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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

316 replies

moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 07:31

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

OP posts:
moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 09:11

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/07/2014 09:11

Oh yes and I do agree with whoever said that people posting about how they came home and it was all bliss and happiness, they did a full Sainsburys shop 6 hours after giving birth or whatever are equally unhelpful.

Princessgenie · 12/07/2014 09:11

I think everyone is different. We were discharged at six pm and had a mad dash to mothercare (who turned us away as they were closing in ten mins) and then toys r us for bottles and a steriliser and formula as breast feeding had failed but we weren't prepared for it.
Straight home to bed. DD only woke once that night and I spent the whole of the next day in bed with her, dozing, snuggling, being brought tea and cake and food by my husband. I got up to come down when the midwife and her student came to visit and was told not to be silly they would come upstairs to us.
It was awesome. And I remember if fondly. The next day. Baby blues and tears! But just for about 48 hours and then all snuggly again x

MrsBungle · 12/07/2014 09:12

Well your first day home does sound horrible op but mine wasn't. It was great both times.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/07/2014 09:13

If you shared your story un

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/07/2014 09:13

I don't understand the comment about most people won't have a single room eitherConfused I did, and 3 other friends of ours did.

OP if you'd posted in chat I think you'd have had a different response.

Princessgenie · 12/07/2014 09:13

Bugger. Sorry. I thought this thread was only one page long so haven't read the rest - my phone was only showing a few posts. Hope it hasn't turned less than pleasant and my comment inappropriate now. X

wigglylines · 12/07/2014 09:14

"I actually thought (having read lots of threads here about horrific distressing birth experiences and PND etc) that it's HELPFUL for people to hear that experiences with birth and babies can be less than ideal."

I totally agree, it is helpful to know about the realities of being a new mum, and the tough bits are all to often glossed over. However the possibility of having a good first day is just as real and to say otherwise is also unhelpful IMO.

If you had said " the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies could be HORRENDOUS" you would have got more agreement. But you said it is horrendous, and that's simply not true for everyone, nor helpful to new mums as it may well scare them unnecessarily.

PedlarsSpanner · 12/07/2014 09:15

Okay please do not use that word, it's horribly offensive and not acceptable

You are likely to get crucified now, GOOD

KeepOnPloddingOn · 12/07/2014 09:16

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moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 09:17

KnackeredMuchly AllTheNamesIWantHaveGone so I guess nobody should post any stories about a less-than-perfect birth experience here on Mumsnet, then, in case anyone gets scared.

I'm glad I'm not a pregnant first time mother reading this. Both you and your husband sound a bit highly strung to be honest. .
Nicknacky
prize for pointing out the bleeding obvious eh! Wouldn't anyone be bloody highly strung after five days with no sleep? Isn't it bloody NORMAL to maybe be a bit highly strung on a day you bring two newborn babies home from hospital? Or maybe you'd like to put everyone under pressure to pretend that it's all perfect?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 12/07/2014 09:17

What word?

And my advice to new parents is to practice putting the car seat in and out. Makes it less stressful when you have a real baby in it.

MrsMaturin · 12/07/2014 09:18

I am getting pretty sick of threads which clearly involve a woman feeling very vulnerable and yet everybody piles in to attack her. FFS this poster has had twins and had a frightening and difficult time getting them home. HOW is it helpful for HER to be told that nobody else shared the same experiences and that she is actually harming other pregnant women by saying as much? Did any of you think for one minute what effect your smug posturings would have on a new mum. I am disgusted.

FWIW OP - if you're still reading - dh and I had a row whilst being induced when the paper in the monitor ran out and I wouldn't let him replace it (there was more on the trolley) and he (works in IT) said clearly I didn't trust him with anything. Car seat - a friend was giving us a lift home and it's a good job the midwife came out to the car because all three of us were clueless on what to do. When we actually got her home she slept and we looked at her with no idea what else to do. That night we put her to bed in just a vest with one blanket because we were paranoid about overheating. She cried till dawn when it warmed up.........the only way is up from there Grin

PedlarsSpanner · 12/07/2014 09:18

KeepOn

Why do you use disablist language as an insult, please?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 12/07/2014 09:19

If you shared your story in a different manner, you would have got completely different answers. You asked if YWBU to warn expectant mothers of a horrid homecoming. Yes, you were. It was done in a scaremongering way and not in a funny, sharing my experience way.

loopylady83 · 12/07/2014 09:19

dont let people get you down hun as ive said before parenting is hard enough without people knocking u down futher. chin up sorry uve had such a shite experience

DottyDooRidesAgain · 12/07/2014 09:20

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KeepOnPloddingOn · 12/07/2014 09:20

Disabilist language !? Are you for real!? I have honestly heard it all now.

Nicknacky · 12/07/2014 09:21

I stand by that though. You both got into a tizz about something every parent has to do and that's leaving the hospital. Doesn't matter if you have one or two babies, most parents (usually the mother as many hospitals don't allow dad to stay) are sleep deprived at that time.

You keep going on about things being perfect, not us. And now you are resorting to swearing, calling people names. Not necessary, op.

wigglylines · 12/07/2014 09:22

"so I guess nobody should post any stories about a less-than-perfect birth experience here on Mumsnet, then, in case anyone gets scared."

No, not at all. Like I said, your OP basically says that everyone can expect to have a horrendous first day. That's the problem, not the idea that a horrendous first day is a real possibility, or that you shared negative experiences.

MrsMaturin · 12/07/2014 09:22

For real Shock - people attack and attack a clearly emotional and vulnerable person and then get hoity-toity about her maturity when she lashes out? Hmm

Come on - you all know that none of you would behave like this in real life. It's bullying and I don't say that lightly. Now leave the OP alone. If her thread pisses you off so much just stop posting on it.

PedlarsSpanner · 12/07/2014 09:23

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KeepOnPloddingOn · 12/07/2014 09:23

Nobody swore at you op. They did imply your husband is in need to help for his anger- but they didn't swear. You are now the devil incarnate and despite having just had two babies, they will now destroy now. This needs to stop on MN - it seriously does.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 12/07/2014 09:23

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Dayshiftdoris · 12/07/2014 09:25

When I was a midwife, even before I had children, I used to warn women...

They used to nod slightly and smile sweetly at me in a 'Yeah right, I am coping perfectly well' kind of way...

Unless of course they veterans then they knew and would gulp and say 'Yes I know'

GrinGrinGrinGrin

My own child - I was ok but dear god he was not happy Confused