AIBU for asking DH to speak English when I am around?

[gwhappylife]

To make this short and sweet, DH and MIL barely speak in English when I'm around. I'm left sitting there twiddling my thumbs feeling uncomfortable and excluded. So I asked DH if he can speak in English most of the time so that I feel included. Nothing. This will be a very long three weeks!

AIBU?

[WorkingBling]

My brother and sil speak both her language and English at home. None of us speak her language but her family speak some English and her English is excellent. When we all get together, a mix of languages is used. If I was sitting with sil and her mother in the lounge it would be English as that is polite. If we are all cooking a meal it's mix because it's easier for her dm to think in her language so we kind of middle through.

Your dh and his mum speaking their language is not rude. But speaking it in a social type situation in your home is very much so. You absolutely should politely and calmly leave the room/ house and go do something you want to do. If they ask, tell them they were clearly enjoying some mother son time so you left them to it.

[thegreylady]

YANBU when I go to my son's family in Turkey I feel like a lemon a lot of the time as most of ddil's family only speak Turkish and I only know a little. However, someone usually translates the gist of what is going on for me or they apologise and say, "Honestly it's just about Grandad's wallpaper so not interesting." If its a joke it is translated for me. You are in your own home and should not be feeling left out. I don't think much of your husband's attitude. Does Nigerian culture expect women to be subservient?

[GreatAuntDinah]

They both already speak English well, it seems like the only reason they don't speak it with the OP is to purposely exclude her.

Actually it could be because speaking a second language all days is hard work and feels really weird and unnatural when you're doing it with your own parents /child when your relationship has always been conducted in your mother tongue.

[whatever5]

YANBU. I love the fact that in this type of thread so many people suggest that you just learn the language as if it is no effort at all and not incredibly time consuming (for some of us anyway). DH generally speaks in his native language with his extended family and I have always found it very irritating to the extent that I avoid visiting them nowadays. I understand quite a bit but I'm not fluent and never will be. I think that if they can't be bothered to speak English (they are all fluent) I'm not going to bother to visit..

[chipshop]

I'd ask him and MIL to translate absolutely everything they say. Stop them between each sentence and look really interested and ask them for a translation. Annoy them back!

[tanukiton]

AIBU You married him, you married his culture. Always translating into another language is tiring, maybe she wants to share a bit of time with her son and not have to think about it. It is for 3 weeks out of the year. Just go out and enjoy a bit of free time.

[Serendipity30]

Nope, im from an African background and I think he is rude. Yoruba is not an easy language to learn and OP's husband has made no concessions to involve her. He married HER too and has made no effort to learn her language. So nonsense to all the people saying OP should be the one to make all the effort. OP's husband and mother inlaw are rude, that is clear no matter the culture

[Serendipity30]

Actually it could be because speaking a second language all days is hard work and feels really weird and unnatural when you're doing it with your own parents /child when your relationship has always been conducted in your mother tongue. the above is nonsense, English is my 3rd language and I speak my own languages with family, however it is easy for me to speak to them in English too. Sometimes i speak in my language because i want to, because its easy or because there is something i dont want others to hear

[pluCaChange]

It is harder to speak a foreign language, especially when you're tired, and a bit weird to speak it with your family, BUT the same goes double for happylife's treatment: very very tiring to try to follow a foreign language you hardly know, and weird to have your husband cut you out so completely given that he normally won't speak his language with either his wife or DC. On balance, H and MIL were far ruder.

[steff13]

It would be different if the OP was stubbornly refusing to learn his language, but that's not the case. Her husband has not supported her in trying to learn the language, yet he also doesn't try to include her in conversations even after she's asked him to. That makes it seem very much like he's excluding her on purpose. I think it's disrespectful and I would be hurt if it were me.

[peasandlove]

sounds like the language thing is the least of your problems. They are being rude and deliberatly excluding you. Where is the respect?

[Runesigil]

OP, practise these and repeat, repeat, repeat.

I can't speak Yorùbá [well]
N ko le s? Yoruba [daradara] / N kò le gb?? èdè Yorùbá [daradara]

Is there someone here who speaks English?
?e ?nik?ni wa nibi ti o le s? oyinbo?

wikitravel.org/en/Yoruba_phrasebook

www.omniglot.com/writing/yoruba.htm

[GreatAuntDinah]

Sometimes i speak in my language because i want to, because its easy

Yes, which kind of proves my point . Communicating in your mother tongue with family members is easy and natural, using a less familiar language can feel weird and stilted.
OP I'd be more inclined to say YANBU if you were at a restaurant or something. But at home, you have the option to just wander off and get on with something else.

