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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want my niece to have Mum's wedding ring?

134 replies

RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 15:57

I've namechanged for this, not that I think any of my family are on here but you never know

We lost our Mum 2 years ago, and I know 2 years might seem a long time but it's still very, very raw Sad and I don't know if that's clouding my judgement

My eldest niece is getting married in a couple of years and her Mum (my sister) said at the weekend that she's thinking of asking our Dad if she can have Mum's wedding ring. Mum left all of her jewellery to my sister and I jointly and we shared everything else out but couldn't decide who should get that so we left it on Mum's bed and it's been there ever since

My sister said she's told her daughter that she can't see a problem with her having it "because it'll go to her eventually anyway" (not sure why she thinks that, probably because I'm child free) but I don't like the idea and I don't really know why

No idea what I expect anyone to say, perhaps tell me I'm being daft

OP posts:
Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:24

AMumInScotland yes I do think you have something there, although to be fair my sister did say to her daughter that they'd have to speak to me about it as well as Dad

I'll definitely have a think about what Mum would have thought about this, why didn't I think of that?? See that's why I asked on here, I knew someone would be able to help Smile

OP posts:
MaxPepsi · 07/07/2014 16:25

Is it just the wedding ring that was left, or all of the jewellery?

Are you married yourself?

I'm one of 4 but the only girl and always presumed my mum's wedding ring would come to me. It's going to my youngest brother apparently as he asked for it as a little boy.

When I first found this out I was quite hurt, but I was single then. I am now married and have my own rings and it no longer bothers me who gets it, so long as it one of us.

Do you want the ring for yourself or is it that you don't want anyone to have it?
DOes the idea of making it into something else appeal?

Your sister really can't over ride you if it's 50/50

Hope you get it sorted.

TSSDNCOP · 07/07/2014 16:25

If your parents had a strong, happy marriage then I think it's a lovely thing to see the ring being passed on to a granddaughter.

Do you have plans to marry yourself OP and perhaps subconsciously thought about using the ring? Or maybe you have doubts about your DN's own engagement?

I agree with a PP that a 3-way discussion with your Dad also present is a good idea, but you need to really consider your motives and objections beforehand.

I think the 2 years part is a red herring, I imagine it can still feel like yesterday since you lost DM. I'm sorry for your loss and pain x

ChickenFajitasAndNachos · 07/07/2014 16:25

It doesn't seem to fair to me, to you or the other grandchildren.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/07/2014 16:26

Just noticed your last sentence - hey, I'm liking your neice less and less.

Perhaps suggest she takes the metal from one of the pieces of Granny's jewellery she already has and makes a wedding ring from it?

But - say no to her having the ring. I think you would regret it.

StanleyLambchop · 07/07/2014 16:26

Were your DM and DN close? I only ask because in your shoes I would worry about what would happen to the ring afterwards? What if DN splits with her husband, would she be likely to sell/give the ring away as a bad reminder? Therefore it would be lost out of the family.

I think you all need to talk to each other and be honest about your feelings.

Shockers · 07/07/2014 16:27

I'm wondering if, deep down you're thinking that if your niece's marriage were to break down in the future, the ring's memory would be tainted.

I only wonder this because of similar feelings I had when my Grandmother died. It was the ring that she had worn all her happy, married life.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 07/07/2014 16:32

No No and No, you are not being unreasonable.

I lost my mum 4 years ago - if my dad were to give her ring to my niece (if I had one) I would be gutted, same as I would be gutted if it were to be melted down.

If the ring is by the bed I suggest you pay a little visit and take it back before it ends up on your nieces finger.

Do not let her have the ring.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:34

More answers to questions:

How soon does she want an answer? It's not at all pressing, the wedding won't happen for ages yet
Do I want it for myself? No not at all, I'm very happily married, don't know what I'd have done without my DH when Mum died
It was all of Mum's jewellery that she left to me and my sister, not just the ring. The rest was divided without problems - with some going to my niece which was fine by me. Mum and my niece were very close to be fair and now I've been asked the question as to what Mum would have wanted I can't help thinking she might have quite liked this idea...
I have no doubts about my niece's relationship - they are both lovely people and she would never let the ring go anywhere if the marriage were to fail

Gosh this is so difficult...

OP posts:
TweedleDi · 07/07/2014 16:34

If it was your ring completely, who would you leave it to in your will? If your niece was close to your mum, then it would be a generous thing to give your okay. However. I also think that a new marriage should have a new ring...

