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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to warn first time mums about the first day home from hospital?- but then to say things get better!

316 replies

moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 07:31

I had my gorgeous DTDs a month ago via ELCS at 38 weeks. The whole experience was really very lovely and positive. We were incredibly lucky with the pregnancy and the C-section. The hospital stay was great (we are expats living abroad, and hospitals here only have private rooms, not wards). The babies didn't need any special care and were with us from the moment they came out. DH stayed with us in the hospital for four nights and on the fifth day we came home. All of this is just to underline how fortunate we were and to explain that there weren't any bad experiences. The only difficulty was that we were very sleep deprived because the four of us had all been in one little room in the hospital for 4 nights so neither of us parents got more than 45 minutes sleep at a time.

Day 5 after they were born, the day we came home from hospital, was just AWFUL. I can honestly say I have never felt worse in my life. Waiting to be discharged from hospital DH and I were both so scared, obsessive, paranoid, depressed, exhausted. We were sweating with nerves and hormones (me). DH broke one of the car seats trying to get it out of the car out of sheer stress and frustration. We had a huge argument over this (we really rarely argue at all). On the way out of the hospital we nearly crashed into an ambulance. DH started swearing and gesturing at the driver. We had another argument. We got home and I just walked in the door with the pram and burst into uncontrollable sobs, and didn't stop crying for six hours. I also ranted and raged at DH for a gazillion different things. He took it on the chin but was badly shaken himself. I was totally inconsolable. I felt like death. It was utterly hideous. (Though, looking back, it does have some comedy value!)

In all of this the babies were absolutely fine- they slept through all the drama like two angels! We were very lucky. We had booked a maternity nurse to help out with the babies that night. She arrived that night to find me in shreds, DH on the verge of hysterics, and two sleeping babies. She put me to bed, and from the next morning Things. Got. Better. Now, a month on, life is (very gradually) taking a wonderful new shape.

I was chatting about this to a friend yesterday and she said every single woman she knows with kids has had a similar experience. Which got me thinking that forewarned is forearmed in these situations. I really wish someone had told me beforehand: (a) the day you get home from hospital with your first baby/babies is HORRENDOUS; (b) it starts to get better from that day on!

AIBU to think all first time mums should be told this?

Would really like to hear about other people's experiences, too. (Might reassure us that we're not the only couple to have had a massive row over car seats in the hospital car park!)

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 08:41

Drinkfeck why is it worrying that op dh was rough with tge car seat and broke it Hmm. It's a car seat fgs does not mean he will be like that with the children. Op experience might not be everybodies, but she has had twins, both parents are exhausted. Sounds like baby blues.

snoggle · 12/07/2014 08:41

No, with DC1 getting home after a week in hospital was a complete relief, after the horrendous way I was treated.

Hence homebirths with DC2 and 3. Which were wonderful.

I think you just had a bad day!

KaFayOLay · 12/07/2014 08:42

YABU.

We came home 6 hours after dd1 was born. We were crying with laughter at our ineptitude in getting the car seat in the car. We had to get dd out and I held her whilst dh wrestled it into the car.

I got home to a beautiful roast lamb, courtesy of my parent's.
I think I was still a little high on the gas and air, I was very giggly and fessed up to some childhood things my dm had no idea about Shock

12 years on, we still laugh/smile about our day Smile

BeatriceBean · 12/07/2014 08:43

Yabu. You sound like you both are particularly struggling with a new baby until someone else took care of the "problem".

v.v.v few peoPle have night nannies/maternity nurses. And manage.

the first few days were lovely in my case. Even finished off an essay ,). I found it harder pnce my husband was back at work, and harder again after 4 months of litle sleep....

I don't see why you'd want to scare new mums with your particular crisis.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 12/07/2014 08:43

I'm understanding of your experience OP. It just wasn't mine. Or many others experience either.

I don't think you deserve a bashing OP but telling new mums this is what to expect is misleading as it appears your experience was not the norm.

Nicknacky · 12/07/2014 08:44

Aero, possible because car seats are pretty sturdy and difficult to break! And swearing and shouting at a driver doesn't indicate someone who is great at dealing with stress.

Doesn't mean babies are in danger, but I wouldn't have been impressed.

loopylady83 · 12/07/2014 08:45

not every case is the same as yours me and my DP went through the same as you emotions wise but when we got ours home it was magical, it was the colic and reflux that was horrendous!!!
if I told you that my twins at 2 years old drive me bloody nuts and make me feel like Im going to have a nervous breakdown most days would you appreciate it?

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 08:45

Op dh acted out of the norm, not wonderful but hopefully he is not always like this. I suppose when your exhausted and and anxious you can do silly things.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 08:47

Yes nicknacky I have just read that bit, let's hope this was a one off!

KeepOnPloddingOn · 12/07/2014 08:49

Another one who thinks op is getting a hard time!
Call SS!!! your dh broke a car seat and nearly crashed!!
( after days of exhaustion ...with TWINS!)

Fair enough ops experience may not be the norm, but no need to rip apart her dh because you have been given a couple of details about him when he was under an immeasurable amount of stress. I think people love to give ops hell at times, just because they can.

callamia · 12/07/2014 08:50

Birth and newborn experiences are a little like dreams. We all think our own are fascinating, but they're just one experience of many.

Moscow, your first day home sounds worse than mine. We walked home with a baby fresh out of special care who cried all the way (10mins), making us feel wretched. We got home, and life got easier, and harder, and easier again.

moscowflyer · 12/07/2014 08:51

Yikes. This is really horrible. I'm going to ask for this thread to be deleted. It was meant slightly lightheartedly. I don't think I deserved comments like many here. Christ, some of them are really uncharitable. I should have known better- nothing like Mumsnetters to deliver a right kicking that hurts.

