Is my friends mum BU by expecting to be paid for babysitting her grandchild?

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Posting on behalf of a friend who doesn't 'do' the internet (total luddite)

She has an 11 month old son and is going back to work next month 4 days per week. Her and her DH can only afford 2 days a week at nursery for their DS, so the DHs parents are having him on the 3rd day (they work part-time and can accomodate this) and she has asked her mum to have him on the 4th day.

Her mum (who's 54) isn't retired but she is in a sense - i.e. she hasn't officially taken early retirement and released her pension, but she never intends to work again and is supported financially by her husband. My friends mum wants to be paid for the days she looks after her grandchild. 25 a day shes asking for (which is half the price of nursery). She says it's because her husband doesn't earn a lot and it will take her away from her domestic jobs (by that she means the chickens and geese they look after daily).

My friend and her DH earn good money, but not enough to budget for 4 days a week at nursery (which would be 200 per week). They can afford to pay the extra 25 a week, but my friend is feeling a bit indiginant about being charged by her own mum, who won't lose out financially from looking after her grandson.

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Who IBU here? My friend has told her mum she'll think about it.

A childminder may be cheaper than the nursery, and if so, the OP may be able to cover 3 days child minder costs for similar costs to 2 days at nusery and 1 day with GM. It depends on where you live though.

We have a young grandchild and love looking after him, but we don't want to be committed to a specific day every week; in my case it might mean turning down paid work at the last minute if I was committed to a certain day.

In reality we almost always look after the child on the same day each week, often more, but it is not a business arrangement and we are always asked if we can do it. I wouldn't dream of taking any money for doing so; it's an absolute pleasure.

It would depend on finances for me, if I was skint I would hate to have a child all day with no money, a baby maybe but not a toddler. I have never charged family but always offer money when favours are done especially if they are broke. I know my mum would never of charged me but I would of given her money for doing it.

What difference does it make to your friend if a load of randoms on the internet say her mother should or shouldn't be paid for childcare?

She has to come to an arrangement with her mother about whether or not her mother will do it, and how much she will be paid.

This thread has told you that some people do pay family members and others don't. Useful?

God, my mum or mil would never dream of charging me for child care. I've never asked them to commit to a regular weekly amount of childcare, but I am gob smacked that people think this is normal.

My sister had regular childcare from my mum because they were struggling financially & my mum helped out. Surely this is what family is for? To support each other? Help out? I certainly spent plenty of time with my grandparents as a child & I loved it.

If I didn't work & I was as young as the ops grandmother is, I would want to help out.

By the time my kids have kids, I'll be a right old fart & probably incapable of looking after kids though....

When I have GC I will enjoy looking after them for free.

I think in order to charge for looking after a child in your own home though, you have to be a registered child minder. If the mum is coming to her home, that is different and classed as babysitting.

Which is it?

Family members do often help each other out and it's nice when they want to, but do people have the right to demand that their parents become their childcare? I don't think they do. Helping out is one thing, mum my babysitter has let me down is there any way you can help me out on friday... but regular childcare week in week out is another. It's a big committment for someone to make, particularly when they have raised their children to adulthood and have moved to a different time in their own lives, to then find that they are expected to move right back to childcare? Is that fair?

but tbh, it doesn't matter what any of us think. Because your friend has no choice but to accept her mum's conditions if she wants her to do childcare. She can hardly say ok mum, I consulted the internet and they say you ought to do it for free. That won't have any influence on what actually happens.

her mum has said if you want me to look after your child for you - pay me.

Your friend's choices are pay her mum or find someone else and pay them.

It would be nice if her mum wanted to and was able to help, but if she doesn't, then nobody can make her. She has the right to make that choice.

In an ideal world she'd do it for free, however - will your friend and her DH be better off than her mum from working?

And why should GPs, however much they love their DGC, be expected to give up a regular time every week for a long time - years? - for nothing? They should have thought out finances first.

And if she's not interested, it's a cheek to ask.

Your friend is BU. Lots of people don't have family childcare free, cheap or otherwise available and have to use nurseries etc. Her mum is entitled to do what she wants. Yes lots of parents do get free childcare from GPs but many don't.

If they are both on good wages then maybe they need to look at their spending elsewhere so they can afford to pay for childcare.

My sister paid my mum £20 a day about 6 years ago, it made it more of a business arrangement which has many benefits. I really wish I had the same option and would grab it with both hands.

My mother asked me to pay her to mind my DD2 when I went back to work. I hadn't asked my mother to take her. My DD2 went to nursery where she had professional look after her. My mother is grabby though.

