AIBU for asking DH to speak English when I am around?

[gwhappylife]

To make this short and sweet, DH and MIL barely speak in English when I'm around. I'm left sitting there twiddling my thumbs feeling uncomfortable and excluded. So I asked DH if he can speak in English most of the time so that I feel included. Nothing. This will be a very long three weeks!

AIBU?

[gwhappylife]

if it was even a joke*

[bonkersLFDT20]

Ditto what Trydrawing says.

[NigellasDealer]

just keep saying 'why are you laughing' 'share the joke' - sounds bloody annoying - my ex and his mum used to do it but at least she had an excuse (could not speak english)

[gwhappylife]

Maybe I will start asking. My sister suggested joining in the laughter as "it'll appear as if you understood"

[LumieresForMe]

Hmm I'm on the fence there.

Speaking from experience (DH us English, I'm not)

The first I would say us that I would learn the language, esp if you are planning to have children together. Otherwise he will speak his language to your children and you won't understand a word. It would also allow you to blend into his family much more easily. My DH didn't and it means that either he feels always excluded when we see my family or I do a lot if translating which us tiring for me and annoying for everyone.
The second is regarding the fact his mum speaking English. How good is it? My parents do leak English, enough to be understood in most places (I mean they be been in the uk fir a few years now!) but they aren't fluent. So in a discussion it us much easier for them to speak our native tongue together. Also tbh it feels weird to speak in a foreign language to your own parents!

BUT if what you mean is that they never speak English whilst you are around and therefore you are always excluded then it is just not on. Politeness means that you do need to make an effort to welcome your host, even if on a practical pov, you can expect them switch to English for the whole 3 weeks.

[kawliga]

Wow, language issue aside he is being hugely disrespectful to you, on something he can easily fix.

[goodiegoodieyumyum]

My husbands family seem the same , MIL insisted on having a birthday party for me and for most of the party I was ignored as they all spoke their native language (Dh ws not there). It ended in tears and I was told I just have to put up with it by my MIL. I did try to learn the language but my Dh never spoke it to me which made it very difficult. I am now concentrating on learning the language of the country I live in, that is difficult enough.

[LumieresForMe]

Well as I am sure he understand it is important for you up understand some if his language to be able to communicate with his family he isn't the only person in there!

What a shame he isn't supporting you to either learn more, speak with you more or translate.
Has he explained why?

[gwhappylife]

I understand that it's weird to speak another language to your parents which is why I asked him to include a few English words at least so that I can guess what the conversation may be about. I'm doing everything else to make her feel welcomed but I feel very uncomfortable in my own house

[gwhappylife]

We have children together and he only speaks English to them.

[gwhappylife]

Lumieresforme he said it's because he doesn't know mine. Yet, whenever I try to teach him he tells me he's not interested as we both speak English so why should we bother.

[Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses]

YANBU.

It's bloody rude.

My DH used to do this, with friends and family when I first met him. I asked him to speak English but he hardly ever did. He said he just forgot. So I adopted the following system -

• politely remind him that I'm there, and could he please speak English so that I can be included
  

• tell him 'I can't understand, or join in this conversation because I have no idea what's going on. Please could you speak English or I may as well leave.'
  

• leave. Taking car with me.
  

It worked astonishingly fast. It's been years since I've had to do 2 or 3, and I v v rarely have to do 1.

It IS rude and unnecessary though. Don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise!

[writtenguarantee]

Very weird.

My parents and I speak another language, but they speak english as well. It would just be plain rude to have my wife at the table while we spoke in a different language if we could easily just switch to english.

[LumieresForMe]

So in effect on his mind, your language and his languages aren't important at all because your home language us English?

I think it's a hard one because it would mean both if you learning another language just to be able to blend into each other family.
But the when you get married surely you would want to do that ?

What's happening at home with the dcs? Are they only speaking English with you two? How are they getting on with your and your DH family?

[LumieresForMe]

Tbh bearing in mind my parents speak but not that fluently and my PIL do not speak my language (but my mil did go to a few classes when we got married!) we normally get by with a mixture if French and English when we have a family meal. And quite a bit if translation so no one feels lost/left out.
I found that for us saying 'everyone should speak English' isn't working.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yanbu at all, it is incredibly rude, considering the mother speaks good English, and your dh does not compromise. They could be talking about you for all you know and leave you feeling like a lemon.

[TryDrawing]

Ifyourawizard 's system sounds like a good one. If he won't show you the common decency of speaking in a language you understand, at least show yourself the respect of not putting up with it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

If your dh is not taking any notice leave the vicinity, why should you leave your house because of them.

[TheWomanTheyCallJayne]

The bitchy part of me things you should teach your children your language and only speak it when he's around. Would be a long winded way you get the message across though, though another language is always going to be a bonus for your children

[LumieresForMe]

Yes it's a good system if the people around you speak English too. Harder to do if they aren't!

Tbf, when I met DH, we went to see some of my family. DH knew just a few words. My parents were as they are. A couple of family members spoke a bit of English, not easily but some and certainly much more than my DH did with our language.
I did ask if we could switch to English a bit and was met by 'why doesn't he learn ? We are in , it's our family, why is it up to us to make the effort?'
I think the effort needs to be both ways really. You can't just say 'it's rude not to speak English' and that's it.

But what the op's DH wants to achieve us escaping me there...,

[Aeroflotgirl]

You heard your name dropped in the conversation. I would have marched up to them and told them if tgey are going to talk about me, to have the decency to speak in English so I can understand. They are both very rude , your dh in particular should respect you. Does not seem like he does even though he knows how it feels.

[gwhappylife]

I left the room and DH followed me which ended up in an unnecessary argument. So, it's "up to (me) whether I want to sit in with us or not. No one wants (me) to feel uncomfortable and I'm not forcing (me) to sit with us either."

I'm.on our bedroom on my laptop. they'll call me down when they want to eat or have something to drink.

[LumieresForMe]

Well I would actually have expected both the OP and her DH to speak their language to the dcs. Not the least so they can speak with their respective family. Nit just the grand parents that happen to speak English but their aunts, cousins etc... I would also expect they have some friends there who have children themselves ...

[Aeroflotgirl]

Let them get their own food or drink

[gwhappylife]

in our bedroom*