AIBU for asking DH to speak English when I am around?

[gwhappylife]

To make this short and sweet, DH and MIL barely speak in English when I'm around. I'm left sitting there twiddling my thumbs feeling uncomfortable and excluded. So I asked DH if he can speak in English most of the time so that I feel included. Nothing. This will be a very long three weeks!

AIBU?

[sonlypuppyfat]

It's a big ask learning a whole new language just so you can speak to your MIL.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I would recommend trying to learn the language - but not telling anyone you are doing so. That way, you will start to know whether they are using the other language to purposefully say things they don't want to hear.

My DM was briefly "married" to a utter cunt man who sometimes used to speak English & sometimes used to speak Mandinka, depending on whether he wanted mum to understand what he was saying or not . He was raised bilingual so could speak fluent English - when he wanted to. As could the friends or family he was talking to.

He got the shock of his scummy little life when mum confronted him about something he'd been saying in Mandinka .

[ADishBestEatenCold]

I don't think you are being unreasonable, gwhappylife and, at very best, I think they are being extremely rude.

I say 'at very best' because, of course, you don't know what they are saying so, theoretically at least, it could be a lot worse than rudeness. They could be being unkind, derogatory, manipulative, disloyal, any number of things ... or they could be saying nothing bad at all.

What do you think, gwhappylife? What do you feel? Is this just rudeness, or is there something more?
Is your DH doing or saying anything at all to reassure you and show his loyalty?

[ADishBestEatenCold]

"I'm trying my level best here and it feels really shifty when I don't have a clue what is being said"

"shitty not shifty"*

Freudian slip, OP?

[Aeroflotgirl]

Op is trying to learn her dh language and knows some basics, but her dh is making no effort to help or teach her, even though it's for his benefit, so why should she bother! If they ask for something definitely reply in your mother tongue, to see his it's like.

It's not easy for adults to learn a different language, it's best done when young, some languages are harder than others. When you are at your family functions, make no effort to speak English and talk to your relatives in your language, then he will know his it feels like!

[Aeroflotgirl]

Santa fantastic I get tge arse did!

[Randomnames]

My advice is that however uncomfortable it may make you feel now, use it to your advantage to learn the language. There are online courses /apps books available.

It will also make life easier for your children if they can learn otherwise when they meet with their cousins (on their father's side) they will feel excluded just like you and think that they are being spoken about / laughed at.

I can understand how an elderly woman feels more comfortable speaking her own language to her son, regardless of how perfect you may think her English is.

Maybe if you take the lead to learn the language and persevere, because you want to, when your husband sees you are serious and that it's not a token gesture or a reaction just because you think people are talking about you he will encourage / support you.

[MasterFlea]

It would be nicer if they made an effort to include you since they both can speak english.

My PIL don't know any english and I used to sit twiddling my thumbs when visiting them and then just started pulling out a book. My finnish has improved over the years so I will try to listen more now but I still sometimes start reading if they have been around for the day.

Other relatives and friends will throw in some English to try and include me in the conversation. DH will translate the odd bit even though he doesn't like doing it.

[whois]

I'm am 100% in the YANBU camp.

He married you knowing you don't speak his language.

It is polite to speak in the language everyone speaks when all together and chat in their language when you aren't there. Maybe you could try and give them some time alone to speak in their own language and insist on English when together?

[LumieresForMe]

OP
If everyone is happy to speak English ton the dcs and when the dcs are around (let's face it they will be more and more involved in adult conversation) then I think bith families are unreasonable to not speak English when either you or your DH are present!

The setting you have means that at some point all family gathering will be mainly in English by default as I am sure people will all want to have the dcs part if the conversation.
But atm neither family feels the need to do so because their main focus is you/your DH so they don't feel the need to. It roll make you uncomfortable. It is making your DH uncomfortable too.

Maybe you could try and say 'ok I know it had been hard for you when my family was there and you felt excluded. I feel the same when your family is there. Can we all try and agree to speak English when we are together so that we, me or you and the dcs, can all understand each other and communicate and feel part if the same family.'
One big issue you will have to face though is for you to convince your family and for him to convince his. They might not be so receptive or able to.

It's a shame that your dcs will not be able to really connect with the wider family though.

[LumieresForMe]

Btw I think the worse you can do is tit for tat approach. This is not just about you and your DH there bits about your family, his family and all the very comes relationship between them.

Whatever solution you will find will have to work for both families and it might be that you will find solution with one side and another way for the other us the best way forward.

