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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being AIBU. Another PILs one

144 replies

Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:37

So as not to drip feed. It's an PILS one.

When DD was 6 weeks old, MIL refused to hand her back to me guised as a (very poor) joke. This exploded between DH and me ( DH wasn't there at the time) and has been minimised as an inappropriate joke etc but it hasn't been openly discussed with PILs since for several reasons. According to DH when he spoke to them they were so embarrassed and upset that they had upset me etc that DH felt nothing positive would come out of it for anyone and we could just move on. At the time , I agreed as we'd moved two hours away from them so visits weren't weekly etc and have me some space to deal with it.

Still following? Great. Fast forward to me returning to work in their city in order to repay my maternity and honour my previous contract I have to return for 6 weeks only. Initially, DH and I agreed that although a nursery would be disruptive in terms of only being for a short period of time, it was the best option for DD. However, finances have taken a battering due to new home, ie we're a few thousand out of pocket for various reasons and we have to rent a friends flat for the 6 weeks I go back to work which meant that no matter what way we looked at it, full time nursery costs were totally out of our reach.

DH has asked PILs if they'd like to look after DD while I go back to work for two days a week and they've jumped at the chance. Now, in theory I know they'll love and look after her but lately, every time I see them I can only think about how they've behaved in the past. It seriously pisses me off to the point I feel like my blood is boiling.

To add to the mix, DH works away so I'll have to deal with them and I can't stop myself being quite curt (in other words acting like an arse).

How do I get past this?! They are helping us out of a massive hole and I should be grateful. They're a very non confrontational family whereas I'm quote happy to put my cards on the table but I'm not sure if it's been left to long to do this?!

Someone help me see sense and assume thank you if you've read this and managed to make sense of it!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 14/07/2014 22:57

But I don't think the advice to not let her mind the baby without even discussing it is very good.

I know the baby is no longer six weeks old and the OP has recovered physically but did you read the bit about how she feels when she's around her MIL? Those emotions aren't going to go away in a hurry and they are most certainly not a good basis for a childcare arrangement.

When you return to work you need to be able to feel relaxed about your chlildcare. When you're using childcare, you need really good, honest communication to make it work. Neither of these is going to happen at the moment and it's making the OP stress about returning to work.

The short term goal needs to be to find appropriate childcare that doesn't send the OP's stress through the roof. A longer term goal is for the OP to start communicating with her MIL and rebuilding a relationship based on trust and cooperation. This won't happen in a hurry.

sugaryonthesurface · 14/07/2014 22:57

Oribably means probably in my world...

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:59

I don't think finding a nanny or nursery for just six weeks will be any less stressful than having a conversation with the MIL to be honest.

Especially when OP has said it's out of her financial reach.

Goldmandra · 14/07/2014 23:07

I'd rather have the stress of managing the money than handing my child over to someone I felt like that about for six weeks but I guess the OP may not feel the same.

I do think it's important to rebuild this relationship but a childcare arrangement is something that needs firm foundations of trust and cooperation. If the OP and the MIL have more differences of opinion once the arrangement starts it could end up preventing her from fulfilling her contract and costing her an awful lot more.

Sleepyfergus · 14/07/2014 23:10

I'm usually the first to take the side against MILs(!) but having read everything I think you over reacted. Yes, your MiL shouldn't have been a bit grabby but baby was asleep and it was only for a wee while in the same house. It may have seemed a lot worse because (and I'm not trotting this stereotyped line out) your hormones were a bit all over the joint so may have blown it out of proportion a bit

But if ou wan to save money then there is no better childcare. Ou are very lucky to have them as an option. If you still feel wound up, then have a chat with them about how you are still harbouring some anger about what happened, although it seems very petty to do so now. Another option to maintain your feeling of control is to let them have her, but provide a list of 'rules' and routine that must be followed, like "we must be away from your house by 5.30pm latest, so please ensure she's changed and calm and ready to get straight into the car when I come to pick her up". Set some friendly ground rules.

