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AIBU?

AIBU for asking DH to speak English when I am around?

156 replies

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 15:15

To make this short and sweet, DH and MIL barely speak in English when I'm around. I'm left sitting there twiddling my thumbs feeling uncomfortable and excluded. So I asked DH if he can speak in English most of the time so that I feel included. Nothing. This will be a very long three weeks!

AIBU?

OP posts:

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MissHC · 09/07/2014 16:06

Hmm interesting. I'm the one who speaks the foreign language at home. DP understands it a bit. Trying to raise DD bilingually (though she's not at the talking stage yet).

I've bought numerous language courses hoping that he would learn the language, but he doesn't want to. He doesn't speak any other languages than English, I speak 5. We live in the UK.

When we're visiting my home country or one of my family/friends is visiting us, I tend to speak my mother tongue. Whilst they all speak English, it certainly isn't fluent and they struggle to follow the conversation. I also find it feels odd. Only with my father we all speak English, but he speaks it all the time for work so is used to it.

I guess I'll have to make more of an effort to include DP from reading the comments on here.

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:09

Lumieresforme its only my dad's generation that speaks his language. My cousins don't even know it and I speak it because my dad made sure we all knew it. It was my uncle's and aunt's (and my parents to said uncle's and aunt's).who were speaking it at the family bbq.

OP posts:

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:10

MissHC please try to, he may not be as bothered as some but at least it'll be nice of you to.

OP posts:

VeryStressedMum · 09/07/2014 16:11

It's very rude, but I would just do something else and let them get on with it. Or pick up a magazine and read it.
If your dh says anything just tell him the truth, you can't be expected to sit there like a lemon while they chatter away in a different language. If they want your company they'll have to be a bit more polite.

LumieresForMe · 09/07/2014 16:12

miss I do the same than you except that my dcs are older so we have had more time together. The bottom line us that I just go back home on my own to see friends and family. It's just too hard work for me and DH when he is around. And yes it would have made things easier if he had learned the language.
He would probably also not feel so excluded around the table when I speak to our dcs, using my language.
But there is no way I'm stopping that because that one of the big time when we all speak and if I stop they'll never be even close to be bilingual.

The reality is that you can't expect people to all switch to English. Actually you wouldn't expect it if it was any other language because the expectation that 'everyone speaks English' (or some English) just isn't there.

But I dont think that the OP situation.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 16:14

Actually I think you have to get used to it. When you have children, I assume your DH's family would want them to be bilingual. And to make it work, you'll need them to be speaking the other language in front of the children and you.

FWIW, my parents live overseas and we never speak my native language at home. (I'm not that good at it either). It's never an issue unless DH visit my home town with me, then everyone speaks the other language. However, since DD was born, we made the decision to give DD as good a bilingual start as we could. That means I speak my language to DD. (I still swap to English sometimes when I just can't express what I want to say, or when I can't find the word for it). But DH has got used to me speaking a different language at home. DD doesn't reply in my native language at all (she's 3yo), given I'm the only other speaker around, and that the family language is English. But DH thinks at least we are preparing DD for when she went over to visit. It's extremely boring to be the person who has no idea what is going go around him, according to him! So I sympathise but it's something that just comes with marrying a foreigner.

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:14

I wasn't asking them to only speak in English but to include English words so that I can at least be included or at least learn. It's really shitty to be sat there feeling like an extra when they are joking and laughing and I'm there looking at them like "what's funny? "

OP posts:

LumieresForMe · 09/07/2014 16:15

gw how are your dc coping with family members that don't speak English, whatever the side?

Unless you both see your own family on your own and your dcs have little contact with them, I am struggling to see how it's going to work. You can't be translating all the time, even if it's a little bit of the the conversation.

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 16:16

Oh and DH have tried learning it. However it's a regarded as one of the most difficult languages for an English speaker to learn. It's Chinese Cantonese. ie a Chinese dialect with the added bonus that there aren't many material to learn the language. But my family doesn't speak the main Chinese dialect and I couldn't speak it either.

SquigglySquid · 09/07/2014 16:17

I have latino friends and once in a while they speak spanish when I'm there until I just sort of interject and ask what they're talking about, then they switch to english for me (I only know "tourist" spanish...restaurant, airports, basic pleasantries).

The general rule with different languages is that you speak the language that includes the most people. So if most people speak say Russian, you talk in Russian for them. It's just common courtesy.

But really, I'd just wander off. If they're speaking in a different language they don't want to include you anyway.

