Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want my niece to have Mum's wedding ring?

134 replies

RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 15:57

I've namechanged for this, not that I think any of my family are on here but you never know

We lost our Mum 2 years ago, and I know 2 years might seem a long time but it's still very, very raw Sad and I don't know if that's clouding my judgement

My eldest niece is getting married in a couple of years and her Mum (my sister) said at the weekend that she's thinking of asking our Dad if she can have Mum's wedding ring. Mum left all of her jewellery to my sister and I jointly and we shared everything else out but couldn't decide who should get that so we left it on Mum's bed and it's been there ever since

My sister said she's told her daughter that she can't see a problem with her having it "because it'll go to her eventually anyway" (not sure why she thinks that, probably because I'm child free) but I don't like the idea and I don't really know why

No idea what I expect anyone to say, perhaps tell me I'm being daft

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 07/07/2014 16:01

You need to have a good think about why you don't like the idea.

Morally, I think you have the right of veto, and if you don't want your neice to get something that 50% belongs to you then she shouldn't have it, but as it's likely to cause problems with your relationship with your sister I think it would be worth taking time to really think about it and try to unpick your feelings. It will be easier to have the conversation if you can say why rather than just no.

I'm sorry for your loss.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/07/2014 16:01

Could you get it melted down and the gold incorporated into 3 rings - one each for you and your sister, and one for your niece? I have to say that I do see why your sister thinks it is a nice idea for her dd to have her grandmother's wedding ring - it does sound lovely - but ifmyounare not happy about the idea, then there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way - we all grieve at different rates, and you have every right to do this at a pace that is right for,you.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/07/2014 16:01

I can totally see why you're feeling upset about this.

I've no advice really, as I can see it from your sisters perspective too.

Has your niece actually expressed an interest in wearing your late mothers ring or is this something that your sister has thought would be nice? To see your mums ring being worn again?

Vintagejazz · 07/07/2014 16:02

I think it's lovely that her ring will be passed on to her eldest granddaughter and kept in the family like that. It's a lovely tribute to your mother, really.

littlewoollypervert · 07/07/2014 16:02

What about another ring? Would you feel it was a better share/split if she had the wedding ring and you had another ring or piece of jewelery that you feel is linked to your mum?

magimedi · 07/07/2014 16:03

If you are likely to remain child free I think you are being a tiny bit daft - but it's totally understandable. Two years is not long to have lost your mother for & the grief is probably still raw.

But, how nice would it be for the wedding ring to carry on? My Dad gave me his mother's wedding ring when I got married - it's lovely to think of it still being in the family.

Morethanalittlebitconfused · 07/07/2014 16:04

I would have it melted down into something personal for each of you

Realistically the only 3 people who are entitled to it are the 3 of you, in my mind your potential children won't have known their nan so don't feature in it.

Sorry

sleepyhead · 07/07/2014 16:04

Also, if you don't want your niece to have the ring then have you any idea what you would like to happen to it?

My great grandmother had her wedding ring cut in half so that my grandmother could have half as her wedding ring (war years and no gold available). Is the ring wide enough for something like this? I can understand that you'd rather just not think about it at all though as it's so painful.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 07/07/2014 16:05

Would your mum like her grand-daughter to have it on her wedding day?

Is the ring to your niece's taste? It may be a non-issue.

Is your Dad ready to give up his wife's wedding ring / see it worn by someone else.

workhouse · 07/07/2014 16:05

No you're not daft at all. The ring has immense emotional value to you, it was left to you jointly. You must say no if you feel it's not sitting right with you, I wouldn't be happy with it either.
Perhaps it's time that you looked after it.

pleasestophidingskinnygirl · 07/07/2014 16:05

I would feel the exact same as you and I definitely think that melting it down into three rings is a lovely idea. Or else into two and then your sister could give her one to her daughter.
I too am very sorry for your loss.

PosingInManilla · 07/07/2014 16:06

I can see why your sister thinks the ring will go to her daughter if you don't have children, but I also think YANBU to not be ok with this, even if you can't quite define why. At the time you shared your mum's jewellery out, you couldn't decide what to do with the ring. I actually think this might be the decision being made for you and might be quite a nice thing to do. After all it can't go to both of you can it so I suppose this is quite a nice way of it being used. Completely get why you're a bit Hmm.