Honestly, there will come a time when you WANT them to take the kids for a day/ weekend just to get some respite. I promise.

pommedeterre · 14/07/2014 23:13

Another one here where mils behaviour post partum massively soured the relationship. Over the last few years I gave tried a few times to forgive and forget and be nicer. Each and every time I've been trampled on again.

My advice is just to do the bare minimum, be civil and definitely do not use her for childcare.

sugaryonthesurface · 14/07/2014 23:14

Just a thought but would your dh be annoyed if you refused the offer?I mean they are his parents and would he be hurt?

2468Motorway · 14/07/2014 23:21

Any short term childcare will be really stressful to sort out for your firstborn. What ever you choose 6 weeks isn't long enough for you to relax and do your job and forget about your domestic arrangements.

Your family are the best shot at this you're going to get. Settling at nursery or a cms will be stressful, expensive and pointless if just for 6 weeks.

Icimoi · 14/07/2014 23:23

I appreciate that it may have felt like half an hour to you, but are you sure it was? Your account of the conversation is very short, and I would have though that within two minutes you'd have been shouting at her and she'd have given the baby back.

Also that "I don't want to" sounds confrontational, but I can imagine it being said in a joky way - with the implication of "he's so lovely, I really don't want to give him back, but I know I've got to" - quite possibly addressed to the baby.

With regard to the apology, are you sure she hasn't given it to your DH? Or he may have said to her that she doesn't need to say anything to you, he would pass it on.

maddy68 · 14/07/2014 23:26

She made a mistake. She has apologised. Really time to. Let this go. They are doing you a favour.

slithytove · 14/07/2014 23:26

This would have really upset me. 6 weeks into being a first time mum is nothing, and sometimes you just NEED your baby back.

That being said, if it was a one off, I would try and get past it. If that means you have to tell them how it made you feel, then so be it. Hopefully they will react well and you can all move forward.

slithytove · 14/07/2014 23:38

I'm just thinking...

You have to go back for 6 weeks to avoid paying back maternity pay.

Have you already used all your holiday allowance? Are there any caveats to your return? I'm just thinking, if it is causing this much hardship, can you just take unpaid parental leave, or sick leave for the duration?

I don't know much about it as I only get statutory pay so don't have to return afterwards.

JassyRadlett · 14/07/2014 23:58

You have a decision to make and it's not about 6 weeks' childcare.

Do you want your child to have a relationship with her grandparents? Do you want to be present for that relationship? If the answer to both those questions is yes, it is going to be in your long-term best interests to find a way to work through this - and it may be through the uncomfortable-for-them route of a direct discussion about how the possibility of them looking after your daughter has raised a lot of difficult feelings and you need to talk through what happened. (I come from one of those We Don't Talk About Stuff families so I understand the difficult dynamic, however their preferred dynamic does not override yours simply because it is passive.)

If you don't want the above then your difficult conversation is with your DH - about how much you want your daughter to be with her grandparents, and that you do not wish to play a part in that relationship.

These are both valid options - but I don't think the current middle way is going to be a good one, given the amount of stress that will clearly colour your interactions with them if this issue is not resolved.

PerpendicularVincenzo · 15/07/2014 02:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConstableOdo · 15/07/2014 03:17

I think you have to forgive and forget here. If your kids have a less-than-good relationship with their grandparents in ten years' time and it was all over this one conversation when one of them was asleep and too young to remember it, with hindsight that's going to be a damned shame, isn't it?

I do appreciate that at the time it must have been very hurtful, particularly in the context of your surgical situation - and the number of people agreeing with you shows that you're definitely not alone, or indeed unreasonable, in feeling as strongly as you did about that behaviour when your baby was that age - but this is turning into a grudge, and in my view it really doesn't need to become one.

You might need to clear the air: I think a lot of people have been holding back here, not just you.

bragmatic · 15/07/2014 04:13

If you don't let it go now, when are you planning to let it go. Seriously.

gingercat2 · 15/07/2014 05:04

I don't think you overreacted to the incident at all. I still have a biological "need" to connect with my six month old after a certain period of time and start to feel anxious if someone tries to keep holding her after this time.

