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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for asking DH to speak English when I am around?

156 replies

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 15:15

To make this short and sweet, DH and MIL barely speak in English when I'm around. I'm left sitting there twiddling my thumbs feeling uncomfortable and excluded. So I asked DH if he can speak in English most of the time so that I feel included. Nothing. This will be a very long three weeks!

AIBU?

OP posts:
bibliomania · 15/07/2014 16:45

I've been in this situation loads and it doesn't bother me personally - I hate making stilted small talk anyway and I enjoy just observing.

BUT what matters is you are uncomfortable about it, and you told your DH, and he hasn't made the slightest effort to meet you halfway. And that part about them summoning you to provide food and drink - just no.

And your comment in the other thread about your DH berating you in bed. I don't think he sounds like a "D"H at all. Someone either treats you decently or they don't, and culture is never an excuse for someone not making any effort.

I'm not telling you to rush into anything, but if this is typical of how he behaves towards you, you might want to consider posting on the relationships section about the overall pattern of your relationship.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 16:56

you might want to consider posting on the relationships section about the overall pattern of your relationship.

Fully agree.

MumOfTheMoos · 15/07/2014 17:01

If she can speak English then it's extremely rude to converse in front of you in a language you don't understand.

I mean they would just whisper to each other when you're in the room and it's effectively the same thing.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/07/2014 17:08

Mt exDP's family used to all struggle to speak English so I could understand (exDP spoke English fluently). I used t take pity on them and insist they spoke their language. I could usually get the gist and if I didn't understand, DP would translate for me.

They used to LOVE it when I came out with some faltering sentence in their language and I would be kissed and appluaded just for saying "Good afternoon!" Grin

bibliomania · 15/07/2014 21:25

I was staying with (ex) in-laws who spoke no English and I only spoke about 10 words of their language. I used to sit there, smile and nod and say everything was "beautiful" because that was pretty much all I could say. They thought I was delightful.

The thing is, it comes down to showing goodwill and trying not to hurt someone or make them feel excluded, and it feels like that's what's missing in your situation at the moment. You're NBU to be upset.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 15/07/2014 22:21

It's rude and very very unkind.

It sounds as if neither of them likes or respects you.

NewtRipley · 15/07/2014 22:37

It's rude, and it doesn't surprise me to hear from bibliomania that there's more to this

jaundicedoutlook · 15/07/2014 22:58

I speak Japanese all the time with parents when they are over/we are with them and with other Jpn friends who do speak English, whereas DH can only slightly follow. Doesn't bother him to be honest...if he wants to contribute then he'll just but in in English. Never been an issue to be honest.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 23:12

But he does understand some, and he has never complained about it, has he?
Would you continue to speak Japanese in his presence if he told you he didn't like it?

jaundicedoutlook · 15/07/2014 23:20

Yes...the bugger could learn it if he really wanted to...! I expect he noticed I wasn't English before we got married. In reality I can see his eyes glaze over and depart into mental world when he can't be bothered to try and keep up..!

GreatAuntDinah · 16/07/2014 06:36

If my DP told me he didn't like it I'd be inclined to tell him that this language is a massive part of my identity that I rarely get to express and that it's important that I should be able to when the opportunity arises.

OneDreamOnly · 16/07/2014 08:04

YY great
But I'm gathering the reason it upsets the OP do much is the context in which it's happening, ie a DH who doesn't care at all about her.
And that is a different issue.

GreatAuntDinah · 16/07/2014 08:10

absolutely onedream.

Interestingly, a lot of the people on the thread who've said YABU are themselves in bicultural relationships.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2014 08:18

I agree with onedreamonly. It's all about the context. If I felt like my exILs had spoken their language to exclude me, it would've been really rude. As it was, they were lovely and tried their very best in English till I begged them to give up and speak their language. As it was, only exMiL spoke no English. His dad spoke "fisherman's English" and the next generation down were all excellent English speakers. They only spoke their language when they came to a phrase that they really didn't know in English. At no point did I think anyone was doing it purposely to exclude me - unlike the op. That is why I think she is NBU

DoItTooJulia · 16/07/2014 09:08

Yoruba is tonal and not easily learnt from textbooks or apps.

They are being deliberately difficult. You need to sort this out when she isn't there.

Lweji · 16/07/2014 10:07

Interestingly, a lot of the people on the thread who've said YABU are themselves in bicultural relationships.

And excluding others from their conversations, it seems...

GreatAuntDinah · 16/07/2014 10:17

Yes. The issue is whether the partner has a problem with that. OP has, it seems with some justification as her H apparently sounds like a bit of a dick (I haven't read her other threads). Other posters' partners couldn't care less, as they are not with dicks who they suspect of slagging them off.

OneDreamOnly · 16/07/2014 16:26

lewij or maybe being in a bicultural/bilingual setting is bringing specific issue that you don't have in a monolingual setup.
It's not that any if us WANTS to exclude our DH/DW. It's the fact that even if you start by translating everything it's becoming unmanageable and hard for everyone and the best way to deal with it is to 'exclude' one person that more often than not could have made the effort to learn their partners language but hasn't

cindydog · 16/07/2014 16:35

They are being extremely rude. You should get up and leave when they do it.

foxinthebox · 16/07/2014 16:40

Learn it in secret and eavesdrop.

foxinthebox · 16/07/2014 16:40

Or just record it and get it translated. That'll learn them.

jaundicedoutlook · 16/07/2014 23:15

Learn them...? Surely teach them...! (Unless my 2nd language, English, has let me down)!

Lweji · 17/07/2014 00:10

It's a common tongue in cheek expression.
(at least, I hope in this case Wink )

NewtRipley · 17/07/2014 08:02

Yes, "that'll learn them!" is indeed a common expression. A deliberate mistake

NewtRipley · 17/07/2014 08:02

actullay "that'll learn 'em"