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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want my niece to have Mum's wedding ring?

134 replies

RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 15:57

I've namechanged for this, not that I think any of my family are on here but you never know

We lost our Mum 2 years ago, and I know 2 years might seem a long time but it's still very, very raw Sad and I don't know if that's clouding my judgement

My eldest niece is getting married in a couple of years and her Mum (my sister) said at the weekend that she's thinking of asking our Dad if she can have Mum's wedding ring. Mum left all of her jewellery to my sister and I jointly and we shared everything else out but couldn't decide who should get that so we left it on Mum's bed and it's been there ever since

My sister said she's told her daughter that she can't see a problem with her having it "because it'll go to her eventually anyway" (not sure why she thinks that, probably because I'm child free) but I don't like the idea and I don't really know why

No idea what I expect anyone to say, perhaps tell me I'm being daft

OP posts:
FyreFly · 07/07/2014 18:40

I was given my grandmother's engagement ring BY my grandmother, she's still living today, some years ago after my grandad died. She didn't want to keep it anymore and didn't want the reminder. I was over with my mum to visit and do some re-decorating for her and she pressed it into my hand. I don't wear it but I do keep it safe for if she ever wants it back. After we lost grandad she melted down their wedding rings and made small forget-me-not rings for all the female grandchildren with them, so the engagement ring was the only "significant" one left.

My mum has three brothers and one sister, and I have 6 female cousins and 4 male ones. There are also four (three female) great-grandchildren now.The fact she insisted I take it (I don't know why me specifically either) has been a bone of some contention with some members of the family over the years. I don't know what to do for best to be honest. I'll never sell it; that's all I know.

To the OP, I would say speak to your dad about it and have a good think about what your mum would want, and go from there. Things like this are always so, so tricky. I hope you can work it all out Thanks

Cocolepew · 07/07/2014 18:45

I think its a lovely idea, especially as your DN was close to your DM. But I can see why you are torn. I believe jewellery should be worn and loved.

I was already married when my Gran died but I wear her wedding ring along side my other rings, it really means, a lot to me.

Sorry for your loss.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 07/07/2014 18:50

I think as your DMs closest grandchild, theres noone more suited to having the ring than your neice.

Your sister and you arent able to share it as you wish to keep it whole.

Your neice clearly treasures it and was closest of all the Gcs.

PhaedraIsMyName · 07/07/2014 18:52

I think you're being unreasonable. You don't have and have no intention of having children so it seems mean tbh.

I agree with whoever said melting it down is not a nice idea. To me that's what you do with jewellery which has a gold value but no intrinsic sentimental or aesthetic value.

If your father is ok with this it really is a bit dog in the manger not to let your niece have it.

lainiekazan · 07/07/2014 18:59

No good can come from arguing about possessions. I know this all too well. As it is a sentimental piece rather than something of great monetary value I think it behoves you to be the better person, smile and graciously agree that it would be lovely for your niece to have the ring.

Really, the last thing your mum would want is for her family to fall out.

stiffstink · 07/07/2014 19:02

If you and your sister can't agree on who has the ring, imagine what it would be like to have to sell it.

Would you want to sell it to a stranger and split the money or give it outright to your niece?

missymayhemsmum · 07/07/2014 19:08

The only person who can decide what feels right here is your father. The wedding ring is a symbol of their marriage after all. He may feel that passing it on to their eldest granddaughter is what she would have wanted, he may not.
It may depend what he thinks of his future grandson-in-law!

OvertiredandConfused · 07/07/2014 19:09

I am the niece who had the wedding ring. My grandmother had four boys who gave her eight grandchildren, seven are girls. I am the oldest and was the first to get married and I did get married with her ring. We were very close, although I was only 12 when she died. It was 15 years before I got married. My uncles were all okay with me having it, although I know they did find it a bit hard at the time.

You do need to feel comfortable with what happens. But do think carefully about the alternatives. What will happen to the ring if your niece doesn't use it? Do you want to wear it?

I got married with two rings - my own and my grandmother's. I wear hers on my right hand. I feel very strongly that I have part of her with me and it's a tangible part of her living on and sharing my life. I know her sons all appreciate that I feel that way.

Not sure if any of that helps. Good luck with your decision.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 19:31

ThinkI'veBeenHacked has a very valid point Smile

Those who are asking what Dad thinks, I'm certain he will say it's up to me and my sister as we own the ring and I certainly don't think he'll mind my niece having it

Whoever it was who asked why I don't like the idea...I can't answer that, sorry. I just can't come up with a reason

However...thanks to some extremely helpful suggestions/ideas/questions on this thread I'm now leaning towards agreeing to her having it

Why?

