleep. The OP was distraught.

Personally, OP, I think you're in a difficult position here but you have to think about what your end goal is. Now, your husband asked his parents without your knowledge, but that's between you and he, as far as your in laws will be concerned, you both agreed to ask. Unasking now will be a massive slap in the face for them, and since it's no small thing they've agreed to do, I think you need to whether that will further your ultimate aims.

Remember, what happened cannot be changed. Your choice is whether to escalate. And yes, people are going to be coming back asking why you should be taking the high road now when the initial wrong was done to you, why should mother in law get away with it etc, but we're really talking about where you want to be in a year regarding your familial relationship, not what feels like just desserts. While revenge may be sweet, you have to be ready for the fallout.

winkywinkola · 16/07/2014 14:15

If you think your pil will be respectful of your preferences, not overstep any boundaries then go for it.

If you think they will try to assert themselves over you and your dd, then steer clear.

I'm amazed your dh asked them without checking with you first.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6