Is my friends mum BU by expecting to be paid for babysitting her grandchild?

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Posting on behalf of a friend who doesn't 'do' the internet (total luddite)

She has an 11 month old son and is going back to work next month 4 days per week. Her and her DH can only afford 2 days a week at nursery for their DS, so the DHs parents are having him on the 3rd day (they work part-time and can accomodate this) and she has asked her mum to have him on the 4th day.

Her mum (who's 54) isn't retired but she is in a sense - i.e. she hasn't officially taken early retirement and released her pension, but she never intends to work again and is supported financially by her husband. My friends mum wants to be paid for the days she looks after her grandchild. 25 a day shes asking for (which is half the price of nursery). She says it's because her husband doesn't earn a lot and it will take her away from her domestic jobs (by that she means the chickens and geese they look after daily).

My friend and her DH earn good money, but not enough to budget for 4 days a week at nursery (which would be 200 per week). They can afford to pay the extra 25 a week, but my friend is feeling a bit indiginant about being charged by her own mum, who won't lose out financially from looking after her grandson.

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Who IBU here? My friend has told her mum she'll think about it.

I did say that though, but you are right it's their responsibility.

I can't afford much childcare so I don't work, no way I'd ask either GPS. It would kill my mum and MIL would tell me NO WAY.

People I know either pay the GP, or if they won't take it compensate in other ways, loads of favours back or nice gifts etc.

Full time that should say, I work freelance.

My DS1 is 25 and if he has any DC I would like to help him and his partner out if they would like a break and have a few weekends away a year, nights out or do emergency childcare. I wouldn't want to commit to a regular childcare arrangement. I want to take advantage of the cheap holiday deals on Groupon etc I get emailed to me all the time. I have spent the last 25 years tied to children and the last 20 to school days and term time, I feel I have done my bit.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking a grandparent but the lady in question does not have a great relationship with her mother and the GM isn't that interested anyway.

I look after my niece one day a week soon to go up to 2 half day and would never dream of asking to be paid. I do it spend time with her, my DM has never asked for payment on the rare occasion she has looked after my own DC.

If I was your friend I'd be looking for another sitter or reducing work hours her DM obviously isn't keen on looking her her DG.

I think unpaid family childcare is a nightmare.

Their finances are precarious and need rethinking.

She is BU.

I think this grandma doesn't want to do it as is probably not a good bet from the child's pov.

In theory there is nothing wrong with her charging as not her job to do it. A business like footing is a good idea IMO. But other info provided suggests this is all a bad plan.

Nanny ogg thank you for reminding me what wonderful grandparents my dc have. I pity your grandchildren

Spiteful, much?

I have a wonderful relationship with my GC thank you very much. I see them lots and do my best to find one-to-one time with them as well.

I take one to nursery/playschool and to hear 'Nanny' shouted with absolute joy when I go to pick her up - well, words can't express...
I take another to a toddler group. We have a wonderful time.

So yes, my DGC need your pity.

"her and her mum have a volatile relationship"

this is the issue here.
she should not even think of asking the gm to care for her child on regular weekly basis it is only going to end in tears. she has to make another arrangement for that day. yes it will cost another 25£ but she ahs to consider the amount that is being paid into her pension NI etc. it is a short term cost.

Wow soontobesix what a mean thing to say to someone. Shame on you

Regular childcare is not 'spending time'. I think some people on here are confusing a loving grandparent relationship with providing childcare

The two aren't mutually incompatible. My grandparents took us home once a week from school, my mum takes my children home once a week- buys stuff for them, brings treats, that's one way in which they can feel truly involved in the children's lives is by caring for them themselves- without parents hovering around.

If you don't want to do this, or prefer the parents to be there, no issue, but I don't think it's odd to suggest that directly caring for, as opposed to just visiting, may enhance your relationship- our week long visit to gps in the holidays was lovely, and mine look forward to their similar visit to granny's house just as we did 35 years ago- without mum and dad there to spoil the fun!

If this isn't the norm in your family, it's no big deal, but I honestly don't know one person who pays their parents to look after the children. I don't know anyone whose parents have full-time or even significant care though- it tends to be helping out or holiday stays or cover.

I wouldn't in this case, as it's too disruptive, too many carers, lack of interest by gp and lack of cover if they are busy/ill. Much easier to find extra £25 and put them in nursery- and keep the gp relationship (such as it is) the same.

The friend has asked her mum, mum didn't offer. I think that makes a massive difference. IMO the difference between babysitting and child care is that DGM would not be able to miss a week without prior arrangement, and it suiting your friend. Your friend is asking for childcare and should pay for it.

Wow, I'm away for a day and I come back to 7 pages!

