Is my friends mum BU by expecting to be paid for babysitting her grandchild?

[IsChippyMintonExDirectory]

Posting on behalf of a friend who doesn't 'do' the internet (total luddite)

She has an 11 month old son and is going back to work next month 4 days per week. Her and her DH can only afford 2 days a week at nursery for their DS, so the DHs parents are having him on the 3rd day (they work part-time and can accomodate this) and she has asked her mum to have him on the 4th day.

Her mum (who's 54) isn't retired but she is in a sense - i.e. she hasn't officially taken early retirement and released her pension, but she never intends to work again and is supported financially by her husband. My friends mum wants to be paid for the days she looks after her grandchild. 25 a day shes asking for (which is half the price of nursery). She says it's because her husband doesn't earn a lot and it will take her away from her domestic jobs (by that she means the chickens and geese they look after daily).

My friend and her DH earn good money, but not enough to budget for 4 days a week at nursery (which would be 200 per week). They can afford to pay the extra 25 a week, but my friend is feeling a bit indiginant about being charged by her own mum, who won't lose out financially from looking after her grandson.

her and her mum have a volatile relationship and she hasn't been particularly interested in her grandson, she does see him but not very often (my friend has to take him to her mums to make this happen).

Who IBU here? My friend has told her mum she'll think about it.

I think the whole point is that grandmas shouldn't have to ASK for the money, it should be offered to them as a matter of course and they should have the option to accept or refuse... That way there is no cause for offence on either side imo.

£25 isn't bad

My FIL charge £175 a week for after school pickups x 2.

At least I know where I stand with childcare with them!

Thenapoleonofcrime

I adore my DGC. I see them all the time. I buy them clothes (because I want to). I will babysit. I don't have to 'earn' all that by childminding them.

Why does that mean that I should have them, week in, week out for nothing, when I have been working for the last 40 years and am still working (very) part time anyway? I have done my very best for my children, and if that includes setting them on the path to a good salary, when can I stop subsidising it?

Well said IamRechargingthankYou - that sums up my life, except I was lucky to find a man that did as much around the home as I did/do.

I guess the grandmother doesn't really want to do it, so I wouldn't let the baby go there. If they don't have the best relationship, it's really not a good idea to rely on her for regular childcare. A childminder wouldn't be much more than this - an option?

Agree with Violethare.

But over my dead body would I have paid her to spend those days with her gc. If that was her attitude towards him (that she would only have him for money) then I wouldn't want her to be looking after him anyway, even if she was only asking for a tenner a day.

And if you hadn't thought that you should have offered to pay (so that you could go out and earn your 'decent household income') then I would have preferred to see your children on a purely social basis.

The plan for me (if my ivf works) is for my mum to provide a few days childcare, we will pay her, not sure how much but enough for it to be worth her not having a part time job to top up her pension, she will retire I think when/if it happens and our cash will top up her pension

By the way she does need the money she isn't well off, so she could work part time or she could get paid for childcare for me, suits us both

I can't imagine what sort of grandmother would charge to look after her grandchild... That is tight.

However. Nice for your friend that she has two sets of people able to look after her child for free.

Spare a thought for the rest of us who do not have that option, and HAVE to front up £€$£€$ for childcare, like it or not.

No sympathy, sorry.

I think your friend is being completely unreasonable.

@Iam

wow. generational warfare here we come! I think young people would like to save up for a house THEY WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO AFFORD, but that's just what I see.

But over my dead body would I have paid her to spend those days with her gc. If that was her attitude towards him (that she would only have him for money) then I wouldn't want her to be looking after him anyway, even if she was only asking for a tenner a day

And if you hadn't thought that you should have offered to pay (so that you could go out and earn your 'decent household income') then I would have preferred to see your children on a purely social basis

Why should I offer to pay my mum for asking her if she wants to spend time with her grandchild? I didn't ask her to childmind for me to 'do me a favour'...I asked her if it was something she wanted to do. If she didn't want to do it, and preferred to only see him on a 'social' or ad hoc basis, that would have been fine

Tbh it sounds like the grandmother does not actually want to be a regular babysitter (you mention how she hasn't reall bonded with grandchild). Asking for mone is probably a way of putting her dd off. In that situation I would use a nursery for the day, or work one less day a week.

