to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

[moscowflyer]

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

It is quite possible the OP didn't know that fucktard was any reference to the word retard. A friend of mine used it the other day and I pointed out that actually she shouldn't be using it. She had NO idea and was suitably ashamed and hadn't used it since. Contrary to popular belief in MN sometimes nice people do use disabilist language. I hope the OP comes back, apologises and then hides this thread.

I came home with DS1 on Day 5 and had a lovely day. Was so hysterical on Day 6 that I went and got readmitted to the birth centre!

Home on Day 2 with DS2 and no hysteria or baby blues materialised though I did get so irrationally angry with the car seat that I went and bought a new one on Day 5.

Like birth experiences, it varies. I had a virtually pain-free birth with my first and hate it when people assert that birth is an awful experience as fact. Telling people that these things WILL be hideous doesn't help - but equally, it doesn't help to not prepare them for the fact that the whole process may be very difficult and it in no way means a personal failing on their part if any aspect of it is overwhelming.

Granted and it's origin has now been explained. I also hope the OP returns and apologises for using that word.

Yabu

I'm 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My (non hysterical) reading of the OP's original post was that it can be really difficult for you and your usually competent and supportive partner, don't worry, it'll pass. Not frightening or alarming at all. I expect my experience will be different, because I'm having one baby, have family local, won't have a night nanny and I'm a different person. The principle that if it's really difficult, it won't be like that forever still stands.

I think you've worded your OP badly. The key word on AIBU is "sometimes". Without that you're dead meat. I'd just hide the thread.

Sometimes people do have a horrendous first day home. Sometimes things get better, sometimes they don't.

Hcp's can't warn women because it's different for everyone.

I was exhausted when I got home about 18h after birth.
It was lunch time and my sister arrive minutes after us to help with DS. I'd only had 4h sleep in 4 days with a 42h labour, I was so tired my vision was staring to blur and my hearing was also starting to go.
I told my DSis to take her jumper off so DS could be close to her skin for comfort and I went to bed to sleep for 3h.

I awoke feeling very slightly better but still dazed from lack of sleep to find my wonderful parents downstairs as well.

It was so lovely to see them with DS, a very special time as first grandchild. I was a bit sad I missed my father seeing DS for the first time as it was the moment I had so been looking forward to after meeting DS myself. I still shared in their joy at meeting him though.

The first two nights at home DS didn't sleep at all and I therefore only added another 2-4h extra sleep over the next 48h to my total, thought if this continued I would die.Apart from the sleep it was lovely.

Fortunately after day 3 DS has slept in 2-3h blocks at night ever since. At 9 weeks we get the odd 5-6h block which I'm hoping will increase.

I think mums need to be told that the hospital won't let you leave until you have established feeding BF or FF. I know a number of friends who wanted to BF and had to stay in a number of (stressful) days before being aloud home. None of us were aware of this.

God what a nasty thread.
Perhaps the OP was wrong in saying 'your experience will be like this' but her intentions seem to have been good.
I can't believe the tone of some of the responses.
Shocking.

Ah yes, that first poo. THAT is something you should we warned about, in fact I warned some friends who were pregnant. They laughed but realise it wasn't as daft as it sounds. Although with my second I was fine, although I think I prevented it that time as I had lactulose on standby!

I genuinely don't understand, if she was wanting to discuss and warn fellow pregnant women then why not post on the pregnancy board? You aren't necessarily going to reach all of your target audience on AIBU.

Moscow, having just read this full thread (needed something whilst my nails were drying!) I think it's partly the way you've worded your OP and it also makes you appear a little narcissistic in the sense that you believe you are exclusive and the only woman to ever have had twins Sorry, I'm not being harsh there, just how I see why you may be getting some of the replies you have.

I myself don't like it when someone tries to state 'this is how it IS - how it was for me, and therefore how it will be for everyone else...'

