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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being AIBU. Another PILs one

144 replies

Babycino81 · 14/07/2014 20:37

So as not to drip feed. It's an PILS one.

When DD was 6 weeks old, MIL refused to hand her back to me guised as a (very poor) joke. This exploded between DH and me ( DH wasn't there at the time) and has been minimised as an inappropriate joke etc but it hasn't been openly discussed with PILs since for several reasons. According to DH when he spoke to them they were so embarrassed and upset that they had upset me etc that DH felt nothing positive would come out of it for anyone and we could just move on. At the time , I agreed as we'd moved two hours away from them so visits weren't weekly etc and have me some space to deal with it.

Still following? Great. Fast forward to me returning to work in their city in order to repay my maternity and honour my previous contract I have to return for 6 weeks only. Initially, DH and I agreed that although a nursery would be disruptive in terms of only being for a short period of time, it was the best option for DD. However, finances have taken a battering due to new home, ie we're a few thousand out of pocket for various reasons and we have to rent a friends flat for the 6 weeks I go back to work which meant that no matter what way we looked at it, full time nursery costs were totally out of our reach.

DH has asked PILs if they'd like to look after DD while I go back to work for two days a week and they've jumped at the chance. Now, in theory I know they'll love and look after her but lately, every time I see them I can only think about how they've behaved in the past. It seriously pisses me off to the point I feel like my blood is boiling.

To add to the mix, DH works away so I'll have to deal with them and I can't stop myself being quite curt (in other words acting like an arse).

How do I get past this?! They are helping us out of a massive hole and I should be grateful. They're a very non confrontational family whereas I'm quote happy to put my cards on the table but I'm not sure if it's been left to long to do this?!

Someone help me see sense and assume thank you if you've read this and managed to make sense of it!

OP posts:
sugaryonthesurface · 14/07/2014 22:24

I think you should not put your cards on the table about it again.They must know that you were upset about it and they wont have forgotten.They will probably be pretty embarassed about it too.
I dont think you were being ridiculous about it though,when my ds was six weeks old I remember how I felt and I can understand.Thats your baby and youre mum.
I di think you should take up their childcare.They love your child and will take care of the child well and its such a lovely special thing to grandparents to spend time with their grandchild.Its only six weeks and youd be silly to fork out money and put your child in nursery when you have a safe place to take care of them.I feel like yoy dont dislike your in laws you are just wary but if anything this may bring a better relationship and theyll appreciate that you let them.

Koothrapanties · 14/07/2014 22:26

Liger has it spot on. Anyone refusing to give me my tiny new born would hav been ripped to shreds. You don't fuck with a new mum, you give her the baby!!

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 14/07/2014 22:26

I don't think that refusing to give back a new baby when asked, is a small matter at all!

I don't know whether it was done stupidly, maliciously or as a power thing, but I'd have had an absolute hissy fit. What was fil doing? Enabling her, or trying to help?

If MIL was really mortified, she'd have been desperate to apologise and sort things out.

Get a nursery.

diddl · 14/07/2014 22:26

She didn't make quips, she flatly refused.
And to someone who couldn't get up and take her own baby back.

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:26

Hatold

I agree. I think this might be a chance to clear the air without DH as an intermediary.

I hope you'd find she might be relieved to talk about it, as long as you can find a way to do it without putting her on the defensive. Might be hard, sounds like she's not a very assertive person if she couldn't apologise even of mortified before

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:27

Even if she was mortified before

moobaloo · 14/07/2014 22:30

No advice but I have a six week old and if MIL did that I would go absolutely apeshit and never let her hold my baby ever again. Definitely wouldn't use her for childcare. However time has passed etc. And it's only for six weeks...

No, I still wouldn't. But my judgement is probably skewed as I'm still a hormonal mess six weeks post birth

Koothrapanties · 14/07/2014 22:31

If it was me I would have actually felt quite traumatised and I think that would stay with me for quite a while. I understand why it is still upsetting you op.

I remember when dd was just a few weeks old I thought (in my hormone fuddled state) that dh had tried to stop me getting to her in her pram while we were in a shop. I freaked out, I was really upset. He hadnt done anything of the sort, he had just not realised I was trying to get to her. It is not a rational thing, but anything that separates you or prevents you from getting to them when you want to is awful, so so upsetting.

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:31

Have the talk before OP.

If you don't like the cut of her jib THEN use a nursery.

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:31

It is interesting that this has arisen again for you, OP. presumably the emotion is high again as you think about going back to work, remonding you of the fears that her not handing the baby back brought up all those years ago.

I wonder what things have been like between you in the intervening time?