Glad so many people had such idyllic experiences. FWIW, I think all the people here being so smug about their delightful times might put even more pressure on new mums to have a "perfect" homecoming, and therefore make people feel even worse if everything isn't perfect.

I actually thought (having read lots of threads here about horrific distressing birth experiences and PND etc) that it's HELPFUL for people to hear that experiences with birth and babies can be less than ideal.

Will ask for thread to be deleted for the simple reason that many of your responses have made me really upset. Sneer away at my cowardice.

OP posts:
IckleBird · 12/07/2014 08:52

I dont agree everyones first day home is horrible..
I had the blues within a few days of having my dc and I was still in hospital, I was desparate to leave the hospital everyday.
When we did leave it was a silent and surreal day and I was just looking at my baby and thinking to myself, what do I do now?

ithoughtofitfirst · 12/07/2014 08:52

Bless you OP sounds tough.

I had a pretty rough time too. Totally different circumstances.

Hope you're feeling better now. I only had the one baby but can honestly say once you get passed the first 6 weeks of shock it is absolutely lush.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 12/07/2014 08:54

This might have had different responses in chat OP.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 12/07/2014 08:55

Sorry OP but MNHQ rarely delete threads because the OP doesn't like the answer it doesn't work that way.

I don't think anyone is being smug at all. These are our coming home stories that we are sharing just like you are. Sorry if they don't match up but I really think yours was unusual.

Nicknacky · 12/07/2014 08:56

No one is being smug, just because they had the opposite experience doesn't mean they are smug.

And this isn't the forum to come to if you are looking for support for pnd and I think it's unfair of you to imply posters would make that worse. There is a section on mumsnet for birth stories, maybe you should post there?

But you did a post asking if you were being unreasonable and the consensus was you were.

Are threads really deleted because the op doesn't like the replies?? I understand abuse etc but nothing like that here!

ShineSmile · 12/07/2014 08:56

I got home and got horrible horrible mastitis. I did wish I had stayed on in hospital despite being so desperate to leave.

I've learnt that everyone's experiences are so different. I've had extreme end of hardness, difficult long birth, long stay in hospital, huge painful feeding problems, mastitis, tongue tie, colic, silent reflux, multiple allergies and sleep problems (baby wake up every hour at night from 4 months to 11 months). Even now, at 13 months, baby is up every 2 hours. On the other hand, my SiL had a 3 hour birth, no complications, baby slept ALOT and sleeps at 3 months for 10 hours straight at night. I can't imagine how amazing life would be and I certainly would want more children in that situation. Hence, considering how opposite our experiences are, I've decided not to share my experiences, unless someone specifically wanted to know.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/07/2014 08:57

OP, I don't think any new parent actually prepares for a ' perfect' homecoming do they?

It's a matter of let's get home, put the kettle on, sit down and relax.

DottyDooRidesAgain · 12/07/2014 09:01

Are threads really deleted because the op doesn't like the replies?? I understand abuse etc but nothing like that here!

Not that I have ever seen. They are deleted for abuse (none here), deleted for too much info causing issues in RL ( none of that here) or deleted for trolliness (I don't think OP is one).

So I very much doubt it will be deleted because the OP has thrown her teddy out the cot.

In all honesty I thought the responses have been very reasonable especially for AIBU.

You had a shitty home coming OP. Sorry it is not the norm.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 12/07/2014 09:01

I think the OP is getting a hard time! She's saying everyone has bad days but it gets better which is true! I'd much rather read posts like hers than 'magical first day home' etc which just make me feel even more of a failure!

I didn't have a maternity nurse but my mum stayed the night and helped and I only had the one, and very grateful I was too!

PetShopGirl · 12/07/2014 09:02

OP, I agree with what you have said in your last post. I'm not sure how helpful it is for new mothers to read all these stories of blissed out perfection either.

This thread really seems to have brought out the worst in MN. OP, perhaps slightly miswords OP to say 'always' horrendous instead of, perhaps, 'can be' and people are piling in to have a go, even suggesting her DH needs anger management for getting frustrated with a car seat.

FFS, the OP is still only a month on from having twins. What a wonderfully supportive atmosphere this is Hmm

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 12/07/2014 09:04

I appreciate that you are being very sweet and try to help, but aurally if hadn't gone through the experience twice before... I would read your post and be very scared!

My experience was nothing like yours. I didn't have a hint of the baby blues. It was a calm and happy time, with some terrible nights' sleep thrown in. Mine are 3 and 15 months, so not all that long ago.

Yes, it can be a very difficult time, but it can also be an wonderful time.

ShineSmile · 12/07/2014 09:08

Am I right in thinking, that as the OP has pointed out, most 1st time parents feel fear (as well as other emotions) when leaving hospital with their newborn?

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 12/07/2014 09:09

It does sound as though you had a rough time and many other people had the opposite. Mine were somewhere in between, neither blissful or traumatic, with DC1 I was quite overwhelmed and a bit vague and confused and weepy, tired but super alert all the time and finding it hard to sleep, we had been in for three nights. With DC2, I can't really remember, but I did find the thought of dealing with a newborn and a 2 year old quite overwhelming in the first couple of weeks. I'm glad things are turning round, but agree with the others, I would not have wanted to read your post if I was heavily pregnant with DC1.

I had an extremely hard time with BF and I have at times wanted to let loose in a similar way and warn others that it isn't easy peasy for everyone and why didn't anyone warn me, but I know deep down that it really isn't helpful. So I can see where you are coming from. I also suspect your friend was just telling you what she thought you wanted to hear.