Ifyourawizardwhydouwearglasses · 09/07/2014 16:17

Ps I should say I never made a big deal or got arsey about leaving. That would just fuel the fire. It usually went like this in a phone call a bit after I'd gone:

DH - where are you?
Me - oh I've gone home/friends house/shopping/etc
DH - why!?
Me - well, I asked a couple of times if you could speak English to stop me feeling awkward and allow me to join in, but you didn't so I thought I'd rather just go do something else. After all, there's no point me standing there like an idiot with no clue what's going on. Just ring me when you're ready to leave and if its not too late ill come pick you up.
DH - I'm really sorry. Come back, I won't forget again.
Me - no thanks, I'm having fun doing xyz now. You have a good time though. See you later!

Upshot = no argument, über reasonable, guilty DH. It really worked :)

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:17

Maybe I'm being unreasonable. Honestly, I'm a very quiet person and I prefer my own company so I struggle with social gatherings; I'm trying my level best here and it feels really shifty when I don't have a clue what is being said.

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gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:19

Lumieresforme my DCs don't have any problems whatsoever as my family speak English to them as do DH's family. it's odd but no one tried to teach them either languages

OP posts:

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:20

shitty* not shifty

OP posts:

FryOneFatManic · 09/07/2014 16:20

OP, I'd teach your DCs your own language anyway. I'm told that learning another language at a younger age is a real help for learning other languages later on.

I only speak English, being partly deaf contributed to that, plus it was standard when I was young for language lessons not to begin until a child was at least 11.

Both my DCs had some French lessons in Primary school, and it certainly seems to have assisted DD in getting some very good results in her German lessons as she comes to the end of Yr 9.

NigellasDealer · 09/07/2014 16:20

you are not being unreasonable at all if they are cackling away and you can hear your name in the conversation....
put your foot down!!

gwhappylife · 09/07/2014 16:23

Nigella, I did but it backfired in my face. it's fine anyway, I'm.upstairs now. I'm sure my absence isn't felt

OP posts:

NigellasDealer · 09/07/2014 16:24

OneLittleToddleTerror · 09/07/2014 16:25

gwhappylife that's so strange. Are the DCs with DH? (I assume so)! Why do they speak their own language amongst themselves but not teach it to the children?

sunbathe · 09/07/2014 16:25

Well when they ask you for food and drink, just reply in your own language. Neither will understand. May get the point across?

GreatAuntDinah · 09/07/2014 16:31

YABU. My conversations with my mother usually go like this:

Me: DP is taking the dog out for a walk later.

Mother: Oh that's nice. Hope it doesn't rain. Can he pick some bread up while he's out? Oh BTW did I tell you aunty Cathy is having a mole removed?

DP might catch his name out of all that but honestly my need to speak my mother tongue to my parents trumps his need to understand the ins and outs of our (usually completely banal) conversations.

lainiekazan · 09/07/2014 16:32

It is rude.

Some of my family speak another (mainstream European) language and steadfastedly refuse to believe anyone can participate in their conversations.

I overheard relative saying to another - right in front of me, "What did you think of Lainie's dinner? I thought it was disgusting." I couldn't think what to say but steamed inwardly. I wasn't so much cross about my insulted cuisine as the fact they are so arrogant as to think that I'm too stupid to understand what they're talking about.

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FFSFFS · 09/07/2014 16:37

My DH and his Mum speak to each other in a language I don't understand. It doesn't bother me in the slightest. They are talking to each other and prefer to do it in the language they have always used. They both speak perfect English but his Mum probably feels more comfortable in her own language.
I am not be 'excluded' . That implies they would be doing it to deliberately leave me out.
I sit and play on my ipad if they are chatting. It's not an issue and has never been an issue over the last 30 years.

AnotherMonkey · 09/07/2014 16:38

That's such a tricky one.

I agree on the whole that YANBU, I wouldn't expect the entire visit to be conducted in English but equally, I wouldn't expect to be so thoroughly discounted.

The way you approach this has a lot to do with what your relationship is like away from his mother and how often you see her, I guess!

OldFarticus · 09/07/2014 16:40

I have the same issue (albeit different language) with my MIL and I think YANBU.

Unfortunately my MIL speaks very little English and I am trying to learn DP's language but it's bloody hard (non-Latin alphabet) and I have a FT (and then some!) job. MIL on the other hand has owned property in the UK for 30 years and retired for the last 10, but has never bothered to learn English.

It winds me up no end, but in DP's culture MIL's word is law so I suck it up (and grumble on here!)

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