...to not want my niece to have Mum's wedding ring?

[RingOrNoRing]

I've namechanged for this, not that I think any of my family are on here but you never know

We lost our Mum 2 years ago, and I know 2 years might seem a long time but it's still very, very raw and I don't know if that's clouding my judgement

My eldest niece is getting married in a couple of years and her Mum (my sister) said at the weekend that she's thinking of asking our Dad if she can have Mum's wedding ring. Mum left all of her jewellery to my sister and I jointly and we shared everything else out but couldn't decide who should get that so we left it on Mum's bed and it's been there ever since

My sister said she's told her daughter that she can't see a problem with her having it "because it'll go to her eventually anyway" (not sure why she thinks that, probably because I'm child free) but I don't like the idea and I don't really know why

No idea what I expect anyone to say, perhaps tell me I'm being daft

Oh, cross post. So ten granddaughters?

No, I don't think your sister's daughter should have the wedding ring.

How do you know that your mum didn't promise your niece her ring? Maybe your niece wants it as she talked with her nan about someday getting married, nan said and you can have my ring, etc.

That your niece asked - I would assume there had been conversations between her and her grandmother about it before, rather than her being grabby.

Unless it's some 10 carat diamond, your niece probably wants it for sentimental reasons. Her grandmother didn't live to see her wed, but a small piece of her will be part of her day...

Sorry, just to clarify there are grandsons as well as granddaughters, we didn't send any of the boys any of Mum's jewellery. My sister has boys too

PintOfWine Mum definitely didn't do that, she was very clear that my sister and I were to share her jewellery between us

On my elder cousins wedding day I meet her and her new husband on the train to London that evening. She showed me her wedding ring and said it had been our grandmothers. I could have been jealous as I am the next grand daughter in line.
However, I felt such a tremendous feeling of warmth my grandparents had had a long and very lose marriage through some really though times. I felt that this 'special' ring had gone to an excellent home and it looked right on my cousin's finger. It was the first big family event after Granny had died and it felt like she had been there too, because of the ring. I know it would have made Granny happy.

It's tough.

I'm sure she does want it for sentimental reasons! - she was clearly the closest, and tbh wedding bands aren't exactly priceless items. But people can be just as grabby for sentimental as for monetary reasons, which is what I meant - she really wants it, but to overlook the fact that she may be her grandmother, but it's your mother's - it seems crass.

What I would have honestly expected your sister to say to her when she first brought it up is 'I'm sorry DD, I don't think that's a very good idea. Me and Auntie X couldn't even decide between us who should take the wedding ring, I think it's far too much to ask and would be upsetting for Grandad and Auntie X - who it half belongs to.'

I honestly don't know. If you don't want it melted down, then that's just as difficult an option.

Will it actually fit her?

Without her having to alter it?

I actually fully support your niece. She's obviously thought long and hard about this and come to the conclusion that it would mean a lot to her to have a little piece of your mother / her grandmother. Particularly given how difficult it was splitting the jewellery up - she must have been very brave to raise this idea, and so it obviously means a lot. Not just that she is grabby.

My mother married using my great-grandmother's ring. It's a lovely tradition.

I know how hard it can be to lose someone so close to you, but try think about it as a little piece of your darling mother and her marriage being carried on by the younger generation so she'll never be forgotten - and if you niece has children, then the ring and the memories will be passed on to them through the ring. I never met my great-grandmother but heard all about how special she was from my mother.

though

If the ring is by the bed I suggest you pay a little visit and take it back before it ends up on your nieces finger.

Except it isn't the OPs ring to take, only half of it is.

I think the key is what would your mum have wanted to see happen to it? Would she have wanted it to sit on her bedside table gathering dust or put on someone's finger on a happy day?

What else would be done with it? You don't want to split it or melt it down so you cant share it with your sister. Would you see it more often if it were on your niece's finger? You could look on it as being a way for your mother to be at the wedding and to be part of your niece's married life.

I imagine that any decision is going to be very emotional.

Ring - My mum died in June. SIL brought up the subject tentatively (Sp??)about mum's wedding rings. She seemed surprised I did not want them. I already knew as did SIL that mum had said the jewellry was to go to my neice when old enough to appreciate it all. She asked me again as did my brother. I have no children to give it to anyway and my porky fingers won't fit the rings. I said it was fine for them to have mum's rings (maybe for use when either neice or nephew get married?) and can certainly have the other jewellery. I do not feel sentimental like that. The things I would like are not really practical for me as I normally live in one cramped room. I would like one of her tea sets and my SIL said she would store it for me. It is no point wanting the pictures (of mum and Dad etc) upon the walls because I cannot put pictures up where I am.

However I have dibs on mum's IPOD as they all have them. Plus probably her bedding as they were given Grandma's. The only one's circling like vultures are my other brother's family (well, the wife). That is what I hate.

It doesn't really sound as if you are completely comfortable with this and, given that you sister's DD already got "quite a bit" while the rest of the granddaughters each got "a keepsake". I think you should probably say 'no'.

Certainly, if both you and your sister really want your sister's DD to have the ring, and all your brothers are completely okay with that, then yes, you should give it if that's what you all want.

However, you don't sound sure, added to which there would be other people to consider if it were given, so I think you should say 'no' ... at least for the time being and possibly always. It could stay with your dad, meantime.