MaxPepsi · 07/07/2014 16:34

She's already got some of her grandmothers jewellery and she's asked for the last very emotive piece that she knew you couldn't decide upon?

I'm sorry, I think she's being incredibly selfish and rude.

You mentioned 10 grandkids so I presume you have other siblings - brothers? What do they think?

Ruebarb · 07/07/2014 16:35

my dsis and I shared my mum's rings - I chose the engagement ring and she had the wedding ring. I have one dd, she has no children so when it was sorted out - my db was executor - no children there either - it was agreed that my dsis would bequeath that after our deaths both rings passed onto my dd so as to keep them in the family. Seemed sensible to make long term provision for the rings - if not they would just 'gather dust'. Both rings are worn not hidden away for a future date.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:36

TweedleDi another very good question - who would I leave it to if it was mine? Something else for me to think about, thank you for that - may well help me to decide

OP posts:
Crinkle77 · 07/07/2014 16:38

Surely it is better that someone else gets joy from it rather than it being stuck in a box never to see the light of day again?

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:39

MaxPepsi blimey another good question - there's been no mention from anyone - me included Blush - about what any of our brothers think...

OP posts:
BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/07/2014 16:39

MaxPepsi, I agree. I think the fact that she's asked for it is grabby - it taints it completely. If OP were to have thought of this herself and offered it, completely different, and a lovely way to pass the ring down. Asking you to give it to her - and the sister making the comment about asking dad - nasty taste in mouth.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:40

Crinkle77 yes another very good point

OP posts:
EarthWindFire · 07/07/2014 16:42

You have to think about what is going to happen to it in the future. If both you and your sister would like it then the only way to resolve it is to melt it down and split it.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/07/2014 16:43

OP, do any of your brothers have daughters, and did they get any of your mum's jewellery as keepsakes - or just your neice?

It could be quite an emotive issue for them too - especially if your eldest neice was already seen as 'the closest'.

Having thought more, I honestly think the most appropriate response is to suggest that your neice adapts one of the pieces she already has. It simply isn't fair on other grandchildren.

Would there have been a reason why your mum didn't choose herself to bequeath any jewellery directly to the grandchildren? Did they have other bequests instead? Were these equal?

sashh · 07/07/2014 16:47

When one of my grandmothers dies she left all her grandchildren a small amount of money.

I had a ring made with her birthstone in it using this money, so although she never saw it I am quite sentimental about it.

I know you probably don't want to see it cut up but it could be cut in to a number of pieces so that you and your sister and all the grandchildren get a piece, or just cut in half for you and your sister.

A ring that is half your mothers and half gold, even another colour of gold would look good, be unusual if you wanted to have a ring made for yourself and let your sis do what she wants with her half of the ring.

sashh · 07/07/2014 16:47

died not dies

SquigglySquid · 07/07/2014 16:49

When my aunt got married, her grandma's ring was stripped of all the diamonds. Those diamonds were put in her wedding ring, and each other the smaller ones was placed in a ring for each of the bridesmaids (who were all family). Could you take some of the diamonds/stones and put them in a new separate ring/necklass for you and your sister? Then it's in your sister's court whether she gives her ring to her daughter or not.

Also, there's a chance that the niece is asking for the ring because it holds sentimental value to her since she was so close to her grandmother. Not because she's trying to swipe an expensive piece of jewelry from a dead lady.

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:50

BrunoBrookes our brothers have all got daughters, my sister and I did send them all a keepsake. Two of them didn't know Mum though (long story) and the other two weren't anywhere near as close to her as 'this' niece. Mum simply said that my sister and I were to share her jewellery, that was all

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 07/07/2014 16:51

Does your sister just have one child? Then your brothers have nine? Are any of the other nine grandchildren female? (not that that actually matters, boys count too, but I can see that if all nine of the other grandchildren are boys, it would be easier for them to be accidentally overlooked in the jewelry division).

If there is even one other female grandchild and you and your sister overlooked her, while dividing the jewelry between you two and your sister's daughter, then maybe that grandchild should have the wedding ring.

What did your brothers inherit?

Original poster
RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 16:53

SquigglySquid I have no doubt that you are spot on about my niece's intentions - she really is a lovely person and she was very close to her Gran. There are no diamonds or stones, it's just a very small and dainty gold ring

I don't like the idea of it being cut up or melted down, don't know why

OP posts: