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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am being AIBU. Another PILs one

144 replies

Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:37

So as not to drip feed. It's an PILS one.

When DD was 6 weeks old, MIL refused to hand her back to me guised as a (very poor) joke. This exploded between DH and me ( DH wasn't there at the time) and has been minimised as an inappropriate joke etc but it hasn't been openly discussed with PILs since for several reasons. According to DH when he spoke to them they were so embarrassed and upset that they had upset me etc that DH felt nothing positive would come out of it for anyone and we could just move on. At the time , I agreed as we'd moved two hours away from them so visits weren't weekly etc and have me some space to deal with it.

Still following? Great. Fast forward to me returning to work in their city in order to repay my maternity and honour my previous contract I have to return for 6 weeks only. Initially, DH and I agreed that although a nursery would be disruptive in terms of only being for a short period of time, it was the best option for DD. However, finances have taken a battering due to new home, ie we're a few thousand out of pocket for various reasons and we have to rent a friends flat for the 6 weeks I go back to work which meant that no matter what way we looked at it, full time nursery costs were totally out of our reach.

DH has asked PILs if they'd like to look after DD while I go back to work for two days a week and they've jumped at the chance. Now, in theory I know they'll love and look after her but lately, every time I see them I can only think about how they've behaved in the past. It seriously pisses me off to the point I feel like my blood is boiling.

To add to the mix, DH works away so I'll have to deal with them and I can't stop myself being quite curt (in other words acting like an arse).

How do I get past this?! They are helping us out of a massive hole and I should be grateful. They're a very non confrontational family whereas I'm quote happy to put my cards on the table but I'm not sure if it's been left to long to do this?!

Someone help me see sense and assume thank you if you've read this and managed to make sense of it!

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 21:52

What exactly happened with the handing back incident, were you noticeably upset?

Was this all she has ever done and do you think she was genuinely mortified?

Original poster

Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 21:57

When it came to handing baby back, the conversation went like this

me: I'll take her now.
Mil: no, you're hands are cold.
Me: give
Me my baby.
Mil: she's asleep and I don't want to disturb her.
Me: give me my baby now
mil: I don't want to.

The reason I mention EMCS is because I was in still in a lot of pain and it was pretty apparent my mobility was restricted.

DH has asked them for their support re: childcare, not me and I wasn't present during their conversation.

To be honest, I really appreciate the response and I realise I cannot let this go and their help with childcare won't be a positive option

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 14/07/2014 21:59

Get a loan.

diddl · 14/07/2014 22:03

It sounds awful and your husband sounds fucking useless.
They should have apologised to YOU, even if he did tell them out was all OK.
You think that they will look after her well?
So that's obviously good.
But you also want to tell them how much they hurt you?

ExamStresses14 · 14/07/2014 22:03

If your baby was asleep why were you so forceful in wanting the baby back? If the baby was hysterically crying then if understand it more.

Personally I think you need to move on from that incident and accept the childcare and hopefully rebuild your relationship with your MIL.

SuperLoveFuzz · 14/07/2014 22:05

After reading your update, you should do what you can to pay for the nursery. I think your MIL doing that when you felt physically and emotionally vulnerable shows a distinct lack of respect.
Sorry if my EMCS comment came across as bitchy. Probably being shortsighted because I had an easy recovery and was fine by 6 weeks PP.

CoffeeTea103 · 14/07/2014 22:05

I think you are making a massive issue out of this. Do you really want to deny your child a relationship with their gp over this? Time has passed, move on, I don't even see what you need a formal apology for, it's too dramatic.

GoblinLittleOwl · 14/07/2014 22:07

The most important thing is your daughter; will she settle with your in-laws? If she does, then accept the free child care and make a fresh start.

diddl · 14/07/2014 22:07

I'd look for other childcare tbh.

No, your hands are cold, no I don't want to??

Dear lord!

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:10

I would try and move on as well OP.

She might have thought you were being mean asking for the baby back and then realised she was being out of order afterwards, and she has said she was mortified.

They are willing to do it, you feel they would do a good job, and it will save you money and you said you would struggle with the fees.

Nothing about what she did would make me concerned about leaving the baby with her.

I would have been furious at the time by the way, not excusing what she did it was knobbish.

SaucyJack · 14/07/2014 22:11

That doesn't sound as bad as I'd imagined I have to say. Was it really so awful that she wanted to hold the baby whilst she slept?

I've never been in that situation, but then I've never been one to take a settled baby off of a grandparent in the first place. I only want mine back when they cry- and people are usually all to happy to hand them over.

coolaschmoola · 14/07/2014 22:11

I'm reading the conversation from the pov of being a mum to a nearly 3yo but also thinking about how I would have felt at six weeks.

At six weeks I would have wanted to rip her head off.

At nearly 3yo part of me is thinking if the baby was asleep, where was the harm in her staying where she was rather than disturb her?

But at the end of the day you are the parent and you asked MIL to hand you your child. That should have been it, she should have handed her over.

I can appreciate why you are struggling with this. I still get outraged at my Dad's wife constantly double checking that DD wasn't too hot after I'd done it. She doesn't have any children! (See - still outraged!)

I also think after nearly three years of never spending a night away from DD, nor even a whole day, I am grateful when someone takes her for a couple of hours.

I do think that you need to find a way to deal with this, for the sake of your marriage and your family, but I don't think it will be an instant fix. I also don't think you should leave your child with anyone you aren't comfortable with.

If that means skinting yourselves for childcare then so be it unfortunately.

One question - what was your relationship like with them before this incident at six weeks?

Partridge · 14/07/2014 22:13

Massive massive overreaction. She was asleep, not screaming. Jesus - that poor mil. She made a bad judgement call and you are still punishing her.

If you are going to harbour such huge hostility towards her for something so minor then I think the relationship is a lost cause so I would do whatever you want to do.

mynewpassion · 14/07/2014 22:13

Then the choice is easy. Find the money to pay for nursery fees.

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:15

Your DH sounds bloody annoying. He enabled them to avoid talking like adults about the previous incident, and minimised it.

He is now taking the control away from you again, even though he knows this was precisely the issue before.

I think the best thingto do is to take control now and try and talk to them yourself.

mynewpassion · 14/07/2014 22:16

They live two hours away. Will they drive up that morning and then drive home to redo it again the next day?

pinkerson · 14/07/2014 22:16

I would have absolutely hated this but think it's time to let it go. My mil took dd out for a walk and didn't come back for an hour and a half... She was a few weeks old bit hadn't been out of my care before then. I had tried to give mil nappy changing bag and she wouldn't take it... Said she'd just bring her home if she needed a happy change. Just remember feeling desperate to have my baby back. Didn't say a word then or since.

I wouldn't have used mil for Childcare though. It was bad enough handing dd over to my own mum but at least she'd let me being controlling!

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 14/07/2014 22:17

Unless she was smoking a roll up and using your child's eye socket as an ashtray I can't see what benefit there was in demanding her back

You need to move on over it if you need the free childcare.

ApocalypseThen · 14/07/2014 22:17

If you can't let this go, you will have to find an alternative. But just think about whether you're ready to tell them that you've changed your mind after you asked and they accepted. It might even up the offense so that both sides will have a grudge to nurse, but since they can't change the past and don't sound like repeat offenders, is that what you want?

Ragwort · 14/07/2014 22:19

It sounds like a massive over reaction on your part, your baby was asleep, MIL was holding her ................ you really, really need to get over this. This is your DD's grandmother, she will be in your life a long time.

Nanny0gg · 14/07/2014 22:20

The baby was asleeo. Not screaming or wanting you or a feed. She was safely asleep with her grandmother. Yes she should have given her back, but was that really the way you spoke to her? There must be a back story here.

If you can't get past it then your DH will have to apologise and say you'll have to scrape the money from somewhere to get other care.

liger · 14/07/2014 22:21

I don't think it's an over reaction. Having your baby away from you against your wishes taps into something very primal.

My MIl refused to give my newborn back to me, she did it with two of my DS's the visceral rage and anger that erupted inside me has never happened before or since. My DS's were niggling for a feed and I reached out my arms. She turned away from me and talked to the baby that they weren't really hungry, don't be silly. I was so shocked I didn't say anything. Both times! I was very wary of her holding my subsequent babies. It's only lasted a few minutes and the trust I have with her has never fully recovered.

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:22

Unless there is other stuff I don't think this is worth not using them on it's own to be honest, they seem keen and interested to be involved.

If you can't get over it, one option would be to try and talk it through with them but I can imagine it wouldn't be easy to bring it up, but ultimately I think grandparents are important.

Maybe see this as a new start, if MIL was mortified she will probably be looking to build some bridges and behaving.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 14/07/2014 22:22

to those that are saying they don't see the issue - do you not remember having a new born?? hormones all over the place, in pain, etc??

feck me, i would be going into debt - no way would i be using as childcare

[i am not a fan of family childcare btw so that probably skews my advice :)]

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:24

Yes when they are a newborn of course, it's your instinct. I said I would have been fuming.

But when they we older is it really a reason not to leave babies with them ever again? Because they held them too long and made quips about not giving them back? Not sure to be honest.

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