Not exactly the same but my mum said an unspecified family heirloom which I don't want to out me would be going to my nieces as I have boys. My dad pointed out that my boys could have daughters within my mum's lifetime so she should be careful saying definite statements like that personally not arsed as it is pretty ugly although i get the whole nice to hand down thing

BarbarianMum · 07/07/2014 16:08

My MiL has a little box of wedding rings - from her mum, her gran and various aunts. It is kind of sad seeing them shut in a drawer unused (she had sons and they have had sons. I wear my gran's ring so didn't need one).

I get that it's raw but what would you like to happen to it? What would your mum have wanted?

Ultimately there isn't a right answer so I wouldn't call you unreasonable, would just urge you to think carefully about it.

phantomnamechanger · 07/07/2014 16:08

was the niece close to her GM - was she left anything? My MIL has recently bought herself another ring so she has enough to leave one each to her D, 2DILs and 3GDs

if she was left nothing, I think it would have been nice of you sisters to gift her something to remember her GM by. If she is the only grandchild, I can see why passing the ring down the generations makes sense, and if they were close its a way of her GM being involved in the wedding. if she has a brother, why should he not get to have the ring when he marries?

Then again, maybe the B&G see this as a way of doing their dream wedding a bit cheaper? (cynical moi? :))

a proper sit down talk with you 2 sisters and poss your dad is needed. Not all 3 women as they will gang up on you and make you seem YABU even if its them that are BU

FederationPresidentBarryFife · 07/07/2014 16:08

When my Grandma was alive she showed me her engagement ring and said - this is for you, when I die. I want you to have it. She mentioned it a few times in fact - and we all shushed her, along the lines of "that's ages away we hope!" etc etc
When she died my mum and her sister went through her things and my aunt, who is childless too, couldn't part with the ring. She wore the ring, at first, for comfort at the funeral but then just couldn't give it up. I completely understood - I bet your niece would too. I think be honest about how you feel. When I got married we couldn't afford a wedding ring so we used my Grandma's with my aunt's blessing, but only as a prop (as I want one of my very own). Wedding rings are very emotive - you see them on their finger always, its a very potent reminder. I think YANBU at all.

JamNan · 07/07/2014 16:11

My mum had her wedding rings (married twice) melted down and made into a ring each for my sister and me. I think that's a nice idea. If you later have a DD (or DIL) you can pass it on if you wish.

YANBU though.

10000Fireflies · 07/07/2014 16:15

I am very sorry for your loss. I am also very sorry that your sister is being so presumptuous about you being ok about it. Basically, that it's ok for you to give up on your mother's ring because you are child free. Who's to say you will remain that way?

I'm sure you can find a nice way out of this though. I like the idea of melting the ring and having it re-made. You and your sis can have half each and decide the rest independently.

Generally siblings can be such arses with regard to inheritances. I have seen some dreadful things in my family, so I totally understand why you're upset. I still find it hard to believe my aunt behaved the way she did with my Granny's possessions, and that was in 1995.

Good luck! Whatever you do, try and find a solution and deal with it in a way so that you and future generations don't fall out over this.

PosingInManilla · 07/07/2014 16:16

I'm probably the only one who doesn't think melting it down then - but them I'm a miserable bugger! I just think melted down, it loses something - don't know what, I just think I'd rather the full ring be kept in tact even if it didn't come to me.

SallyMcgally · 07/07/2014 16:17

My DM and her sister did nothing but bicker constantly about how my DGM's jewellery was divided out. It is a horrible legacy, and does no credit to any of them. Maybe think about what your DM would have wanted? If you think that she would have given her blessing to her granddaughter wearing it on her wedding day, then that might soothe your hurt a bit (though I do think that your sister has handled this badly. She should have asked you) Otherwise the idea about melting it down and making two rings is a lovely one. Whatever you decide though, try to make your peace with it, because it really isn't worth family battlegrounds over a piece of jewellery. My mother couldn't go to her sister's funeral because she was so bitter about it all (my DGM died 35 years ago ffs). I have no pleasure whatsoever in seeing any of the jewellery. I wish it had never been around. And if I have to hear again about how my aunt stole the Cloissone bloody vases that my mother should have got I'll go bloody mad. Sorry to rant on your thread.

