I am being AIBU. Another PILs one

[Babycino81]

So as not to drip feed. It's an PILS one.

When DD was 6 weeks old, MIL refused to hand her back to me guised as a (very poor) joke. This exploded between DH and me ( DH wasn't there at the time) and has been minimised as an inappropriate joke etc but it hasn't been openly discussed with PILs since for several reasons. According to DH when he spoke to them they were so embarrassed and upset that they had upset me etc that DH felt nothing positive would come out of it for anyone and we could just move on. At the time , I agreed as we'd moved two hours away from them so visits weren't weekly etc and have me some space to deal with it.

Still following? Great. Fast forward to me returning to work in their city in order to repay my maternity and honour my previous contract I have to return for 6 weeks only. Initially, DH and I agreed that although a nursery would be disruptive in terms of only being for a short period of time, it was the best option for DD. However, finances have taken a battering due to new home, ie we're a few thousand out of pocket for various reasons and we have to rent a friends flat for the 6 weeks I go back to work which meant that no matter what way we looked at it, full time nursery costs were totally out of our reach.

DH has asked PILs if they'd like to look after DD while I go back to work for two days a week and they've jumped at the chance. Now, in theory I know they'll love and look after her but lately, every time I see them I can only think about how they've behaved in the past. It seriously pisses me off to the point I feel like my blood is boiling.

To add to the mix, DH works away so I'll have to deal with them and I can't stop myself being quite curt (in other words acting like an arse).

How do I get past this?! They are helping us out of a massive hole and I should be grateful. They're a very non confrontational family whereas I'm quote happy to put my cards on the table but I'm not sure if it's been left to long to do this?!

Someone help me see sense and assume thank you if you've read this and managed to make sense of it!

Aw, I can understand why you were so upset. I still fume over my MIL picking up my 18month old when he fell badly (she was marginally closer than me) and refusing to hand him over so I could comfort him properly. I was OUTRAGED.

But I said nothing at the time nor since. Yes, it was a misjudgement on her part and fairly typical of her need to feel like she's better than me at coping with parenting issues (she's not), but not worth souring the relationship over.

I can't believe that you would honestly put your baby into childcare (for such a short time) with people who you absolutely don't know rather than let your MIL, who made one simple wrong judgement, look after your baby . Do you really think that paid professionals will be as loving and caring as your DD's grandmother? (I have nothing against paid child care, but in this case when you clearly have separation anxiety surely it is just going to be as bad with someone you don't know ?).

I think family Childcare can be a real minefield and paid professionals are paid by you to do your bidding.

My dd1 would fall over, cry for mummy and mil would body block me from getting to her. I still think once somebody has shown they do not respect the mother child bond they will not change.

It's only for 6 weeks though. Would a nursery even be happy taking her?

Leaving with a grandmother would be a much less disruptive experience. Unless there are issues which dictate otherwise, which I see no evidence of here at all.

I can fully appreciate that you were upset at the time. But it's time to move on and forgive her. I doubt you will even get a nursery place for such a short time and your baby will be absolutely fine with your MIL.

I'm afraid you need to let it go.

How old is your baby now? How have the PILs been with her and you since?

I'm not saying you were overreacting at the time, it was a shit thing for your MIL to do. I remember hating having to ask my MIL to give DS back to me when he was crying, she always did but I always had to ask.

But...if they were mortified and have since made amends with their actions, and are loving GPs now, why would you go into debt rather than let them look after her?

My PILs and my son now have a fantastic relationship. He has been spending days and sometimes overnights with them since he was 9 months old. They adore each other and I'm so happy that he has had the chance to have this special relationship.

Is there any way you can organise different childcare? It doesn't really matter what MIL did in a way (although I agree it sounds said she did behave badly - having had 2 c-sections, the sudden inability to sit up, twist round, bend forward etc does make you feel vulnerable) because you are so angry with her. I'd be concerned that your relationship could get even worse if they are doing any child care at all.

Sounds*like

Thank you for all your responses it's given me food for thought. PILS are not bad people, I generally, prior to this didn't have such issues with them and I probably drove them mad in various ways etc.

My priority is my baby and I know on a logical level that they are the best option for childcare for her but unfortunately not for me and extending the nursery placement we have and putting the fees on the credit card will be the cheapest option all round in terms of preserving all relationships. After reading your responses I don't think it's MILs lack of acknowledgment but that there aren't any boundaries and she doesn't respect the mother daughter relationship.

DD has been looked after by other people without any issues so separation anxiety really isn't my concern but thanks for the advice, I do appreciate it.

Would it have been as much as a problem if it had been your own DM?

If she still doesn't respect you, I think you need at some point to speak to her.

Not necessarily this time, but you probably need to give her a chance to mend her ways.

You really need to find a way to move on for your DD's sake. Your MiL was way out of line, but it was once, and there was no harm to your daughter. You describe them as non-confrontational, and they were apparently embarrassed and upset that they had hurt you (though should have apologised to you). They sound as if they really love your daughter. I'm a bit surprised that your DH has gone ahead and asked them for childcare, if that's how you feel, but you say they've jumped at the chance. I expect this is partly because they think that rifts may be healed. Could you or your DH emphasise to them that the childcare is to be undertaken on the very strict understanding that you are the mother, and your wishes must be respected?

I think you have very deep feelings about this OP.Can i say that I hope you will find a way of keeping a good family relationship with them.I think sometimes with MILs it feels like youre battling to keep control with your baby but is it fair to say sometimes as mothers with that instinct and bond we push them away?I gad to change how I thought about my MIL and now when I feel annoyed I remember that she loves him too and I dont know how it feels to be a grandma,another extention of her family too and sonetimes Im guilty of reading things like shes taking control when it just how my grandma was about me when I was small.

