Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

Jesus, Bearbehind, how much do you spend on yourself per month? How much do you fritter away?

That whole post is just rude and somewhat bullying in tone.

Of course you don't have equal to spend if you earn differently.thats obvious
You have your own salary,what's left after expenditure.live within your means
But he should pay more in mortgage as he earn more.bills split equal

I have to totally change my opinion.

I cannot believe that anyone would just spend, spend, spend from an account and never even check the balance or take any notice of their finances to the point they don't have a clue what they spend.

nomama the OP has asked how much out of her £1700 salary she should pay into a joint account.

I fear she might not have a clue how much she actually spends in a month and it may very well be more than she'll even earn.

I don't understand what the OP was trying to achieve by asking for independence in the first place so I asked how she saw it panning out- it wasn't meant to sound rude- sorry

I don't think it's rude to ask. The OP has already been very open about her income so why not be as open with how much she spends?

Sometimes people won't say because they know it is too much. OP may not want to admit that she has taken advantage of an open account.

Also I don't see a bullying tome I see a questioning tone.

I still don't get it!

I understand that his salary will pay for most things, it is the allocation 'he will pay more' that I don't get.

Here we earn, we pay, we spend (I organise the savings). We have never allocated responsibility for anything or spending dibs. Over the years we have earned vastly different amounts but never ever treated our earnings as anything other than 'ours'.

But that won't work for amigreedy yet. She needs time to work out how to earn, spend, save. It would make sense for her to 'live off' her own earnings for a while, to get the hang of how money works. But no amount of 'your % my %' will make any sense at all!

tone

Thanks dotty

The OP has specifically asked how much she should contribute and no one can comment unless she discloses what she spends.

For the life of me I can't see how the OP thought her original plan would work out better for her but I'm guessing she had her reasons and I just wondered what they were.

Bear, it is because OP has been honest and said she hasn't a clue that, in her very fortunate position, it would be possible for her to keep all of her earnings for a while and work that out. Rather than coming to some figure based on % of income/outgoings.

She will very quickly learn if/where she is being profligate, especially with the added incentive of not wanting to see her hard earned cash just disappear.

That is something most people learn really early, but OP has, gain very honestly said, that she has never been independent. So she needs to learn from scratch. Her DH seems to be supportive, so she just needs to get on with it!

It was the 'I have asked before' bit I fond bullying. OP has chosen not to answer why badger her?

No need to get pissy "nicki"

But my questions still stands why aren't you asking her why she hasn't shown an interest?

Ami,has basically been spending his money for years not keeping track of expenditure
Has limited experience of managing salary expenditure to extent doesn't know own spending
On her own salary she'll need to budget and manage her expenditure.thats only adult and fair

Ami has become infantilised and dependent on her husband money.with no idea of what she spends
Now she's earning that'll change she'll have to learn to live within means

I withdraw from our account to pay some things -

Dc lessons etc- approx 500 per term
Some other cash payment bills about - 500 per month.

These withdrawals maybe spread over the month but with repeated small withdrawals IYSWIM

For my own self at the top on an indulgent week probably 200 but more like 100 regularly per week. (Fuel- some food shopping the occasional item)

We do have high outgoing as you would expect but neither of us spend an obstinate amount on ourselves or are particularly flash

I agree with you * scottishmummy

This is exactly it ^^

Accusing someone of bullying is pretty serious nomama

You can't convey tone in a post and words can sound harsher than they were intended- I was simply highlighting the fact that the OP is avoiding the question that is crucial to this situation.

If she spends more than or close to what she earns, she's going to have a very big problem.

So basically, you had free reign on the joint account that only he was contributing to and you have spent too much because you never checked the balance and he wants you to take responsibility - so taking your name off that account and you contributing an amount from your wages and keeping the rest for you to manage on your own.

Better to actually face up to your spending habits. Sit down and go through the balances each month with him and agree on a value that you can both spend for yourselves.

We do the joint finances except for 'pocket money' which is the same for both of us. There are also agreed amounts squirrelled away for family holidays, pension, car maintenance etc.

This really works as we can spend our pocket money exactly how we like.

Not "pissy" just not really interested in responding to you throughout this thread. It's not your thread.

SM has it bang on.

ami will the DC's lessons and other cash payments come out of the joint account in future?

If they will and if you really only spend £200 a week on your own then if you keep £1,000 per month and put £700 into the joint account you'll be fine.

Yes scottishmummy but financial independence won't come from just learning to manage her money because this involves an entire family.

The OP needs to learn how to manage the family finances otherwise she will continue to overspend whilst her DH continues to pay for the family.

I said 'somewhat bullying in tone'.

I was not accusing you, I was pointing out that I found the short, sharpness of your post uncomfortable.

That and I don't agree that anyone needs to know how much OP does or does not spend - that's just nosy. She just needs encouragement to get on with it. She will work out the rest of it for herself.

To be fair, Nomama, the op herself asked for suggestions of figures that she could contribute. In that case I don't think it was inappropriate for posters to ask for further details.

OP if you want to be financially independent you need to take responsibility, be accountable. You need to know what your bills are, look at the joint account statement, know broadly how much you spend a month. You need to discuss this with your husband, properly.

Otherwise you're going to find yourself very quickly overdrawn even if you keep all £1,700 of your salary.

But the things you've listed there are nearly all household expenses. Hardly a profligate spender.

I agree,ami has been too passive and disinterested in the finances in past
But now she is interested,and it starts with self regulation.understand own expenditure
And as couple they need to discuss finances,shared costs eg kids.but it starts with ami regulating herself,and understanding her behaviour