Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

I agree, Nicky, as I said, it was the repeated question/demand that I found to be a bit over bearing (sorry, no pun intended).

Don't try and squirm out of it- you then said

It was the 'I have asked before' bit I fond bullying.

I disagree with your last paragraph. The OP asked for specific advice on specific amounts which can't be given without knowing what her outgoings are- and she's now given them anyway.

Ami - good luck with it. It's going to be tough.

What you need to do is sit down with the bank statements going back for about 6 months, and work out what you are spending money on.

How much for personal spending, (fuel, lunches, meals out with friends, hobbies, clothes, make up, etc) and how much on the DC (clubs, activities, clothes, pocket money, etc).

Then have a look at what you spend as a couple that your DH pays for - meals out, presents for people, holidays, etc.

If you want to feel equal, then what you are left with after your contribution should equal your personal spending and half of what your DH pays for.

HOWEVER - you will still need access to the join account to pay for your DC's activities and money for things they need. But it should be WITHIN BUDGET.

Hopefully what you earn will be more than what you spend on yourself personally, and anything else should then go into the family pot.

If you're finding it too hard to work it out, then perhaps contribute 20% of your income, on the basis that by working your family costs will be higher (extra convenience meals, babysitting costs, holiday clubs while you work etc.)

Then both the family pot will be better off - your spending isn't coming out of it - and you will feel more independent.

Trial this for 6 months and see how it goes.

You should pay your money into the joint account. You should take equal responsibility for bills. You should divide what is left at the end of the month equally. There is no other equal way to do it imho.

BUT OP, I suspect equally as pressing a question will shortly be - does he do equal childcare/housework. Because THAT has been your contribution as a SAHM. So it was never all his contribution in the first place. You contributed equally but just not in monetary terms.

I'm sorry but you are married to a dinosaur who needs some major consciousness raising.

I think the figures the op posted about her spending are perhaps a bit conservative. You don't go overdrawn on a 150k salary with low spending like that. (Obv I don't know what the mortgage is etc). We aren't far away in salary and I spend more that and don't go anywhere near overdraft, and I have a big mortgage.

In that case scotish maybe the OP needs to sit down and look at 6 months worth of bank statements. That would give her a very clear picture of her expenditure.

I do get what you saying about her learning with her money first but she is not just one person she is a family and she should learn to manage the family accounts. She needs to contribute fairly (taking wage difference in to account) and then learn to manage what she has left.

Don't be ridiculous why should salaries be shared,if you didn't earn it yiu don't get given half

Oh come on, lets not make this a sahm mum debate!! Now he is a dinosaur?!

OP, what is it that made you say you did spend too much?

Your expenditure doesn't seem excessive, especially as it includes fuel.

What kind of expenditure prompts the arguments with your DH?

It's all new for ami,so start with own monies.progress to understanding the shared monies
And congratulations on new job

Some find it easier to hold the man entirely responsible when it comes down to money.

Had the man been a dinosaur surely he would have just given her housekeeping and a bit of pin money instead of letting her have free access to the account

Why is it her figures that are "conservative". It seems strange to me that it's the OP's spending that is the one thing that is causing the account to be overdrawn and yet OP only knows this because that's what DH told her. I think you should take a careful look at statements OP and see if it actually YOUR spending that is the problem.

A dinosaur?hes the partner who gives her unrestricted access to his salary
Ami,at moment has no idea of her expenditure and showed no interest in finances
If ami,we're eking out existence with controlled finances,that'd be grim.she isn't in that position

Getting cold feet?
Because you are realising that your new plan means that you are going to have less spending money, I assume?

OP, the two of you can't possibly have a rational, informed discussion about what a fair arrangement would be if only one of you knows what the actual numbers are.

Ans it's not fair for your DH to say no more discussions, you've made you bed, now lie on it if you had the original discussion on the basis of complete guesswork on your part.

You need to have access to all the bank statements and find out where the money's been going and on what basis he's blaming you for the overdraft.

Nicki, she said herself she overspends. Why is that do hard to believe? And it's easy to underestimate what you spend. A lunch here, a coffee there, or a new lipstick. It can all add up without you realising, esp when the op doesn't pay much attention.

NickiFury

Suit yourself, but you still seem intent on blaming the DH for all of this.

Wow some people are absolutely determined to cry finance abuse and finger the husband here.

OP, maybe you need to say to your DP 'fair enough, I've not taken enough interest in the household income, budgeting and spending in the past. And I've not really thought this through properly now I'm going to be working. so I can understand you're a bit irked. But I want to learn now. My logic in wanting my name off the joint account, I realise now, wasn't my best idea. I'm going to try to get myself familiar with accounts and budgeting this month so I have a better understanding instead of leaving it all to you. That's not fair on you. Then once I've got myself up to speed on it all can we revisit this next month?'

I agree with nicknacky

There's something missing in this story.

If £200 a week is a high estimate of her spends, including fuel, I can't see why her DH would be complaining about her excessive spending, when she's said he is generous and fair generally.

It is very easy for expenditure to mount up, particularly when there's a seemingly never ending source of cash.

If the OP hasn't got those figures from the bank statements there's a big possibility that she's underestimating.

That's a good post, Waffle. I think that's exactly what op needs to do.

Thank you everyone!

Yes you are correct, I don't know if it is me spending or not.

I'm not sure if just having my own money is enough- I need to understand our finances and be more aware of my behaviours.

I'm probably underestimating my spending, that happens when you don't manage your money.

It is a good suggestion to go through the last 6 months spending and identify my patterns.

My DH would like me to take more responsibility but at the same time is very uncommunicative & avoids my prompts to sit down & discuss.

I appreciate all of the insights you have provided me with and will put together a plan that helps me to be more accountable.

A Plan,that's great,and open communication
Any hoo,your job congratulations,are you excited?

Good luck with it OP, I'm sure that when he realises you're serious about it all he'll be more willing to discuss it.

ami

by Prompts do you mean hints?

Ask him outright to sit with you and go through finances.