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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've just got really annoyed with dh because he said the tea lady at work is lovely & really 'cheers him up' - AIBU?

154 replies

shakethetree · 07/07/2014 07:45

He said she's attractive Hmm and when she asks him if he's had a good day she sounds like she really means it - he went on to say she's like that with everyone, but it was when he said she really cheers him up I got a bit annoyed.

Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
settingsitting · 07/07/2014 08:42

I think that there are several issues here op.

And it will take a little look at your relationship in general.

How long have you been together?
I think you need to tell him that what he said bothers you.

Some poeple have relationships where they tell each other that they thought someone looked nice, and some dont.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/07/2014 08:44

Nicki it's not frosty cool, I'm not cool if I thought my husband was really having an affair, I'd be raging mad. But we both work in jobs where we meet and socialise a lot with the opposite sex, and then discuss our lives, so for me, saying a tealady was attractive is just not significant.

Sallystyle · 07/07/2014 08:51

I wouldn't like it much. The attractive part he could keep to himself. It's not that I don't know he finds others attractive, he is human after all, but yes, I would get a pang of jealousy if he said how attractive she was and how she cheers him up and I would rather not know that he also finds her attractive as well as a lovely person who cheers him up.

I know it isn't cool to admit that sometimes you can feel a bit insecure about things that maybe you probably shouldn't, but as a human, yes, sometimes I feel insecure over silly things. Only on MN's have I ever met a bunch of people who are immune from insecurity.

I wouldn't worry he was having an affair but I still wouldn't like it.

Feelings are feelings and you are never unreasonable to feel them. What you do with those feelings is what matters. You said it was the way he said it more than anything. We weren't there so we can't really say yabu.

BringMeTea · 07/07/2014 08:53

As my username suggests I too am green about this workplace perk! Honestly OP, I would not be worrying about this. If it is truly bothering you can you pinpoint why?

BolshierAyraStark · 07/07/2014 08:54

I think it's probably him attempting to hint that he'd like you to perhaps show a little more genuine interest in his day. Have no idea why he needed to tell you how attractive she is though, perhaps an attention getter?

MagicMojito · 07/07/2014 08:54

Ya soooooo nbu OP :)

I'd be pissed off at that, nevermind "abit twitchy"
I haven't got a problem with dh finding another woman attractive, I realise (and I'm fine with the fact) that he has a little flirt with female work friends.

BUT I dont wanna hear about it. It wouldn't bother me that someone else brightens his day, but it seems disrespectful for to tell you he finds another woman attractive.

Sallystyle · 07/07/2014 08:56

It wouldn't be the end of the world if my husband said it either, but I would feel a bit insecure.

I guess I hate threads where posters are made to feel petty for having what is a normal emotion. If she was to run around and accuse him of having an affair based on one comment that would be wrong, but having a feeling of insecurity over this comment makes her human. It's great that some people are very secure but it doesn't make the OP wrong for feeling a very normal emotion does it?

andmyunpopularfeeling asks how the OP expects her relationship to work if she feels twitchy over this. That is just stupid. My marriage is a very happy one despite me feeling insecure every now and then.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 07/07/2014 08:56

It also depends on the context in which he said this. It is a slightly odd thing to say unprompted. If it was in response to 'what's the new tea lady like?' or 'is there anyone at work you think is attractive?' or general chitchat about work colleagues, it's a bit different.

If he leaped out of bed and said this in relation to nothing, it's a bit tactless.

Sallystyle · 07/07/2014 08:59

BTW my husband has never made me feel insecure but I struggle with insecurity in all aspects of my life. Not to a great degree but it is an emotion that I am familiar with and most people I know are at one point or another. Just not on MN's.

MagicMojito · 07/07/2014 09:02

By the way, you may very well be being unreasonable. But so bloody what?! Grin Grin

Your allowed to feel the way you feel.

CuChullain · 07/07/2014 09:04

Generally I think it is a pretty unhealthy state of affairs if you can’t accept your partner once in a while admitting that he might find someone other than you attractive and engaging. It’s got nothing to do with being ‘cool’ and everything to do with trust. My wife tells me about her day and the people she has met, sometimes she might tell me about some really interesting witty guy she just had a working lunch with or the ridiculously good looking boxercise instructor down her gym that has half the women in the class fawning over him. I am not being ‘cool’ by not going into some jealous rage, I just trust her.

GretchenWiener · 07/07/2014 09:05

Lol at cool wives.
I'm not any old wife im a cool wife.

I've just got really annoyed with dh because he said the tea lady at work is lovely & really 'cheers him up' - AIBU?
DottyDooRidesAgain · 07/07/2014 09:10

YABU.

Unless he was rubbing his hands on his thighs Vic Reeves style the way your DH said it sounds perfectly fine.

In regards to why he said it. Why not?

Maybe your DH does not think like you (if he is not a jealous person) so saw nothing wrong in mentioning it.

And please don't go to work to meet her. That would be embarrassing for your DH and you are blatantly saying you don't trust him when he has given you no reason not to.

PiperRose · 07/07/2014 09:12

Ok. For the record I think you're being completely unreasonable. I've ended relationships because of this kind of jealousy.

However I know there are relationships that thrive on this kind of dysfunction, you now the type, screaming at each other one minute about someone smiling at someone then shagging like beasts the next. I couldn't live like that.

I do have one question. Did he volunteer that he found her attractive? Or did he mention that she cheers him up and you asked "is she attractive?", because that's a loaded question....q

FruVikingessOla · 07/07/2014 09:15

Maybe he was feeling a bit Monday-morning-bluesish and just mentioned it in a way that a wee bit of chit chat with her would brighten up a day that he, otherwise, wasn't looking forward to?

Lucked · 07/07/2014 09:16

A tea lady would cheer me up no end!!

Yes my jealousy would be because he is lucky enough to have a tea lady? Does she bring round biscuits too - my green eyed monster might take control if he was getting shortbread and custard creams.

To be fair going into the office on a Monday morning is depressing, so every cloud and all that.

settingsitting · 07/07/2014 09:17

btw, this isnt a joke thread is it.
In that the tea lady is 67? So probably wouldnt realistically be a problem if your husband is 30?

settingsitting · 07/07/2014 09:18

tbh, we need quite a lot more context here.

GretchenWiener · 07/07/2014 09:19

i know of a (quite strange ) woman who went on and on at home about how someone at work fancied her.
Her partner had enough and went into work to have a word and .. guess what?

it was all a fantasy and a ploy. THE SHAME!!

settingsitting · 07/07/2014 09:23

Quite.
I can tell quite a lot by seeing someone. And since you know your husband as well, it helps to sum up situations easier.

It is like staff parties. Not always very nice, but you learn a lot about people that you didnt know about them before.

PiperRose · 07/07/2014 09:27

So settingsitting, what exactly can you tell just by looking at someone?

GretchenWiener · 07/07/2014 09:29

dick size

VitoCorleone · 07/07/2014 09:30

Well, i don't know why he felt the need to tell you that he finds her attractive, i mean come on, he sees this woman every day at work, why would he feel the need to let you know that he finds her attractive? I wouldn't like it either OP.

I am the jealous type though.

Original poster
shakethetree · 07/07/2014 09:31

He volunteered that she was attractive.Sad we we're having a normal boring conversation about the tennis & I said Roger Federer looked more Italian than Swiss - he then mentioned the tea lady ( she's Italian apparently ) & then went onto say she's in her mid 40's & attractive.

I'm not happy really.

OP posts:
GretchenWiener · 07/07/2014 09:34

i am wondering if he works in 1962 with this ' tea lady'

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