Two things occur to me.
One, it is lovely that your niece wants to honour your mother in this way, but she won't have lost out ... she already has some of the jewelery and her future husband will give her a wonderful ring at their wedding.
The other, as the only one of your mother's children that doesn't have a daughter, perhaps you should be the one to have the ring, maybe even one day wear it.

A difficult decision OP but agree with PosingInManilla. If you melt down a ring it just becomes a lump of metal.

I have two of my DM's rings and no children. If one of my nieces want one of the rings they will have to wait until I die.

I think a lot of people are over thinking this and seeing bad intentions where there are none. I also think the other grandchildren are a red herring. For starters, the ring was left to the op and her sister, so they have no claim to it. Secondly, if they were not close to their grandmother, it would not have the same sentimental value.
I think it's lovely that the ring can be passed on and cherished by someone else. Better than gathering dust indefinitely.
Op, I sympathise with this tough decision and can appreciate that I may be torn in a similar situation. Good luck with the decision.

What my mother did with her grandmas is melt it and made 2 small hoops that sit on a chain round her and my aunts neck. When she dies we will melt her ring with the small hoop and divide between my sister and myself.

I think the idea to think about what you will want to happen to the ring after you are gone & then decide is a good one. I have my gran's engagement ring which I wear on my right hand. I have no daughters, just 2 sons. I have decided that gran's ring will go to my firstborn granddaughter (if I have one, married DS1 indicates he doesn't want children) OR to a special niece who would be the only one to appreciate it's sentimental value (she wore it during her wedding on her right hand as her 'something borrowed' to bring her luck).

My SiL has my Nan's engagement ring and her Nan's wedding ring. Mum asked me before she gave my Nan's ring to my brother (Nan was still alive when I got married) I think it's lovely that they are both worn daily and loved. I wear my aunt's engagement ring on my right hand (I was her only niece and she had no children). Jewellery should be worn IMO

Hello OP.

I am very sorry for the loss of your mum.

Just a thought about rings. They have no end. They are continuous and go on and on passed from one to another.
As you say, they were close and to have the ring at the wedding will be very poignant as I am sure your niece would have loved her gran to be there. This way gran still plays a major part in her grand daughters wedding day and the ring continues to do it's job by going on and never ending.

I have no doubt you will make the right decision.

Sorry that made more sense in my head

I disagree that a melted ring becomes a lump of metal. When my father dies, my mother had his wedding ring melted down so she could wear it on the little finger of her left hand (she continued to wear her wedding ring on her ring finger left hand). Whenever I saw it, I thought about Dad and it being his ring.

You do lose a fair bit of the gold during the process, though, so if you melted a dainty ring down, there wouldn't be an awful lot left.

I'd be careful to take time and make sure you're happy with your decision and 2 years is no time at all

Do you know what your Dad feels about it, op?

Why do you not like the idea?

I ask because I have a wedding ring, made from DH's grandma's wedding ring. She died before I met DH. Officially it was in the possession of DH's mum - though I guess her brother, DH's uncle, could have made a claim for it.

The ring was meted down and the gold used to make my own wedding ring - my something old. I couldn't wear it as it was as it was far too small.

I thought it was a lovely gesture, as did everyone else in their family too. DH's grandad was really happy with the idea.

i don't really like the idea of inheriting jewellery and never wearing it.... so i wear a necklace and bracelet from my gma but i gave a ruby ring to Oxfam as i did not wear it in several years.

i would rather some good came from my inheritance and the ring did not stay in a draw until i die.

I don't like the melting it down/chopping it up. I don't see it as being at all romantic/lovely. As far as I can see that's a way of spoiling it for everyone. Kind of cutting off your nose to spite your face. If I can't have it, no one will enjoy it.

If you couldn't agree on who got it, I wonder if your dsis is behind this as a way to basically get it for her family?

I saw a similar situation with 2nd cousins. Grandad dead, and the grandmother offered his wedding ring to one getting married. They responded by saying they didn't like the ring, but they'd take it and melt it down. I thought it was really selfish-there were 6 more grandchildren to get married, and they were all similar ages, plus two of them were clearly going to get engaged shortly. One of whom was really close to her grandmother and spent a lot of her spare time going round to help etc.
However one time I was talking to the grandmother on her own. Lovely lady, who I'd never heard say anything nasty about anyone. She suddenly called them grabby (not actually that word, but she would have if she was on mn!) and selfish.
I guess she really minded

Personallym given you have no daughter of your own - I think it lovely idea for your niece to have it - if your dad is happy with that. Especially since your niece was close to her gran it kind of makes things complete. But it is a very personal thing - no law on how you should feel.

I have my great grandmother's wedding ring - and I really like the continuity.

Sorry you are still feeling raw about your mum - it will ease over time.

I would talk it over with your sister and your niece - tell them how you feel - you will probably all have a good cry together, and a good reminisce and come to a decision.

Only you know your niece, and the manner in which she asked if she could use the ring. If it is for the genuine sentiment, and if you come to the conclusion that your Mum would have liked her to have it, you will come to your own decision. If she is grabby, you will know that, and might come to a different conclusion.

DM has willed all of her jewellery to me, as she was sickened by the way certain DIL behaved upon the death of her own mother. But she has given me strict instructions of who I am to give items to - although it's left to me to choose what and when!

Hope you get it sorted in a way that you're comfortable with.