Is my friends mum BU by expecting to be paid for babysitting her grandchild?

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Posting on behalf of a friend who doesn't 'do' the internet (total luddite)

She has an 11 month old son and is going back to work next month 4 days per week. Her and her DH can only afford 2 days a week at nursery for their DS, so the DHs parents are having him on the 3rd day (they work part-time and can accomodate this) and she has asked her mum to have him on the 4th day.

Her mum (who's 54) isn't retired but she is in a sense - i.e. she hasn't officially taken early retirement and released her pension, but she never intends to work again and is supported financially by her husband. My friends mum wants to be paid for the days she looks after her grandchild. 25 a day shes asking for (which is half the price of nursery). She says it's because her husband doesn't earn a lot and it will take her away from her domestic jobs (by that she means the chickens and geese they look after daily).

My friend and her DH earn good money, but not enough to budget for 4 days a week at nursery (which would be 200 per week). They can afford to pay the extra 25 a week, but my friend is feeling a bit indiginant about being charged by her own mum, who won't lose out financially from looking after her grandson.

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Who IBU here? My friend has told her mum she'll think about it.

Another one who thinks friend is unreasonable.

For not thinking through her child care to avoid passing DC around 3 different care providers a week.

For expecting her Mum to do a part time job for nothing when friend can afford to pay her but just doesn't want to.

For not planning her finances to be able to afford the amount of child are required, eg by taking less maternity leave.

For wanting to leave DC with a carer who isn't interested in him just because she hopes it will be free.

I wouldn't ask someone whom I didn't get on with and wasn't interested in my child to look after them tbh. Family childcare is often fraught with difficulties so a good relationship is a must.

But although often grandparents do childcare for free, it shouldn't be expected.

magpiegin
I think your friend is being unreasonable. It seems a lot of people expect their parents to sacrifice a lot of their time to provide free childcare. Why shouldn't she charge? She is giving up a whole day.

I think that's the crux. From the OP is sounds as if the mum has time but not much money. Imagine if it was the reverse and the mum had plenty of money but worked so using the same childcare costs:

"My friend's mum is loaded. My friend is going back to work but can't afford nursery fees for 4 days and has asked her mum to contribute £200 per month but her mum has said she will only contribute £100 even though she can afford more. Is her mum being unreasonable?"

I bet my arse it would be an overwhelming verdict of the mum NBU!

Why is her time so expendable?

See, I usually agree with the majority on these type of threads but I can't understand why people think it's reasonable for a grandparent to charge to look after their own grandchild. It's odd, unless the grandparent is destitute and their son/daughter wealthy. It's very unreasonable I think. They're family! Not just any family but it's their children's children!
I don't think that the responsibility of parenting ends when your children have their own kids tbh. As a grandparent I would expect to be included in things but I would also expect to help out. Whoever made the tribe comment was pretty spot on I think.
Each to their own but it's totally alien to me, and sad. Either she can't do it. In which case she says 'no'. Or she can do it. But don't charge your own child ffs!

This is one of those moments where I think MN is bonkers (or full of middle class, standoffish people who make appointments to see their family).

I think these days people are lucky to have grandchildren. If you can afford to you should look after your grandchildren free of charge. Especially if you profess to being invested in them. I'm basing this on the couple in question not being loaded so then I guess they should share the wealth.

My mother is everything I don't want to be as a grandparent (charging for her time and boasting to her friends of her devotion) and if I'm ever lucky enough to be blessed with grandchildren I will do what I can.

The grandmother obviously doesn't really want to look after the child. In which case I wouldn't want my mother looking after m child.

I know people whose parents look after their DC 10 hours a day 5 days a week, and wonder if they offer to pay them, but one day a week? A grandmother should consider it a pleasure, or not bother.

DM has charged me the few times she has babysat (not often) she even charged me the taxi fare and babysitting when dd2 was rushed to hospital by ambulance one night and she had to come over to watch other dcs.

Yanbu to think its unfair but at least its cheaper than nursery I suppose...

my mom went back to to work my nan took care of my sister overnight weekends you name it for free she was ill and her husband was retired early to look after her she still provided free childcare for her grandkids my other nan worked as a warden (oap warden) she checked on her clients via an intercom system in her house while she looked after us in an emergency they had the house as part of her wages and my grandad was a vicar neither one was rolling in money again it was free why encourage independence in your child if your going to charge them? who knows a few months from now she could find a job with more money and be able to afford her own childcare and the nan will never get to see her grandchild again on a regular basis

kids grow up fast you're supposed to cherish the moments not fight over the pennies (and you can look after chicken and geese with a child in tow my childminder did she was my aunt)

Cat2014
See, I usually agree with the majority on these type of threads but I can't understand why people think it's reasonable for a grandparent to charge to look after their own grandchild. It's odd, unless the grandparent is destitute and their son/daughter wealthy.

The OP says the mother is not drawing a pension yet and the mother's husband is not earning much.

I certainly think it's the friend who is being unreasonable not the mum... the friend should be OFFERING to pay rather than expecting it to be done for nothing.
A previous poster commented that the role of a mother never ends and a mum should be expected to look after her children's children. However, surely the role of a mother is not to be a doormat, it is to help one's child to be independent and stand on their own two feet. Relying on mummy and daddy to do the babysitting while you have the luxury of going out to work with no childcare worries is simply not living in the real world imo.
I have very strong feelings about this as I have four children and have never had any help from relatives (my parents both died when I was young and never even met my children) I am totally jealous of anyone who has a mum to look after their DCs and I think it is taking a complete liberty to EXPECT them to do it for nothing!!