You also retorted with a comment further back, saying well our husbands / partners were probably not as good / caring as yours had been just because our experiences were more pleasant? Well, I can assure you, mine was fantastic, the day after I came home there was a knock on our door, and I was greeted with the biggest bunch of flowers I'd ever seen, from hub, with a card that read 'thank you for my son'

I've not seen anybody really 'bully' or 'berate' you here tbh but fwiw, I didn't realise that the word 'fucktard' was slang for what it is I've personally never used it, and wouldn't, but aware you probably didn't mean it in it's obvious definition

Nicknacky omg yes. no one warned me, I had no idea what to do......

I also remember being about 22 weeks pregnant with first, and there were two (witches) women in work who both had children, but when they asked if I'd felt baby move yet, to which I hadn't, well they had me having panic attacks and everything! I actually took myself to emergency pregnancy clinic due to not having felt any movement as yet, due to what they'd said to me, JUST because they'd had children and therefore KNEW every single scenario when it came to pregnancy

I felt baby past 25 weeks and he is a healthy 6 year old now.

If they'd have kept their big, fat, interfering, know it all mouths firmly shut, I wouldn't have wasted the time of the already rushed-off-their-feet staff at the emergency pregnancy unit!

Blimey what an odd thread.
OP
I get what you are saying. I do.

It only happened with my first DC. Was blissful until the buzz wore off and I realised what had just happened to me (long horrible labour), that I didn't have a clue what I was doing and how tired I was.

Was fine with the others.

The youngest two were great because I never left home in the first place so n o need for messing about with car seats

Ironically we did have this issue with DC3 who is adopted. I had to pick him up from court and I ended up bringing him home on the tube whilst DH drove home. We didn't have a clue how to use the car seat or even get it off the travel system!

I really don't understand what all the anger and irritation is about on this thread but I have seen it before. One poor young new mum got annihilated for wording her OP about her very positive birth all wrong.

Hers was TOO positive and smug.

You can't win. Don't try.

Hail, I generally know how to do it but I sure as hell struggled with that one!

Both times (DD1 was an emergency CS and I had a massive PPH, DD2 was a much more relaxed ELCS) I was far more miserable and stressed in hospital than I could possibly have been at home. We also came back to a house with just us, no family help and certainly no maternity nurse. I think the key thing you mention OP is that you came home on day 5. That is classic baby blues time, the hormones around then really are like no other. Even the second time around, when I was fully prepared, the intense floods of tears and feelings of stress and fear really hit me like a ton of bricks.

It is definitely ok to talk about experiences that are less than perfect, I make a point of being open about my own traumatic birth, miserable stay in hospital and subsequent PND and PTSD. But I wouldn't paint them as universal or even likely to happen to many or most. Also yours does sound quite singular anyway, to be honest! Some of the details really don't apply to the vast majority of new parents.

Yabu, not everyones experience is like yours I have 4dc and my first days at home with each baby were lovely. I had an horrendous time in hospital with dc1 and dc 3 and going home was heaven.

in fact i would say weeks 2 onwards is when the real problemscan start. Once the euphoria and strangeness of being a new mum has worn off and things go back to some kind of normality then thats when any issues or depression starts to happen. I didnt cope very well in the weeks after i had my dc.

I hate the word fucktard. I also have twins. So on this occasion I'm giving the OP a pass.

My labour with first DS was an experience! 57 hours in labour Until they finally gave in and gave me an emergency section. Got him home on day 4, lovely feeling, baby blues kicked in for a few days, but then pretty much fine

DS2 planned section, home on day 4 again, all fine (except for the paed discovering a sacral dimple)

Everybody is DIFFERENT and I think it can be quite damaging to tell people who've not yet been through the experience that THIS WILL happen or THAT WILL happen

OP. I have no idea why you got such nasty replies. I started reading the thread expecting a mixture of replies with some people having had a good experience and some having a bad experience.

I get posters disagreeing with you but the tone and nasty'ness of some people is horrible.

keeping

The OP is ok to call us arseholes and fucktards then but I am not allowed to retaliate? How does that work then?

I think you will find my post says:
I have 2 babies in fact when I brought home my twins I had 4 under fives. Doesn't give me a licence to behave like a twat so why should the OP be allowed?

So not exactly said in the way you are making out keep
This was said after the OP started banding about disabilist insults but if you want to stand up for her feel free however doesn't look like the OP will be grateful of your efforts.