Is my friends mum BU by expecting to be paid for babysitting her grandchild?

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Posting on behalf of a friend who doesn't 'do' the internet (total luddite)

She has an 11 month old son and is going back to work next month 4 days per week. Her and her DH can only afford 2 days a week at nursery for their DS, so the DHs parents are having him on the 3rd day (they work part-time and can accomodate this) and she has asked her mum to have him on the 4th day.

Her mum (who's 54) isn't retired but she is in a sense - i.e. she hasn't officially taken early retirement and released her pension, but she never intends to work again and is supported financially by her husband. My friends mum wants to be paid for the days she looks after her grandchild. 25 a day shes asking for (which is half the price of nursery). She says it's because her husband doesn't earn a lot and it will take her away from her domestic jobs (by that she means the chickens and geese they look after daily).

My friend and her DH earn good money, but not enough to budget for 4 days a week at nursery (which would be 200 per week). They can afford to pay the extra 25 a week, but my friend is feeling a bit indiginant about being charged by her own mum, who won't lose out financially from looking after her grandson.

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Who IBU here? My friend has told her mum she'll think about it.

Your friend is BU especially as her DM and DS don't seem to have much of a relationship anyway.

Why would your friend want her DS in the care of someone who isn't interested in him and who has other work with looking after her animals? For the sake of £25 a week which she can afford?

Your friend is BU. But I think she's being even more unreasonable to inflict a carer on her child who has no interest in them!

What about the cost of actually looking after him? Taking him out, feeding, extra electricity being used etc.

I wouldn't pay my mum to look after my children one day a week, any more than I pay her partner to help me weed the garden, bring over plants, help out with painting, or indeed my gran would pay her to go round and bring her dinners when she's ill. I wouldn't expect payment for anything and they don't either. It's just not how my family operates.

The looking after animals is a complete red herring, she wouldn't be giving up paid work to care for the child for one day (which would be a good argument for payment).

I don't think mixing money and relative issues is a good idea if there is already tension anyway, I would get some proper childcare.

It actually used to be law that a grandparent couldn't charge for childcare services given to their own GC- which led to GC being cared for by childminders and not their own GP, as the GP couldn't afford to do it (maybe giving up part-time paid work for do it)

I think £25 a day is cheap.

I think it would BU to charge for "babysitting" on an occasional basis but this is regular childcare. Your friend's mum is not BU to expect to be compensated for her time. It will interfere with her other activities and any holidays etc. Why does your friend feel entitled to free childcare, especially when she doesn't get on with her mum?

IMO you don't charge to look after family members . Even friends . My friends dh works away so I have her dd a lot during school holidays . I would never ever ever even so much as consider asking for money .

My parents mil FIL dsis and sil all look after my DCs when dh and I work . None of them would ever expect a penny .

Unless the mum was specifically giving up paid work to look after the DGC and needed compensating financially , then money should never be brought into it .

I used to pay my DM (a very reduced rate) to look after the DC while I was working. I can't see the problem. As I paid, then DM never took a day off without checking with me first. It worked well on all sides.

I think your friend IBU to expect her mother to childmind, not babysit, every week for no payment.

I think your friend has badly planned her dd and is expecting family to pick up the pieces.

I think £25 is a song and I would bite my mums hand off! Also I think paying this amount puts the Childcare on a more even footing and will be beneficial for everyone.

I'm firmly in the "You shouldn't ask to be paid to spend time with your Grandchild" camp.

Also if your friend and her DH about both good earners they they will be able to pay for nursery care - most working parents have to make the necessary adjustments to cover this. I'm guessing they CAN cover it but they would prefer FREE.

I would pay a nursery for all the days and ask the GM if she would be their emergency childcare should it be needed.

How long would this arrangement be in place for? A whole day every week for the foreseeable future seems like a lot more than 'babysitting' to me, it seems like a part-time job in itself and your friends DM will lose 1 day a week.

It may not be usual for GPs to ask for payment but in this situation I don't think it is unreasonable.

Sorry but I think anyone who expects free child care from family is a bit cheeky. GPS have had and brought up their children and now should get to pick and choose the fun elements they want.... I think it's a very big ask to have them commit to a regular schedule of care.....and children are hard work

I am that the GM would charge for looking after her GC. However, regular minding is a big commitment and I think your friend has not really thought out the financial implications of having a child.

From the rest of your post, I don't think I would want her to look after the GC anyway.

Also, you say they are 'well paid' but 4 days a week at nursery would be £200 and they cannot afford that. So are paying for 2 days, which is £100 I assume?

You then say they can afford the £25 the GM wants but would prefer not to.

Surely if they can afford £125 a week they can stretch to £150 and get the nursery to do the 3rd day instead of the GM?

Obviously there is a cultural difference here that I was not aware of.

I can't envision a scenario where my mum would ask money for this.

childcare is off the charts in this country. it's odd to expect family to help? Who else is going to help?

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Why is this woman leaving a baby with someone who doesn't really want to know.

i think she is putting money above her child. the only one to suffer here will be that child. she needs to pay for the childcare in a professional setting.

what about a potential nanny share?

Perhaps the friend's mum really doesn't want to do regular childcare, and is hoping that by charging for it, the friend will change her mind? Either way, if the relationship between them isn't good, and the mum hasn't had much of a relationship with her GC so far, asking her to provide regular childcare probably isn't a good idea.

If they can afford a small contribution towards costs, perhaps they could consider asking PIL to do two days instead of one?

Your friend sounds a little strange. She has a volatile relationship with her mum, her mum isn't that interested in the baby and she somehow thought that her mum would willing agree to do childcare?!

I know parents that pay their parents £300 a month for (school age) child care. This means that the DC parents never feel as if they are asking too much to ring up and say, can you pick DC1 up and then run DC2 to such and such.

But these are GP that are involved and happy to help out, for nothing really, but the money makes everyone feel better about the arrangement.

Perhaps the friend's mum really doesn't want to do regular childcare, and is hoping that by charging for it, the friend will change her mind?

that's an odd way of conveying that message. Simply saying that she doesn't feel like she can do it would suffice.

Your friend is being very very unreasonable.

I think your friend should bite the bullet and get a proper childminder.

If she has a volatile relationship already there maybe little stability in the future and tbh I wouldn't send cold to a relative that has shown no interest before.

This is the reason I have not gone ahead with mil looking after dd while I'm in work.

You can't pay someone to be interested in their grandchild, and as the grandmother isn't interested why on Earth would the mum want her DS in her company every week?
Best she leave her mum out of her childcare problems.

writtenguarantee
I can't envision a scenario where my mum would ask money for this.

Whereas I can't imagine asking my mum to give up a full day every week to look after my child. I'm of the opinion if you have the children then you need to be sure you can afford the necessary childcare because it is a massive assumption to assume your parents will do it for free, whether they work or not. It's very nice if parents offer to do it for free but anyone relying on or assuming this is a little cheeky to say the least.

LongTimeLurking

Also, you say they are 'well paid' but 4 days a week at nursery would be 200 and they cannot afford that. So are paying for 2 days, which is 100 I assume? You then say they can afford the 25 the GM wants but would prefer not to. Surely if they can afford 125 a week they can stretch to 150 and get the nursery to do the 3rd day instead of the GM?

I thought this.