[Absy]

DH is French, and I've ended up learning it (I'm not fluent, I understand it very well and can make light conversation) just because it's easier. It does suck (and this was a huge motivator for me to learn it) to be sat there and not know what on earth is going on, if the majority of people were French and they were speaking it (not trying to be rude, but just because it's easier). I took classes and I listen to French radio stations, which I found to help with comprehension. And you know what I realised when I started understanding DH's conversations? As someone else said further up thread, they were really dull. It is things like "do you want toast? Did you hear about Francois' toe surgery?" And so on. However, if you think your DH and mil are saying derogatory things about you in front of you, then there might be bigger issues than just language.

[Rainbunny]

My friend is Swedish, although her parents are Portuguese (they moved to Sweden when she was a child) and her husband is Italian. It's like the UN when the families get together, and they all make an effort to speak English - the common language they all share (to differing degrees of fluency).

My other friend is an English speaker married to a man of Vietnamese descent. When her MIL visits she will not speak a word of English and although my friend has tried to learn as much Vietnamese as is reasonable (when she isn't working full-time and caring for her two SEN DCs), it's not feasible to expect her to become fluent in Vietnamese to humour her MIL on her annual visit (especially considering that the MIL has been in this country for 40+ years and never bothered to learn a word of English). Of course once my friend realized that her MIL will never admit to knowing any English she decided that having a non-communicating MIL is very peaceful.

[Youoryou]

YABU - I don't think it is rude of them. They can speak whatever language they feel comfortable in

[Aeroflotgirl]

Youoryou it is rude especially if they are talking about you!

[Aeroflotgirl]

What about op dh making an effort to learn her language, why should she just learn his, it works both ways!

[Tallandgracefulmum]

You should make the effort to learn/speak. My husband is of mixed heritage, and speaks 3 languages, he converses with members of his family in the MT, I do get the gist, but don't expect them to speak English because of me, but I can get by too and get praise for my efforts, especially when I pick up the phone and his parents have called.

[steff13]

What about op dh making an effort to learn her language, why should she just learn his, it works both ways!

She has tried, but he's not supportive, and won't help her.

It sounds like he's being kind of a dick about it, IMO. They both already speak English well, it seems like the only reason they don't speak it with the OP is to purposely exclude her.

[steff13]

Ugh, I responded to the wrong person. Sorry, Aeroflotgirl.

[steff13]

Anyway, OP has shown an interest in learning, why wouldn't her DH (and MIL) want to encourage her?

[sykadelic]

I'd record their conversations and then learn on the sly. That way you know what they're talking about.

Sounds like he's trying to hide something.

Also, standing up to him didn't backfire, you were made to feel like it was your fault when it ISN'T. They're being incredibly rude. In fact, I get the feeling there's a fair bit of emotional abuse in your relationship. The way he speaks to you isn't normal.

[Andrewofgg]

My background is Central Europe refugee. When I was small there were rellies and friends whose language of voice was German and in my presence when we visited my parents pressed them to speak English so as not to exclude me.

But I learnt German from age seven and from about nine my German was better than their English and from then on I was expected to make the effort and speak German with them.

The only possible rule is: whichever language best allows all present to understand. So YANBU and you should say In English please as often as need be until it becomes less bother to speak English to begin with.

Good luck, it could be a rocky road.

[pluCaChange]

My DH is foreign, and I have always understood some of his language, as it's similar to another language I know. We speak English between ourselves, and I follow conversations by my ILs, sometimes contributing in their language, sometimes in mine (if I don't know how to express myself otherwise).

However, one of the biggest boosts to my language, which Mrhappylife is NOT offering, is speaking to the children. My vocabulary in DH's language is so much wider as a result of listening to that every day, and I am more attuned to the language. Not to mention that our DC aren't excluded from conversations with their GPs and other relatives!

By constrast, happylife's "D"H and MIL's unwillingness to engage a wife or children in their world is really rude and alienating, and they're going to either find that the children reject them at some point, or - perhaps even sadder - both happylife and the DC may spend the rest of all their lives together, accepting that when Daddy and Granny shut a door on them, they have to accept it.

[JapaneseMargaret]

This isn't about the language you speak at all.

Does your DH even like you? Because it really doesn't read as if it does, going by this thread.

When the lazy, rude articles call out to you for food or drink, I hope you plan to shout back in your mother tongue for them to get it themselves.

I can't imagine a loving spouse behaving like this.

[toomuchtooold]

YANBU. (Well, IANBU so YAN either!)

International/intercultural relationships require all manner of compromises and sacrifices and effort, and language is only one part of that. Some British people will just say oh you have to make an effort but that doesn't take into account what other efforts you make in your relationship. I speak my OH's language but it's hard work as we live in the UK so I never get much practice. When my inlaws come, I often zone out of conversations for a while. I used to be embarrassed at my lack of language skill (like all right thinking slightly left wing British) but you know what, I have twin toddlers, if someone wants to look after them while I sit in German classes they can go right ahead and give it their best shot.