[pluCaChange]

"Sometimes i speak in my language because i want to, because its easy"

Yes, which kind of proves my point. Communicating in your mother tongue with family members is easy and natural, using a less familiar language can feel weird and stilted.

What's sauce for the goose is good for the gander: is it more "weird and stilted" to speak a foreign language you know well and use every day, or to struggle to understand a foreign language you know very little of?

Also: "at home, you have the option to just wander off and get on with something else." ... not if you're being called down to make drinks, which are closer to the people who are asking them to be made!

[GreatAuntDinah]

If the DH spends his entire life speaking his second language then it's perfectly understandable to me that he wants to speak his mother tongue when he can, particularly with his mother. There's a big emotional tie between family and language. If I'm sitting in the kitchen chatting with my mum over a cuppa about banal everyday stuff I wouldn't translate for DP unless he needed to be involved and I'd be if he expected to be party to all our conversations. I wouldn't call him down to make the tea though and I think that's a different issue.

[pluCaChange]

A natter with your mother is a bit different if it's sprinkled with mentions of the op's name, without translation!

[GreatAuntDinah]

I just asked DP how he feels about this and he was kind of 'meh' because even if he hears his name he knows I won't be slagging him off. I would generally sum up for him at the end of the conversation if it involves him at all though.

[ADishBestEatenCold]

It's a while since I read the whole thread, but it seems to me that GreatAuntDinah is saying that it is not rude for the OP's DH and his mother to speak in their own language for long periods of time, even if this is to the exclusion of the OP.

Yet, as far as I recall, we know from earlier posts that the OP's DH does mind if the OP speaks in her native language with one of her family, because the OP's DH does not speak his wife's native language.

English is a second language for not only the husband and his mother, but also for the OP and her mother, but it is the only language that ALL have in common.

How does that square with what you are saying, GreatAuntDinah?

[GreatAuntDinah]

As I suggested upthread it depends on the circumstances. So if they're at a restaurant or a party, the OH is being U. If they're just having a natter in the kitchen at home (as seems to be the case in the OP) when the OP wanders in, she is being U.

[whois]

Does Nigerian culture expect women to be subservient?

The OPs DH certainly does :-(

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

I had that this at work years ago, when I worked with a lot of Portuguese people (in the uk) they would all speak portuguese, really hard work when you're meant to be working and they are talking in portuguese.

[annielouise]

Completely rude and something I've experienced. If they want to have a private chat about something specific at least say do you mind if I talk to my mother about this and let them go and sit in the kitchen or garden. You shouldn't have been made to feel you should leave the room and you certainly shouldn't have to put up with them talking in another language in front of you.

Would he have done this if it had been your mother or father in the room, or a visitor? Probably not. Politeness would have made them talk a language they all could understand so why are you not worthy of a similar level of politeness?

[LumieresForMe]

Oh come on. Every family will find their own balance on what is working for them.
If the dm us coming for 3 weeks, I would imagine she doesn't live in the uk. It also means she doesn't see her ds (the DH) very often.
So here is someone who does speak English but isn't using it regularly arriving in another country. Of course she wants to speak her language with her ds! And she would also very probably find it extremely hard to ideal mainly/only English during the whole stay. Speaking a foreign language that you hardly use normally is hard and tiring! And NOT the same than people living and working in the uk.
The same apies to the OP family. It might bebthst her parents are confortable enough with English to speak it continuously. It might well be that her parents live in the uk, in which case speaking English isn't an issue.
But saying that because her parents can manage it and yo her eyes her dh's mum seems ok with English therefore everyone should be speaking English .

Fwiw, when I met DH and we went to his parents, I speak years not being able to join in it understand what they were talking about. Even though I am bilingual.
They have a very strong regional accent, use some regional expressions and were talking about things I have no idea about (think farming, repairing a tractor, steam locos etc...). I've learnt to 1- be better at understanding them, 2- zoned out depending on the subject/take a book. Strangely enough it didn't cross my Mind to ask DH to 'translate' all the time, his parents to change their accents etc...

[GreatAuntDinah]

Entièrement d'accord lumières!

[Lweji]

Having found this thread through another by the OP, I'd suggest you start speaking your other language to them. Preferably calling them twats.