Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

NickiFury
"No that's a BAD plan. Do NOT remove yourself from that account."

I agree that this would be bad

"I asked before, are you equally involved in all financial decisions? Are you aware of all the ins and outs? Does he discuss all financial arrangements with you? Or does he deal with it all then moan when you go overdrawn?"

Why are you asking if he discusses with her? surely it is as much her responsibility to ask the questions and get involved?

How much do you spend on yourself each month?

If it's close to what you will take home, you have a major problem, if it's much less then keep that and pay the rest into the family pot.

Fwiw I am a bit rubbish with money. Not overspending, but just the logistics.
Especially now dh manages our finances, I've become lazy tbh.
But I work pt. he earns much more than I do. My salary is paid into our joint account from which bills are paid. He puts x amount in my personal acct each month from which I pay for my personal expenses and about 60% of our groceries/ kids stuff. He watches all the accounts and tops up my account if I'm running out. I am supposed to watch it more closely than I do (not at all if I'm honest) but then I am not a spendthrift. I don't buy many things for myself.

I wouldn't be in a relationship where I didn't have the first clue about OUR finances and where my H or P was resistant to keeping he informed. I suspect it suits him down to the ground keeping you in the dark.

Out of interest if you don't know about your finances or look at statements how on earth do you know it's YOUR spending taking the account overdrawn?

All earnings to be paid into joint account. All family expenses to come out of joint account (including eating out as a couple, holidays, bills, childcare etc). Then an equal set amount paid into each of your personal accounts every month for personal spending (anything that only the one person wants). It needs to be the same for both of you in terms of free spend as you have both contributed full time to your marriage. You will feel you are contributing as your salary will be part of this joint account. You can save your personal money if you want, as a running away fund.

Don't have your name taken off the joint account. Makes no real difference on divorce but would cause real hassle if your DH ever had an accident.

I am not aware of our finances
Savings etc

At the beginning of our marriage DH would attempt to sit down etc but tbh it suited me.

Now it doesn't.

DH says he agrees but avoids real conversations about it

To be fair, from what you have typed he is pretty transparent and very amenable.

I also think his telling you to work out what you can live with is also very amenable.

Work it out and let him know. As for no more discussion, sod that! In about 3 months you will need to revisit the arrangement. Just do it. Start the conversation and make sure your voice is heard - but no moaning .

As I said before, you have got what you asked for. Make the most of it. If, as you say, you have always been supported, this will be a big change for you. Let him know you are enjoying it and get him on board as you go. It will be a big change for him to. But, as he seems to want you to make your own decisions, make them!

I wasn't asking you boney so I will wait for the OP's response if that's ok.

I don't think he is keeping her in the dark? It doesn't sound like she is interested in knowing what money is in the account. And maybe she has been reckless and the H wants to get them on an even keel, what's wrong with that?

I only withdraw from our account.
I have never checked our account.
I don't pay bills
I don't look at how much is in it

Financial independence does not come from just having your own money.

It comes with the responsibility of understanding the household income/expenditure.

After 15 years maybe it is about time you took more of an acting role in the finances and started to understand what bills are paid and how.

That is true financial independence OP.

She's just said she is interested, things have changed etc.

don't take your name off the joint account, but name a figure and say you will trial it and revisit in 3 months?

It probably is about time you got more afait with budgeting generally. I can see your DH's point more, now.

What Dotty says.

DH earns a lot more than me. I work fewer hours because I do the bulk of the domestic side of things. He has a job that involves long, unpredictable hours so it works best this way.
We split things up so that we each pay a similar percentage of our income on bills and outgoings.
We each have a similar amount to spend on personal stuff.
Large purchases are discussed and agreed.
This is done in a friendly and cooperative manner without arguments or accusations.

Your "Dh's money" is family money, he is able to go out and earn it because you have been caring for and bringing up HIS and your children. Looking after children and a home is also a full time job.

Was he expecting you to work full time and put your DC in nursery?

IMO if he is earning £150K there should be no need for any arguments about money.

Yeah she is interested now because her financial circumstances have changed and she wants her own money to keep, but wasn't interested when she had free reign of the household money!!

Why are people determined to make the H out to be the bad one?

3littlefrogs, have you read the entire thread?

Ah- missed the bit about you spending too much and being overdrawn.
How you do that with an income of £150K is baffling to me.
It suggests you are not good at managing money OP.

And, whilst I can only dream of the level of income, why assume that it ensures an overdraft/debt free life? Surely all expenses just increase as you expect / want and buy a bigger house / car etc? That's just human nature!

Nicknacky
I didn't refresh the page before posting

You should both have the same to spend regardless of who brings in more.

It all needs re thinking whatever the reason and should have been a long time ago imo.

You're allowed to change your mind. If you feel uneasy about taking your name off the joint account, don't rush into it. Just because he has agreed to that doesn't mean it's your next inevitable course of action.

Maybe tell him you have thought it through and are concerned about the financial inequality of separate accounts. Then trial paying both salaries into the joint account. Sit down and create a budget together, so you both know where you stand financially with your joint family money.

If your main issue is the financial scrutiny, in future you can at least point out that you have paid money into this account too and don't need to justify every purchase (particularly if you're still sticking to the budget you both agree to).

So what if he earns more and pays for holidays/meals out etc? Would you rather not go on holiday, go out for meals and him only spend 400 per month like you, and give the rest to charity?

If he has 2500 left over a month, even if you gave none of your salary to teh household pot, he would still have more.

I was the main breadwinner, now my husband is. When have a joint account and seperate accounts, but just pay for things out of whatever account has money in it. If I or DH won the lottery, it would be shared, and if one of us earned £600 squillion per year and the other nothing, it would be shared, and whoever wasn't earning that would be happy the other was so as a family we could go on holiday

You should both have the same to spend regardless of who brings in more.

Why?

Surely both should have enough to spend, regardless of income. The remainder to be saved for family stuff, retirement, etc.

As I said before, I don't get the idea that in a marriage you have to have equal dibs... it seems too calculated and, to be very honest, childish.

OP, I've asked lots of times- how much do you spend per month on yourself?

If you don't know specifically, roughly how much?

It sounds to me that it's not inconceivable that you fritter away the equivalent of your entire salary in a month.

It's 'only' about £350-£400 a week.

A new outfit here, lunch out there and a new handbag cos you feel like it and you'd spend that kind of cash easily.

If you might actually need your entire take home pay to maintain your current spends- what was your motivation in wanting independence from your DH- how did you think it would work?