EugenesAxe · 14/07/2014 22:32

I'm in the overreaction by you camp. From your MILs point of view could you be a huge diva? She may thought your judgement was affected and preferred acting what she thought were her GD's best interests.

I would just drop it.

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:34

Sorry, months, not years

liger · 14/07/2014 22:34

Yes, six weeks is still newborn - the end phase of newborn but I'm assuming this is a first born, a first time mum who is in pain after a EMCS, I think that would have a slant on how settled into the swing of things the op would be psychologically.

Tough decision for you op, if you feel your DD would be well looked after is there a way it could be worked so you don't have to deal with handovers, and therefore your trust isn't tested any further?

Goldmandra · 14/07/2014 22:40

She may thought your judgement was affected and preferred acting what she thought were her GD's best interests.

You don't get to decide that you know better than a six week old baby's mother what is in their best interests. If you're asked to hand the baby back you do it. In fact you don't withhold someone else's child from them at any age without a much better reason unless there is something very, very wrong.

Of course your judgement is affected when you have a tiny baby. Your instincts are screaming at you to keep your baby close and safe. I'd have lost it too at that stage.

OP, do you know anyone with a nanny who would consider a short term share?

HavantGuard · 14/07/2014 22:41

She refused to hand a 6 week old baby back to its incapacitated mother for half an hour. She has never apologised to you.

Get a loan.

BobPatandIgglePiggle · 14/07/2014 22:41

I genuinely don't get all the angst. The baby was in the same room! I (and lots of mums here) had to leave babies overnight in scbu for weeks - a cuddle with gran is nothing.

Yes, we carry the baby and so have a natural bond but I can't see anything other than control that would mean a mother (sans pnd etc of course) NEEDS her sleeping, non crying / non hungry baby back.

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:41

I'd have lost it at that stage too.

But I don't think the advice to not let her mind the baby without even discussing it is very good.

HaroldLloyd · 14/07/2014 22:42

How long does it get carried on for, years?

Partridge · 14/07/2014 22:44

She did make quips - and if the op had clearly communicated that she was upset at the time I am sure that the baby would have been handed back immediately. Although I really fail to see why it was so incredibly important to have dd back immediately if she was asleep.

And yes, I have had babies and c sections and attachment parented my kids. Not that long ago either. I also respect my mil right to have a relationship with her gc so was able to override my primal desire to have my baby with me if it was settled and not crying.

sugaryonthesurface · 14/07/2014 22:45

I forgot to add,my MIL drove me to the edge when my ds was a baby,long story but she interfered,tried to take over and dominated to the point i was feeling like THIS IS MY BABY BACK OFF and it caused me great distress that I didnt need when I was a new mother. Fast forward three years,shes learnt her place and that she can be a grandma without trying to be in overpowering and that at the end of the day we are the parents and we will make the decisions. Ive learnt that she was having her emotions all over the place with her having first grandchild and trying to find her place and be involved (even though she was a bloody nightmare and i felt myself scowling muchly)Its no excuse for toying with a mothers emotions at all but maybe there can be light at the end of the tunnel and its a case of building bonds over time.

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:46

I think it could carry on if not resolved.

I don't think I'd be pleased my DH went off talking about childcare without discussing with me.

2468Motorway · 14/07/2014 22:47

The baby was asleep and the woman made a bad decision. You clearly don't really like her much.

So don't accept her offer. Find a nursery, round here full time you'll need to find 1k a month, probably pay for a minimum of 3 months (due to deposits and minimum notice periods).

NewtRipley · 14/07/2014 22:48

Sugary

I think that's a good point. mothers and MILs alsoo have their emotions high at that time. I know my MIl did. She cried when she saw my first son, and I felt weirdly pissed off with her. I remember thinking he was mine not hers.

Scousadelic · 14/07/2014 22:53

You do realise you need to be absolutely certain about this as, if you back out of this arrangement now, it will really upset them? They will definitely see any change as hostile so you need your DH on your side and aware of your feelings and reasoning before you say anything

There are 2 options here, one is that your MIL is a hostile, calculating baggage who intentionally kept your baby from you and will likely try the same again or she made a silly mistake and is mortified by it. If it is the first of these she will soon slip up again and show her colours but it is a shame to escalate things and ruin any possibility of a good relationship going forward if it is the latter.

sugaryonthesurface · 14/07/2014 22:55

Same here Newt,and she thanked me for having him which at the time i thought hmmm i didnt have him for you....but now i think well she oribably put a lot of thought into that and was being nice.OP I hope you dont think I am dismissing your feelings,im not at all,ive felt it too and still do but in a different way.