I think it's a reasnable amount to charge - It does cost money to have a child all day, from food to outings etc - Why should she be out of pocket to do your friend a favour?

If it was ad hoc babysitting a grandchild than I would be shocked to pay but a regular, unmoving child care arrangement to allow someone to work is a totally different thing. I pay my in laws to feed, pick up and drop off my kids. It is a bind for them to do it, costs them additional fuel and food and it allows me to work - they consider the obligation before they look at holidays, days out etc. So I pay them. Your mate sounds a bit of a brat to be honest, the whole 'I'll think about it' rather than being grateful that her Mum considered what was being asked, put her cards on the table and offered a workable compromise. Course she wants free child care, who wouldn't! Doesn't mean that everyone else should just fall in line with that wish.

If a grandparent is so disinterested in the child that they want paying for spending time with them there is no way I'd be wanting them to have them whilst I was at work.

Rubbish for your friend that her mother is utterly unwilling to support her but there's not much she can do about it sadly.

Your friend should be more concerned about the fact the grandmother is just not interested in her grandson. She should not be leaving him with anyone that is not interested in him.

With regard to the money, my mother would never dream of asking and nor would I if I ever have grandchildren but we don't know their financial situation.

My mum was ny child minder for two years. I wouldn't have dreamed of not paying her

if money is an issue, that's one thing. but otherwise i disagree with pretty much everyone here. it's of course her right to ask for money, but that doesn't sound family-like to me.

I think it's a reasnable amount to charge - It does cost money to have a child all day, from food to outings etc - Why should she be out of pocket to do your friend a favour?

because it's her grandchild?

I think her mum is being fair. It's not baby sitting like once a month it's a whole day every week!!

Firstly it's not babysitting, it's childcare.

Secondly it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, if her mum will only do it for x amount of money your friend has to decide whether that's acceptable to her or not. What other people do is irrelevant. Yes, free willing childcare from grandparents is lovely (I expect) but no one is entitled to it.

Thirdly "her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often" why would she want to leave her DS with her mum in these circumstances anyway?

Also, the mum expecting to be paid is no worse than the daughter expecting her to do it for free. Why is it ok one way around but not the other?

I'm a little at the "when I have grandchildren I will be delighted to care for them for free" comments. I remember saying when I had kids they wouldn't have dummies or watch tv. Oh how lovely it was when I was thinking of my hypothetical children rather than dealing with my actual children

Maybe your friend should read a couple of these articles to get some perspective:

www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2683997/How-2million-grandparents-sacrificing-work-help-childcare-One-seven-quite-changed-hours.html?ITO=1490&ns_mchannel=rss&ns_campaign=1490

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/mar/22/grandparents-asked-to-be-childminders

www.parentdish.co.uk/family/should-you-pay-grandparents-to-childmind/

I think childminding is totally different from babysitting occasionally. Will the GM be feeding the child, taking him to activities like swimming, toddler groups, soft play etc which require payment for entrance ? At the very least she should be reimbursed expenses so she's not out of pocket. It's different if she wants to take him out at the weekend for a treat but it doesn't sound like she's very close to him anyway.

Maybe GM doesn't like being financially dependent on her DH and this is a way for her to get some money of her own ?

I don't pay my mum for minding mine one day a week after school but there's no commitment, if she's off on holiday or has an appointment or just didn't feel like coming, I would put them in after-school club. It was harder when they were little and would need care, but I could take a day off work if they were ill.

I think being flexible and not taking anyone for granted is key if this is going to work.

I think the point about three different sets of carers (four inc parents) is a good one, I would think this would be quite disruptive and could lead to issues, say at the toddler stage.

Your friend is being unreasonable.

Regular childcare like that is a big ask, and her Mum is free to spend her leisure time as she wishes. It's not unreasonable for her to expect to be compensated for giving up a day every week.

As for not being able to afford 3 days in nursery, I don't understand. Why didn't she only work 3 days then? Did they not factor in the cost of childcare before they decided to have a baby? If their wages are less than the cost of childcare she'll need to work fewer days. Our they'll need to reduce their outgoings on other things to make ends meet.

They can't just expect everyone else to pick up the slack to facilitate their lifestyle.

I think your friend is being unreasonable. It seems a lot of people expect their parents to sacrifice a lot of their time to provide free childcare. Why shouldn't she charge? She is giving up a whole day.

Your friend is being unreasonable.

Money aside, why on earth would she leave her ds with someone who doesn't want to look after him?

All the people saying famy shouldn't pay for this, are spectacularly missing the point- friend and her mum don't get on and she doesn't want to spend time with her Gs. So, if you do, great, but that's completely irrelevant.