Well I have minded my dgc at least twice a week, originally full days and then half and now after school with full days in the holidays for 7 years now. I am 70.
I would never take a penny and would be upset if it was offered as it is a delight and a privilege to share in the care of two wonderful boys.
Dd and dsil have us for meals, take us out and dsil is a plumber who does lots of work for us free.
But...if the grandparents won't do it free they probably don't want to do it at all and I don't see why they should.

I think it is very reasonable to pay the gran half the nursery rate if she does not earn much.

We pay granny full nursery rate for one day per week. DD gets granny's full attention and they are now great pals. MIL has very little spare cash so I think this is fair. Works well all around.

All of you grandmas that want to childmind for free - good luck to you! But I'm afraid that if my children were going to be better off than me by going to work, I'd be buggered if I'd mind for nothing.

I adore my DGC but I'm not beggaring myself for them.

The forgotten age group - the 50-59 year olds. No we started working earlier than most of you lot can even imagine - we were allowed to do evening and weekend jobs without any interference from 13 years old and we still went to school. We didn't live in cardboard boxes nor were we oblivious to the world around us. Sex Pistols? The Slits? The Stranglers? If it didn't come with a bunch of make-up , pumped up bodies and loads of money-marketing and auto-tune you wouldn't get it now would you?

You little girls with kids and careers and expectations that have even allowed the word 'entitled' to enter common usage know jack-shit. Maternity Leave with Pay? What is that? More than 2 weeks paid holiday? What is that? Men thinking it's ok to help a bit in the house? What is that? So, us in our 50s have to pace ourselves, coz you little girls still want even more from us. When we started we thought we'd be allowed a little rest at 60 and be able to help our families, volunteer, study, have a bit of life for ourselves - but no. We'll be allowed to do that when we're 66-67 maybe longer - if we haven't died from being knackered.

Fuck your nursery rates, what you think we're worth and what you think we should be doing with our time. Me angry? Oh yah, yep I am - not for me - but for the DMs out there who have to deal with the bunch of 20-30ish year old mothersfeckers who will never know how we fought to give you the chances to be both mothers and productive economic producers AND for you to be able to have a choice about it.

Nanny0gg
All of you grandmas that want to childmind for free - good luck to you! But I'm afraid that if my children were going to be better off than me by going to work, I'd be buggered if I'd mind for nothing.

I adore my DGC but I'm not beggaring myself for them.

Mum? Is that you?

IamRechargingthankYou

Fuck your nursery rates, what you think we're worth and what you think we should be doing with our time. Me angry? Oh yah, yep I am - not for me - but for the DMs out there who have to deal with the bunch of 20-30ish year old mothersfeckers who will never know how we fought to give you the chances to be both mothers and productive economic producers AND for you to be able to have a choice about it.

Ah no, there you are mum!

Iam - worthy of Irvine Welsh, that was!

And in that spirit: It's shite being over 50.

25? A week? Fine. That covers petrol, coffees, cakes, play group entrances or at least helps.

Or is she expecting dgm to not only give her time up but also fund everything?

Just saying that's all - having a rant - saying the unsayable and all. No, I'm not bitter and I'm not your mum (but would you want me to be?!). I do see what my peers are going through though. And much as I have no problem with apologizing if I'm wrong, I'm not sorry for saying what I have said - at all.

OP why is your friend pricing up expensive nurseries if she can't afford the fees for the days needed?

And before I leave this thread (as surely I must) to be likened to Irvine Welsh is just so freaking complementary my life is virtually complete - thanks Katie

I see exactly the opposite Iamrecharging out of my mum's friends, she has several who would have loved the opportunity to have grandchildren, but they perhaps are estranged from a child, their child died too young, the children often don't want children as about a third of professional women now don't have children and so on. They are absolutely desperate to get the opportunity to mind the grandchildren. There are far more of these than ones moaning about having to look after the grandchildren.

This is a MN thing, out of my three closest friends, all the grandparents love to have the children, stay over, buy them clothes and so on. They don't all do full on childcare as they don't live close- but are happy to do babysitting duty at the drop of a hat when on their holidays. I know several families where the mum comes on holiday with them, or the mum takes the children so the parents can have a break.

God- even I babysit for my friends, take their kids for the day, let them come over for hours.

I do have a couple of friends whose parents aren't interested, but in general they aren't interested all over- no childcare, few visits, can't be bothered to come for school plays, won't travel and so on. Their relationships have deteriorated a bit, I have a good friend who is now leaving her home country precisely for this reason- she would have felt the pull to stay, but the polite once a month visit isn't enough to make her live there- they can do that from abroad now.

Tbh, if money is not a necessity to the grandmother, I think she is bu.

My mum used to have my eldest for two days a week, from ten months old. My mum doesn't work, so it wasn't impacting her financially, and she is fairly comfortable financially herself. We have a decent household income and could have easily afforded a cm or nursery, but I asked my mum in case she wanted to have ds1 at all on a regular basis.

She absolutely jumped at the chance and was delighted to have him for 2 days a week. I provided meals for him - I would send him with a packed lunch (sandwiches etc) and then a cooked dinner which my mum could heat in the microwave, so that she could focus on him without having to prepare or cook food. If she took him anywhere like softplay, I always insisted on paying the cost so that she was never out of pocket.

However, had she asked for money to mind him two days a week, I think I would have found that pretty hard to get over tbh. He's her grandchild. If she wants to mind him (and there was no pressure at all) then great. Fill your boots, spend two days a week with him, great all round. If you don't want to mind him then don't. Also fine, there are plenty of other options.

But over my dead body would I have paid her to spend those days with her gc. If that was her attitude towards him (that she would only have him for money) then I wouldn't want her to be looking after him anyway, even if she was only asking for a tenner a day.