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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want my niece to have Mum's wedding ring?

134 replies

RingOrNoRing · 07/07/2014 15:57

I've namechanged for this, not that I think any of my family are on here but you never know

We lost our Mum 2 years ago, and I know 2 years might seem a long time but it's still very, very raw Sad and I don't know if that's clouding my judgement

My eldest niece is getting married in a couple of years and her Mum (my sister) said at the weekend that she's thinking of asking our Dad if she can have Mum's wedding ring. Mum left all of her jewellery to my sister and I jointly and we shared everything else out but couldn't decide who should get that so we left it on Mum's bed and it's been there ever since

My sister said she's told her daughter that she can't see a problem with her having it "because it'll go to her eventually anyway" (not sure why she thinks that, probably because I'm child free) but I don't like the idea and I don't really know why

No idea what I expect anyone to say, perhaps tell me I'm being daft

OP posts:
Jengnr · 08/07/2014 05:12

If you and your sister can't agree who gets it it makes sense for it to go to someone else altogether.

Someone who loved your mother and that your mother loved. Someone who would treasure it forever. Someone who appreciates what it means. I think your niece wearing it as her wedding ring is a lovely idea and definitely a better use for something so precious that it sitting in somebody's house whilst you and your sister decide who gets it.

I understand how you feel and am very sorry for your loss. But this ring is just a ring, it isn't part of your Mum, you won't be losing her again. You will always keep her with you in your heart and memories regardless of who owns the ring.

ICanSeeTheSun · 08/07/2014 05:31

What would happen to the ring if your niece was to divorce her husband.

nooka · 08/07/2014 05:40

I have my MIL's wedding ring. she died a couple of years before dh and I got married (in fact the night we decided to officially get engaged was the night she later died). FIL wanted us to have it, and I was very touched at the idea. I don't know what his sisters thought, but I know he selected some personal items for each of his children so I assume that they were OK. My PIL didn't have the best marriage in the world, but I'm fond of FIL and it's nice to have something with a little bit of history.

Minisoksmakehardwork · 08/07/2014 06:37

Could it be divided and made into two much smaller bands, which you and your sister could then have placed on a necklace or bracelet to be worn by yourselves?

It seems part of the problem is probably both you and your sister really want the ring but neither wants to upset the other. Otherwise one of you would have had it instead of another piece of jewellery.

There is nothing wrong with being uncertain about the request made. Only you know what your niece's motives might be.

imstressedout · 09/08/2014 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notagainmun · 09/08/2014 18:16

Personally I would let your niece have it. What good is it stuck in a box not being worn. I think your mum would have like your niece to have it if they were close. However I am a fan of new marriage new ring too.

I have my maternal grandmothers ring and she didn't have the easiest of marriages according to my mother but I keep it because she wore it. I don't have a daughter and I don't think my sons are particularly sentimental so I will wait to see if I have a granddaughter, if not I will pass it to my eldest niece.

Marmiteandjamislush · 09/08/2014 18:26

I hope this won't offend you, but I apologise in advance if it does. Have you thought about splitting the ring and having the half put into a new one? That way each of you can keep your Mum with you.

imstressedout · 09/08/2014 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Catsmamma · 09/08/2014 18:37

i think it's quite nice that your niece seems to be very family oriented and it seems it would mean a great deal to her to have the ring as a talisman almost from her beloved Grandmother.

doesn't sound like she is a shallow thing who'd melt it down for a holiday as soon as she got her mitts on it....in which case I would def hang on to it!

Viviennemary · 09/08/2014 18:38

I can see why you feel the way you do. It's not always logical. I think it's a bit insensitive of them to ask your Dad. I agree with you. Say no.

maddy68 · 09/08/2014 18:44

I can see all sides here. What would your mum want? Do you think she would like to see her grandchild wear it? Or would she prefer it to stay in a bed collecting dust?

Does your niece want to wear it?
What does your dad think?

PastaBow · 09/08/2014 18:47

If it helps at all do you think she is the sort of woman who will look after it?

I aka because if she is it will ensure your mum is talked of throughout your nieces life.

My MIL gave me a piece of DH's Gran's jewellery. She died before my DCs were born but I always tell them 'this was Daddy's Nana's necklace' and tell them all about her.

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/08/2014 18:52

Awkward.

I think I might be your niece in this story.

Not literally but youknowwhatimean.

maddy68 · 09/08/2014 18:55

The more I think about this the more I think you should let your niece have this. That way your mum is playing a big part in a day that she sadly cannot now be part of. Everything your niece looks at her ring she will get reminded of your lovely mum and so will you I think this is a lovely way to keep her memory alive long after even you have passed away as she will explain to her own children and they will have a memory of someone that they never knew.

Flisspaps · 09/08/2014 19:04

I agree with those saying let her have it. You've said yourself you won't wear it, you'd leave it to the niece in your will if you had it and she was close to your mum.

I think it's lovely and not grabby that she's asked for it, it must have taken a lot for her to ask knowing how much it means to you and your sister.

Flisspaps · 09/08/2014 19:06

I also don't think it matters what your DN's future DH thinks about giving her an old ring instead of one of his choice. She is the one who has to wear whichever ring she gets.

alabasterangel · 09/08/2014 19:13

another one who has grandmas ring as my wedding ring....