'there aren't any boundaries and she doesn't respect the mother daughter relationship.'

How has your MIL been with your DD and you since? Has she given you more reason to feel this way?

OP I can really sympathise with this.

When ds was about 8 weeks old I had to be hospitalised for psychiatric problems. I went for one last visit to my MILs house and she said to me In the most smug voice "oh dear being a mum isn't what you thought it would be is it?" and laughed. I burst into tears. I was about to be separated from my husband and son and wished I was dead.

To this day I cannot forget what she said and how horrible it was.

What an utter cunt.

Thats awful.

Really low.

After reading your responses I don't think it's MILs lack of acknowledgment but that there aren't any boundaries and she doesn't respect the mother daughter relationship.

The fact that this is in the present tense indicates that the problem is ongoing rather than a one off very early on.

I think you've made the right decision to use different childcare simply because it could make matters so much worse between you if it all goes wrong and it is very likely to go wrong given how you currently feel.

So, now you've made that decision and presumably have your DH onside with it, how are you going to try to rebuild your relationship with your MIL?

You need to get some channels of communication open otherwise you're going to spend an awful lot of your DD's childhood quietly seething about and resenting each other.

I sympathise with how you feel and don't think you overreacted. My mil was holding my ds when he was around 3 weeks old and lifted him to show fil, who leant down at the same time and accidentally head butted him! Obviously that was bad enough in itself (although I accept it was an accident), but they then wouldn't give him to me so I could comfort him and I had to hover around, ducking here and there to try and get him off them, while he screamed his head off! I had to really physically grab him in the end. It was years ago now (ds nearly 6), but I've never forgotten it.

I think that if you are still very angry you would be better to use different childcare. Perhaps try and take steps to move on from it though - it will be better for everyone involved in the long term. Don't let it define your relationship with them from now on.

Rather than demanding an apology, which you may never get, could you see your MIL on neutral ground as a "clear the air" conversation, to explain how it felt back then and how bad you felt? Also to say you dont want to rake over old ground again and again, but to be able to move forward, which you want to do, you do need her to see your pov and acknowledge what happened really upset you and still does.

Whether or not its true, I dont know but maybe it was one of those bad jokes that went really bad and her original intentions were not as awful as they came across.

I am not trying to minimise your feelings, but it seems from your OP you do want to move forward. If you can do it on your terms it may help you resolve that awful time in your own mind at least x

Regardless of what you do about childcare I think you'd benefit from clearing the air with your mil. Obviously if there are other issues in your relationship this isn't such a good idea because you could risk being emotionally unsafe.
But if she's generally nice then I'd talk to her, mother to mother as it were.
I didn't even let my own family see my ds for over two weeks after a traumatic birth and I was possessive about him for ages so I think I have some empathy for your strength of feeling at the time. But she is his grandmother and you trust her with him.

Sorry for speaking out of turn but if she was asleep what made you insist on her being handed back right then?

Liger and Sugary, I agree with you. My MIL did annoying shit like this and I have to use her for childcare 2 days a week and on many levels I hate it. I can't ever fully forgive her for all the stuff she did. But I shan't bore you all.

I can entirely understand how you feel OP - if someone had done that to me when DD was that young, I would have gone nuclear. And I was fairly relaxed about letting every man and his wife hold her!

BUT it would be good if it were possible to clear the air and set your relationship with her on a new footing. I recommend explaining it to your DH and saying that you require his assistance in sorting it all out. Then I would arrange a meeting with your MIL, on neutral ground without your DD there, and explain the problem to her. It sounds from your posts that she is probably a decent person, but that the history you have with her has coloured everything between you since. It is likely that she wants to improve how things are too.

Moving forwards, you then need to decide what your absolute childcare rules are (e.g. mine turned out to be 1. no climbing on tables and 2. no sweets), and ask your PILs to ensure they are respected. Then see what happens. They will probably respect your position and role, which will build up trust between you. Otherwise, you will at least know where you stand.

Hello. I had a thread a few weeks ago on the same topic. My PIL were great until we had kids and since then have been a bit of a nightmare. My OH and I took the view that they loved the kids so ignored the annoying stuff. I was seriously ill having my last baby and my PIL came to look after the kids while I was in hospital. V kind. However I was one of the few with my condition who make a complete recovery and once I was out of hospital they couldn't let go. They made comments about how bonded they were with my baby and wanted to bring her up even though I had been separated from her since she was born. They made references about whether I had any other illnesses I hadn't told them about which their grandchildren would get etc.. said if they had known then would have recommended my husband didn't marry me etc.. Instead of letting me bond with my DD they would leave the room with her and have 'their special time'. All in all it was horrible. I think that something happens to you when someone tries to take over if you have a small baby. I am so completely traumatised and things will change now. We used to see them all the time but will limit it until they back off a bit. I think unless you have been through it you don't understand - there is something instinctive about wanting to care for your own baby. If you can have an unemotional conversation now I would do about why you were upset. Don't be emotional but factual. You need to have boundaries - if you do what I did it just develops into a bigger problem. I completely understand how you feel.

atotalshambles that sounds awful but I'm glad you're better and hope you're getting left in peace to look after your baby.

This thread has really madee think and while they're offering to help is out, a lot , I don't want any future problems for my DH or DD as they're always going to be in our loves so best that I clear the air now or it will just fester.