To answer a few questions -

• My friends mum is not anti-grandchildren, she's just not very maternal and interacting with children does not come naturally to her. She doesn't have a bad relationship with her grandson, just not as good a relationship as he does with his paternal grandmother
• The reason shes only sorted until now is because she wasn't going to return to work, she was gonna become a SAHM. However her DH's job is now at risk, and he is probably going to be taking a demotion, so she didn't have much choice. Luckily she didn't hand her notice in at work! Also her work will only allow her back 4 days per week, no less.
• She says they honestly can't afford the extra 200 a month it would be to send their DS to nursery on the 4th day. They can stretch to 100 to pay her DM, but extra 100 on top of that is a lot and I can't imagine a lot of people have it going spare (especially as they will likely take a drop in income soon).

She is now looking into nanny shares to see if they'd be any better off doing it that way (they've already put the nursery deposit down though so they can't pull out without losing out).

Reading this thread has been interesting, it's made me realise that there's possibly two types of grandparents - the ones who want to bask in retirement and see their gc leisurely and enjoy that time with them, and the ones who are happy to be an extended parent so to speak. I guess because my mum and MIL are both the latter (they don't provide childcare for us but would if we asked and have offered), as are pretty much all the GPs I know, I'm just used to that, as is my friend. I think both types are fair enough as well, neither is wrong or right, I can understand from both points of view and I guess my friends mum is just the latter.

Y friend is BU.

My SIL looked after DD two days a week and we paid her £25 a day, which was agreed between us. Wouldn't have thought about asking her to do it without pay.

However, the same SIL is now a GM and will be looking after her DGC for 3 full days a week for no pay, but that's her choice.

So the bottom line is you friend has a 125 per week budget to use for 3 days childcare. Or her or her DH could increase there income to pay 150 for 3 days nursery.

Most people in their 50s/60s who have been able to retire are very lucky. People in their 20s and 30s are likely to be working until about 75 anyway.
If I retired at 60 in good health and my ds had children I'd love to look after them. I can't imagine charging or saying 'been there, done that'. He will still be my ds and his children are a part of him.
This is one situation where I really cannot see the other side (financial difficulties or ill health aside).

How old are you now Cat, how old is your DS?

Early 30s. Ds is 5.
I know, I know - I'm not there yet. So how do I know how I'll feel? But that's the same as most on this thread I would think. And my friends with only very rare exceptions have grandparent help, regular, unpaid - and they like doing it. In many cases it's the only way my friends can afford to work.

It's a interesting thread. Lots of my friends with youngish DC are also caring for their parents.

People who have free childcare should be taxed more to provide subsidised childcare for those who don't only half joking

Spare a thought for those without GPs to help, or those whose GP won't help won't you... We HAVE to afford childcare, like it or not.

Opinionated Obviously not in the position of grandmother care and hopefully won't be for a while yet but if my brother and his wife wanted occasional babysitting from me so they could go to a movie, go to a doctor's appointment, interview etc, no problems. Would never ever consider charging them for it. If they wanted me to provide regular childcare so they could go to work without having to pay nursery/nanny fees (they will have 3 under four years old shortly), completely different story. Luckily they'd never ask as they are thoughtful people but I'd feel totally used if someone expected me to do it for free for their own financial benefit. I'd never agree to it though.

Totally a Western mindset to pay family to mind children. Absolutely shocked. Your friend is not at all BU. My family look after dd when we are at work for some of the time and would be very offended if I suggested paying them for it. It is their delight to babysit. In many cultures, extended family just look after each other's children. It's the norm.

Willow33 "totally a Western mindset" is not as far as I'm concerned an insult.

My dm had me at 16 and db at 19 and was a sahm. She then had another 2 at 30 and 32. Her first GC was born when she was 40 the same year she got her first job. She said she wouldn't be looking after any kids unless she wanted to or in emergencies. 5 GC later and she has stuck to it

I notice that the grandparents who are expected to work for nothing (and a full day per week childcare is definitely work, it's nothing like occasional babysitting, trips & treats, that is pleasure) are almost invariably women.

Just like the fact that daughters and DILs are expected to do hands-on care-work for elderly parents, while sons are not expected to more than a bit of shopping & lawn mowing in most cases, and SILs rarely do much at all.

It's all related to the fact that women's time & effort is not considered valuable, there is a mindset that they should do these tasks just for the love of it and it would be unnatural of them to not want to do it, or to want payment

Of course if anyone freely chooses, without expectations, to care for their grandchildren for free then that's great, just like it would be great if they volunteered their time at the National Trust or whatever.

I wonder if quite a few of the GPs mentioned upthread who love doing it, are actually being polite and are really a bit over it