MissDuke · 07/07/2014 16:18

As an outsider looking in, I think it would be lovely for your niece to have it. However yanbu if you cannot cope with that, it is easier for an outsider to comment. I hope you can find a solution you are all happy with.

AMumInScotland · 07/07/2014 16:20

I think it probably feels worse that your sister is kind of 'sneaking' her way into getting the one piece of jewellery that the two of you could not agree on at the time.

You were left half each, and the rest you were ok about splitting between you. But this one thing, you weren't, so it remained at your dad's house.

Now your sister says she's going to ask him for it. As if it was his choice to make, and had nothing to do with you.

I'd be pissed off if my sister did something like that - it's up to you if you want your niece to have it, it's not something for your sister to go and wheedle out of dad.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:20

Wow so many quick replies, I do appreciate your input in this because I really am genuinely confused. Thank you for your sympathy too, it really is still very raw Sad

To answer a few questions:

It isn't big enough to melt down, it's quite dainty
It was my niece's idea
Would I take another ring and let her have it? I have got one of Mum's rings - and quite a bit of other stuff too, Mum had quite a bit of jewellery
I am definitely going to stay child free
What do I want to happen to it? I honestly don't know...someone said I probably don't want to think about and I think that's spot on Sad
What would Mum want to happen to it? Very good question, I will have a think about that and if I think that she'd want her to have it then there's my answer
My niece was very close to my Mum, there are 10 grandchildren but I'd say she was the closest
Was my niece left anything? She was there when me and her Mum shared Mum's jewellery out and she got quite a bit

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/07/2014 16:20

Why is your sister 'thinking of asking your dad' if the ring was left jointly to you and her? - or have I misunderstood, and she's asking your dad if he will mind seeing it used as a wedding ring again BEFORE asking you for your permission?

Personally I think YANBU, and though your sister isn't in the wrong for having this thought, I do think it's insensitive. Two years is not long. Your dad may well feel that he can't say no, especially as the ring isn't 'his', but have some very difficult feelings about seeing it on someone else's wedding finger. And you clearly don't want this to happen.

I think you should say no. I think rather than affect your sister/neice's feelings about you, it's more likely to affect your feelings about them - and for something which doesn't have to be done. You and your sister couldn't decide who should have the ring. Now she's come up with a way in which her side of the family do have that ring. That isn't fair. It's ok for you to not want to go along with that.

There IS however a way to make it fair and I think instead that that's what you should offer as an alternative. Have the ring split into three - a third each, and have three rings made of your choosing - you, sister, and neice. Perhaps you could have a line of your mum's ring set within a silver or other coloured gold band. This way, your neice could also get to choose the design of her own wedding ring.

Suggest that instead and tell your sister 'I'm sorry but I don't think either of our different sides of the family should have to see mum's wedding ring go completely elsewhere. Let's be more innovative and make sure we all have a piece of it for our own heirlooms and memories.'

Alisvolatpropiis · 07/07/2014 16:23

How soon does your sister expect you to decide?

Are you likely to ever use the ring yourself?

It is difficult. I think I would struggle if I were in your shoes.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/07/2014 16:23

Oh x-posts.

To respond:

  • if you melt down and make three new rings with a 'slice' of your mum's in each (or two, if your sister wants to do it that way - one for you, one for her daughter) - then there IS enough metal;
  • if it's your neice who suggested it, I would absolutely say no way! - I think that's astonishingly insensitive. Would you honestly ever ask if you could HAVE the wedding ring of your grandmother which actually belongs partly to your aunt? Wow.
  • she's one of TEN grandchildren? Another reason why not. Really not. That's pretty hurtful for the others.

Melt down the ring into two, your sister has half to do with what she wants.

Swipe left for the next trending thread