Different as grandma is very much alive but widowed a decade ago and wears several other rings on that finger from my grandfather. I'd been married before and it was a disaster. This time when I look at that ring I think every day of the vows I've made and also the vows my grandparents made too. I know, my deceased grandpa, would have loved the idea of me having it. I think of them in the shop choosing it in 1952 and of the day it was used the first time. I think about people admiring it on the day, my grandmas and grandpas parents, grandparents, and really sentimentally think that its probably the only material thing which we've all directly touched. For that reason, meting it down or chopping it up doesn't seem right. It had surface scratches when I had it, part of it's history.

I hope it won't be the last time either, I hope long after my time someone connected to us, who cares about its origins, wears it again as their 'promise'..... For us it wasn't about who was entitled to it, it was more about who would think about its heritage in a respectful way. I almost don't feel that I own it; my grandma still does, but I'm borrowing it and helping its journey.

Knowing my sentimentality no one else who may have 'lay claim' had a problem.... My uncle and his wife, my mum, etc, all agreed that given my nostalgic views and my grandmothers wish, they would all be happy to see me use it. At the same time we all mutually agreed that my mum will inherit her engagement ring, which she still wears, but it was a point she wants to make and for everyone to know of her wishes.

If you can find peace with your neice having it, and you could have a discussion with her and your sister along these lines if similar things are important, then maybe you should. Maybe it could be your wedding gift to her to gift your half. Maybe you could caveat that if something goes wobbly you'd like to know she'll pass it back to her mum or you....

ithoughtofitfirst · 09/08/2014 19:35

If i wasn't using my Nan's wedding ring I would have had to buy my own one which looks exactly the same which would have been pointless, a shame and wouldn't have reminded me of my lovely Nana every time I look at it. It matches my engagement ring perfectly (same width yellow gold didn't even need it resized) and what's the alternative? It sitting in my Mum's draw collecting dust.

I think everyone forgot who had it until we asked if I could have it. My aunts did look a bit miffed but they did agree.

I don't know if yabu or not but this is how it is from my perspective.

WitchWay · 09/08/2014 19:37

My wedding ring was my grandmother's ring. When she was dying she told my mum (her DIL) she wanted me to have it. I am the only granddaughter however, & my DB the only grandson. It was made smaller to fit me & I love wearing it.

I think unless it was very clear that the ring was intended for your niece then the opinions of the other grandchildren need to be sought. As already mentioned, she has had a lot of other jewellery.

HalfEatenPizza · 09/08/2014 19:41

YABVU. If you will stay child free for sure... then it is a no brainer that it will go to one of your sister's kids. You should be very honoured that your niece wants it!

Marmiteandjamislush · 09/08/2014 19:45

A bit harsh Half, OP is still grieving.

rembrandtsrockchick · 09/08/2014 19:49

My grandparents married in 1921. When my grandmother died in 1980 I was given her wedding ring by my grandfather. I kept it until my son married ten years ago when I gave it to him and his future wife. Everytime I see it I remember my grandmother and know that she would have been delighted that her great grand daughter in law is wearing her ring.

JapaneseMargaret · 09/08/2014 20:34

What I would have honestly expected your sister to say to her when she first brought it up is 'I'm sorry DD, I don't think that's a very good idea. Me and Auntie X couldn't even decide between us who should take the wedding ring, I think it's far too much to ask and would be upsetting for Grandad and Auntie X - who it half belongs to.'

I don't think this would have been the ideal response, unless of course you think your Mum wanted the ring to sit in a box unused by anyone...?

While it might be the easier route just not to talk about it at all, it's not necessarily the right or best route.

Ring - even if you do go on to have children, they're not going to usurp your neice's place as your DM's closest grandchild.

By not discussing this and agreeing to a resolution now, the ring sits in its forlorn box, unused, and a lovely (perfect, even?) opportunity to breathe new life into it is missed.

Life carries on, your DSis eventually passes away, as do you (sorry to be morbid; I just mean as in, the passing of the generations), and the ring eventually makes its way to the very person everyone knew it was going to end up with anyway.

I think thinking about what your Mum would want will lead you to the right decision, and in doing so, between you, your DSis, DN, and DF, you'll be able to create a really special memory for all of you, and it way that makes you all feel good.

I don't think keeping the ring from your DN will ultimately make you feel good.

You seem like a lovely person, and I'm so sorry that this is stirring up emotional memories. Thanks

edamsavestheday · 09/08/2014 20:43

I think it's a bit presumptuous of your sister and I can see why you feel hurt.

Agree, try to think about what your Mum would have wanted - I bet the last thing she would have wanted is for you to fall out about it.

Hope you manage to make a decision that feels right.

ChangelingToday · 09/08/2014 20:43

Was your mother close with her gd? My mother was left my gm wedding ring but gave it to my first cousin who barely knew her. She doesn't know why, just gave it to her on a whim, something she does a lot. I was and still am livid. It would have meant so much to me to have her ring on my hand and was very close to my gm. I think since your sister and you couldn't decide which of you got the ring she should have at least said do you mind and of course run it by your father too. If she was close to her gm then I can see why it would mean something.