Is my friends mum BU by expecting to be paid for babysitting her grandchild?

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Posting on behalf of a friend who doesn't 'do' the internet (total luddite)

She has an 11 month old son and is going back to work next month 4 days per week. Her and her DH can only afford 2 days a week at nursery for their DS, so the DHs parents are having him on the 3rd day (they work part-time and can accomodate this) and she has asked her mum to have him on the 4th day.

Her mum (who's 54) isn't retired but she is in a sense - i.e. she hasn't officially taken early retirement and released her pension, but she never intends to work again and is supported financially by her husband. My friends mum wants to be paid for the days she looks after her grandchild. 25 a day shes asking for (which is half the price of nursery). She says it's because her husband doesn't earn a lot and it will take her away from her domestic jobs (by that she means the chickens and geese they look after daily).

My friend and her DH earn good money, but not enough to budget for 4 days a week at nursery (which would be 200 per week). They can afford to pay the extra 25 a week, but my friend is feeling a bit indiginant about being charged by her own mum, who won't lose out financially from looking after her grandson.

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Who IBU here? My friend has told her mum she'll think about it.

Mmmm you choose to have kids so that's your business and not really anyone else's place to look after them. Even your mums.

My older sons arnt married and my dds are teens and

course if there was an emergency ( and we had gc) me and dh would step up and obviously would love to see/spend time with future grandchildren.

However we would not routinely childmind them.

Whisper!!' Been there, done that, we are off to enjoy ourselves kids!

'Why should I offer to pay my mum for asking her if she wants to spend time with her grandchild?

Do you really think that childminding your GC one or more days a week, when you are in your 50s, 60s or even 70s, equates to 'spending time' with your grandchildren?

Really?

Sounds like a job (however much you love them) to me. It is not the same as bringing up your own children (which you've already done, btw).

Agreed Nanny.

Your friend is bvu.

The gm does not sound as if she wants to do the childcare. So if she agrees to with some money to compensate then your friend should be grateful. It would be a sacrifice for the gm. Not every gp wants to commit to childcare on an ongoing basis as it does restrict your life and so I can understand how she might want some money to compensate, particularly if they are not financially well off.

If your friend does not want to pay a reduced amount to the gm she needs to pay full price to the nursery and she should be gracious about accepting the gms decision and not hold it against the gm.

Is your friend you op?

'Dear Cathy and Claire my best friend has a rash, what should she do?'

I don't want to do it. IF my kids have kids I'd be happy with the odd day here and there. Odd weekend away etc but NOT a regular job like arrangement.
I want to enjoy my Grannyhood(if it happens) of over excitement and far too many sweeties....

Yeah, parents aren't free nannies. But, I wouldn't be sending my child to a family member that only wants to see them when they're being paid to do so. If she were involved in other ways and asking for money, I'd say pay her no problem. But she has made it clear she doesn't have an interest in him.

You're better off sending DS to nursery for 3 days, with people who are paid to look after him. More importantly, family and money don't mix well. There's a chance that she'll want her cake and eat it too where she won't listen to your parenting decisions but still expect to be paid.

Save yourself the headache. Eat budget meals and pay the extra 50 a week.

Nanny ogg thank you for reminding me what wonderful grandparents my dc have. I pity your grandchildren.

I agree with everything Nanny0gg said. My parents made it clear before we had children that they would not become our childcare as they 'have had their children and it's time for them to relax now' . Now Gc are here, they often offer to have them for a few days in the Hols even when my cm is available (I.e because they want to spend time with them, not because they feel obliged) BUT they openly admit that it tires them out and takes them a few days to recover afterwards, afterall they are getting older and get exhausted. Regularly looking after Gc for a whole day is a real commitment and hard work - dealing with tantrums,discipline, keeping a crawling baby safe, settling them to sleep etc etc, it's no-where near the same as 'spending time with them'.

I don't think it's fair to assume GP will look after your children regularly, she should be glad they are willing to do it, they could have said No. She is BU. BTW - She may also need to be prepared that IL's may ask for the same if they know mum is being paid.

I think the charging is a relation of the lack of interest her mother has in taking care of her grandson. I think youth friend is bu to expect someone to look after her child who doesn't want to.
I do know of someone who gives her parents some cash for activities on the day they look after her children so they can go out on outings, trains buses and entry fees etc.

iamrecharging great post!

OP, this doesn't need to get all messy with emotions and shit, it's a practical thing. My mum does childcare for DNs for my brother and doesn't get paid, the reason for this is that she works part-time but still earns more working part time than my brother does full time. (He's a lone parent as well). If the roles were reversed and my mum was broke, of course he would pay her.

Asking a person with no dosh to not only commit to long term child care but also fund things like soft play, icecreams etc is ridiculous. Let's face it no matter how much you enjoy your job you don't expect that you go into work and the boss goes "Ah, I see that you are having a good time. So we're going to stop paying you and from now on all your expenses come out of your own pocket". Loving your GC doesn't make bills disappear.

Quite a number of parents do seem to be shocked by the fact that someone outside of formal childcare (grandparent, other family member, friend, school mum) would want to be paid , or not want to provide regular free care of their children for the sheer joy of spending some quality time with the little darlings :) It's lovely if someone offers but just a bad idea to try and guilt some who doesn't into it.

Your friend is BU. As they earn "good money" they should redistribute the family finances and pay for more nursery. Good childcare should be one of their priorities, not an afterthought. What did they plan before she got pregnant? They are extremely lucky to have her DH parents helping out for free every week.

I give my parents 20 a week for picking Dc's up from school twice per week and taking them one morning. It's something I insist on doing as it would cost me a lot more if I used a childcare service.

Sorry, have come to this late so others may have said this but it winds me up that some have said of the friend 'SHE should have thought about this before having children' and 'SHE should give up work' - it's the old assumption that childcare is solely the mother's responsibility and the woman should always be the one to give up work. There are two parents involved here!!

I'm only saying that as we have been asked for her point of view on this occasion, not his and not theirs.

"But, I wouldn't be sending my child to a family member that only wants to see them when they're being paid to do so."

That would appear to be so in this case.

However if GM wanted paying to CM, I can't see a problem with that tbh.

Soontobesix I don't think nanny ogg's gc need your pity.

Presumably wonderful gps are a synonym for
" grandparents provide free childcare "

I think there is a feeling that the woman has an easy life, not working with nothing to do bar housework and therefore could easily spend one day a week with a dgc. She is not old enough to draw her pension so not someone
In their 70s. I think I would agree with this feeling!
Let just the GP who wants to do the minding, the other one may regret her decision when she sees the closer relationship they have.

soontobesix - Nanny ogg thank you for reminding me what wonderful grandparents my dc have. I pity your grandchildren.

You are soon to be six? Six dc? Or 4? either way, do your parents help out every week with your dc? Un paid? For 4/6 children? Unpaid???

So, when your 4/6 dc have children, I assume you will be happy to give up one day a week to look after each of their dc? Unpaid? I hope that they all pick the same day, otherwise that is a large part of your week taken up, UNPAID, looking after your gc.

Don't pity Nannys gc - she has it spot on.

"it's the old assumption that childcare is solely the mother's responsibility and the woman should always be the one to give up work. "

Isn't the assumption that childcare is the GPs responsibility?

Harold I was quoting from earlier post, not ref to yours.

Regular childcare is not 'spending time'. I think some people on here are confusing a loving grandparent relationship with providing childcare.