Question: what do you want to happen to it?
I don't have an answer to this as such but what I do know is that Mum hated waste of any kind and I'm sure she wouldn't like it to just sit gathering dust

Question: If you owned it outright, who would you Will it to?
I have to say it would be 'this' niece, simply because she was closest to her Gran

Question: What would your Mum want?
I honestly hadn't thought about this (why??) but now that I have I do think that Mum would agree to this if we could ask her. Like ThinkI'veBeenHacked said, as her closest grandchild she is probably the ideal person to have it

I will of course give it lots more thought though

Thank you so much everyone, I really do appreciate you all taking the time to help with this Thanks

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 07/07/2014 19:33

If you have a couple of years before your niece is likely to be getting married, can't you say you need more time to think and that it's too raw right now? She doesn't need the ring right now.

choccyp1g · 07/07/2014 19:45

Something posted upthread gave me the idea that DN could get married USING the ring, but have a different ring to keep and wear.

VioletBrogues · 07/07/2014 19:47

I must say Ringornoring you do sound like a very considerate, well-considered person.

I think you'll make the right decision given a little time and space.

I know that's not much help is it?

choccyp1g · 07/07/2014 19:48

Something posted upthread gave me the idea that DN could get married USING the ring, but have a different ring to keep and wear.

choccyp1g · 07/07/2014 19:48

Something posted upthread gave me the idea that DN could get married USING the ring, but have a different ring to keep and wear.

choccyp1g · 07/07/2014 19:50

Oh sorry about multiple posts, it wasn't that good an idea.

choccyp1g · 07/07/2014 19:51

Oh sorry about multiple posts, it wasn't that good an idea.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 19:55

LOL choccyp1g

VoiletBrogues that's very kind, thank you Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 19:57

OwlCapone if the subject comes up again in the next week or so I might just say that, she definitely won't be getting married yet

OP posts:
happylittlevegemites · 07/07/2014 20:08

I have my granny's wedding ring as my wedding ring. I'm the oldest of 11 grandchildren and we had a special relationship, so it has sentimentL value to me. As well as my engagement ring, I also wear a diamond ring that belonged to my other granny on the same finger. To me it's sort of a trilogy of my family, my mum's and my dad's.

I guess it wasn't too much of an issue for my other cousins. Mum and my aunt divided up granny's jewellery, and mum "got" the wedding ring. It sounds similar to your mother's - it's quite a fine band.

inlectorecumbit · 07/07/2014 20:19

I had a kind of "adopted" gran when l was younger- a lady who had no children of her own but looked on me as her GD. She was so excited when l was getting married but sadly died 2 months before the day. I was given her wedding ring but wear it on my Right hand, it's never been off 30 years later.
It makes me feel close to her somehow !!
Perhaps it will make your niece feel as if her gran will be with her on her big day and the rest of her life.

StanleyLambchop · 07/07/2014 21:54

My sister was my GM favoured Granddaughter, mainly because she was the eldest. She got her wedding ring- no one even asked my younger sister or me if we wanted it. That still hurts today, 30+ years later. I think you need to be careful not to hurt the other grand children with this- maybe they would have liked to have been closer but circumstances got in the way.

QuintessentiallyQS · 07/07/2014 22:00

Dh and I have his grandparents' wedding rings.

He was the eldest of the grandchildren, and the first to get married, so his grandparents really wanted us to wear their wedding rings, and pass them down. There was also a small matching child's ring with a stone, for the first great grandchild.

I think it is a nice sentiment. Generations follow generations, and symbolizes the eternity of the family line.

QuintessentiallyQS · 07/07/2014 22:01

The question is though, will her future husband want to present her with her dead grandmothers ring on their wedding day, and what ring will he be wearing?

victrixludorem · 07/07/2014 22:10

Perhaps it is because I am a younger DD myself, and have seen so much go to my DSis as she is "the oldest" or to my DBro as he is "the boy", but I worry about the other grand daughters. This favourite niece already has a lot of your DM's jewellery (and will probably get more in time, from your DSis) whereas they have only "trinkets". For this favoured niece then to get this last piece of jewellery, and one that is half yours to boot, seems a little unfair. Anyway, I agree it should be decided amicably as that is def the priority.

Itsjustmeagain · 07/07/2014 22:11

when my grandmother died I was 19 she left my sister and I all of her jewellery (my mum died when I was young). I went to pick it up from her house and my uncle was there (her last surviving child) and he was really upset, my cousin eventually told me it was because he was upset about the wedding ring she had been wearing when she died because he had just packed it in a box for me. I was Confused because I wouldnt want to take something that meant to much to him!
I am betting your niece would feel the same if you decide it is too hard then just tell her outright it will probably be easier than you think.

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