You are not feeling comfortable with leaving your child with pil so I recommend don't do it. And if they ask why, why not say "you broke my trust when you refused to hand her back as a newborn, and I still haven't got that trust back."

ApocalypseThen · 15/07/2014 06:06

Which, in fairness, is going to be a really weird thing to say when ye asked for the babysitting.

Partridge · 15/07/2014 07:19

Ffs she is offering you a massive favour. Looking after gc is pretty hard work - maybe she is slightly ambivalent about the amount of work it will involve. You are behaving like you are doing her an almighty favour. This thread is doing my fucking head in. I will now hide it.

Poor poor mils - there has been the most refreshing thread about that relationship in active convos for a while, but this one really makes me despair.

fluffyraggies · 15/07/2014 07:55

Only skimmed thread.
The hormones and emotions raging around a new mothers body are not 'unreasonable' or negotiable.

They're there for a reason. It's natures way of making sure there is minimal separation between mum and newborn. They are not something anyone can control. Anyone who cant or wont acknowledge this when a new mum is asking for her baby back (asleep or not) deserves a kick up the arse to be pulled up on it there and then. That would be the natural order of things. Mum would be reassured, calm restored, feathers smoothed.

DH unfortunately put the mockers on that (by letting PILs get away without the bollocking or giving an apology) and so for OP the feeling is still raw.

It will always stay with you OP. My eldest is 21 and i can still remember painfully clearly how i felt when relatives were passing her about and i just wanted her back and they wouldn't give her back. With DDs 2, 3 and 4 there was no such problem. Tiger mamma had grown up and got v.assertive.

I think it's too late for the apology. However i think your DH acknowledge the incident and not repeat the mistake by over riding your feelings again. Can you show him this thread? Is there really no other option for child care?

If not perhaps it would help to sit down and really tell DH how raw your feelings still are and let him acknowledge it properly. Go ahead with the plan but be clear it's just this once and make sure it's no secret between you and DH as to why.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 15/07/2014 08:00

No I would not have them do child care.

That is all - your description of what they did has made my blood boil. Good on you really for even maintaining a relationship with them...

Adsss · 15/07/2014 08:11

Wow !
Completely understand how you felt at the time. however where do you want to be today, next month next year 20 years time with your In Laws and with explaining to you little one. Also they are you partners family, you may not have chosen to marry them but they are part of the package ( assuming your other half still wants good contact). Work it through...... wherever you both want to take it. Pick your battles wisely and choose your words

gotthemoononastick · 15/07/2014 11:05

Please do not USE this lady for childcare.You really do not like her and whatever she does,you will find fault. It will be difficult to do your job worrying about what she is doing with the child.

Be honest with your husband and tell him it is not really only the baby holding incident.

When you see your new born grandchildren one day ,you might understand how fierce this love is and forgive a little.

PiperRose · 15/07/2014 11:52

I think it's entirely unreasonable to deprive your child and it's grandmother of a loving relationship because your MiL made a mistake. She has acknowledged the mistake and is upset that you were upset but you will not forgive her for this. I hope you're as perfect as you think she should be.

Your MiL is clearly a better person than I am as you admit you've been unable to move on a been curt with them ever since the 'incident' and yet she has agreed to do you a favour by offering child care.

McFlickle · 15/07/2014 11:56

That must have been an awful experience for a new mother recovering from CS. You felt vulnerable and not in control of the situation, I absolutely sympathise with that.
But.. your DD was not in danger or harmed in any way. MIL made a mistake and it doesn't sound like it was done out of spite.
I think you need to put it in perspective and put it behind you. You've said you want to see sense and get past it, maybe this is an opportunity to do that.
If your MIL is otherwise a decent person and you trust her with your DD, and they are going to have an ongoing relationship, then there is nothing to be gained by rehashing the experience in your mind. It is in the past.
On a practical level it sounds like the ideal childcare solution where your options are limited, and it is only 2 days a week for 6 weeks, not a permanent return to work situation.