I'm just loving the howls of outrage on here from all of you who think grandparents = automatic free child care.

I'd never really understood the accusation of "entitled" before but my goodness, I get it now.

She should look into tax credits if applicable, any help her work can give her, childcare vouchers, paying for 3 days care instead of 2 so that her mother does not care for her child.

www.childcarevouchers.co.uk/Pages/Default.aspx

www.gov.uk/childcare-vouchers-better-off-calculator

www.gov.uk/help-with-childcare-costs/childcare-tax-credits

If you can't afford childcare then don't have children.
Easy.

MsVenus
She should look into tax credits if applicable, any help her work can give her, childcare vouchers, paying for 3 days care instead of 2 so that her mother does not care for her child.

She doesn't sound that organised MsVenus - baby is 11 months old and she is going back to work next month. This should have been sorted ages ago.

The OP doesn't seem to have been back...

I have always thought it unreasonable for families to have a grandparent or other family member care for a child and not to pay them. Putting any legalities to one side, they are doing work which can be very full on. An evening's babysitting when the LO is asleep and you're watching TV is one thing but being responsible for full care from early in the morning to evening is tiring and should be recompensed. Let alone any extra food, heating etc. I think £25 is a bargain. Her relationship with her mum to one side, she should jump at the offer and then pay her DHs parents the same.

My late MIL looked after my DS1 one day a week when I covered an extra day at work when a colleague was on ML. Once I dropped that day she still took him on that day because she loved having him. She would take him all over and buy all kinds of things for him. She would also have him if he were too ill to go to nursery enabling me to still go to work. It never occurred to me to pay her and she was happy to help whenever she could, despite not being in the best of health herself. I can't understand the "you must pay even if they are GPs" camp. What happened to family?!

So your friend and her mum have a volatile relationship and the GM isn't bothered about her child?

Your friend shouldn't give two hoots whether GM wanted money or not, instead she should be questioning whether the GM does any childcare at all.

I've been in your friends situation and I was charged for childcare by my Mother. Biggest regret of my life leaving my vulnerable young DCs with her. DS2 still suffers from the effects. Not saying your friends Mother is like the malicious woman I know but I would advise her to seriously consider whether SHE wants the GM to do childcare not what other people want.

Don't let her be swayed by people who say she has to do it as its the only option she can afford. It really isn't. What does her instinct say? Listening to her instinct will help ensure she makes the right choice for her and her child.

We quite often get threads by SAHMs complaining about the fact their partners don't, (after commuting and working full time) do their fair share of child care because after all as SAHMs they've been working so hard looking after children all day.

Apparently childcare stops being work and is just a joy and a pleasure once it is handed over to an unpaid relative.

Well said phaedra

My friend is going back to work next month and her mother, who is in her mid 60's (and not in the best health) will be providing childcare for her 10 month old baby for 3 days a week.

My friend expects her mom to do this purely because she is the Grandparent.

Her mom isn't the sort of lady to say no because she knows if she doesn't do it then my friend is screwed really and I think my friend is taking advantage of this.

It's so unfair on the Grandma.

I'd be hurt too if my parents had wanted me to pay them for occasionally looking after the DC but I do think committing to regular childcare on a weekly basis is a totally different ballgame. It means that her mum can't just go on a holiday if she feels like it, meet up with friends etc. If that is grandma's one day a week off to do her chores, I can see why she'd really rather not do it or at least get a little cash in hand. The OP said she hasn't officially retired yet which indicates she is still working on at least a part-time basis.

Sorry but in this case, from all you've said, I think it is the friend who is being unreasonable.

It's a tricky one.

It does sound like your friend is being a bit unreasonable here, she can't afford childcare and so her mum might be feeling put on, especially as they have a volatile relationship.

I think that you should only use grandparents if they are really up for it, not force them into it by not affording the childcare?