Who is being unreasonable? Me or dh...

[amigreedy]

So i have been a sham for 15 years with our 3 dc. I have worked part time here and there in-between dc.
We live away from family and dh travels a lot with work, so it was very difficult to juggle everything without support but I have always worked hard.

We have a joint account and while dh has not been controlling about money, it often comes up in arguments how much I spend. He claims to much...maybe so, but then I don't have an expense account , so of course most of the withdrawals are on my card iyswim.

So now for the first time ever I am going to work full time. I am very pleased about this.

I've told DH that i would like my own bank account and to take my name of the joint account.
My salary will get paid into my account and i will contribute to the family bills fairly.
This way, I manage my own account and don't have to have full disclosure with every purchase I make. Independence at 43

So here's the problem, we sat down to talk about how much of the bills I should pay. I will take home 1700 after tax, with DH's calculations I would have 400 left over for the month.

DH earns 1500.00.

He will not be left with 400 per month.

So despite me working full time, i will effectively be in the same position as dh will have to pay for the holidays, birthdays, meals out etc. And I will probably feel the same as I do now.

So... am I greedy? Is it true that I have been happy to spend dh's money all these years and now I have my own I want it for myself.? (his opinion-not mine).

Or is dh trying to control me despite my break for independence...?

Actually, I agree with pp - you should be discussing this with your husband.

Oh dear.

How much do you currently spend on yourself?

Does 'bills' include holidays, child related expenses etc?

Is your disposable income going to be just for your luxuries?

I read the earlier posts wrong. I took it that OP was going overdrawn on the joint account while her H had 2.5k left to himself but was cross examining OP on what she paid. This is why I said to look at financial abuse.

This needs a very clear conversation.

What are the bills? What about holidays, meals out, birthdays? To me they are a part of the households bills.

Is your 400 literally your free money for you or is it to cover all these things?

What happens if you can't afford to keep up? He and the kids go for meals and holidays but you don't because you can't pay your share?

I do not think it is a good plan.

I suggest you say to him that you need to go back to basics and review all of your financial arrangements. Mortgage bills joint savings, childcare (this is a joint expense), holidays, his income, your income so you both know exactly what comes in and what goes out. Is there currently transparency in your family finances? Then compare the different scenarios of how you could arrange your finances together.

My concern is that you end up with him being able to buy designer gear and go on 6 holidays a year with the guys while you get one family holiday and a damp weekend in skegness with your friends. That sort of thing.

Tbh, the actual total of household expenses isn't really relevant here.

The OP can't afford to contribute proportionally at all.

The best option here is to work out what she feels she needs as 'her' money and start from there.

I have to say alarm bells would be ringing for me now. Unless the
OP has been a proper diva about coming off the joint account and DH is proving a point but will back down, this won't end well.

Now you sound like an old curse: Be careful what you wish for!

Seriously, you asked, you received. Make the most of it. Make sure you don't do the martyr thing, you'll resent that forever. In about 3 months revisit the conversation and see if there are any changes either of you would like to make to the arrangement.

But don't moan now. He has given you what you wanted!

Just asking advice from non invested outsiders to help me get some perspective.

I am discussing it with my DH but would like some opinions and support from intelligent people.

After all salary & finances is not something I discuss in RL with friends.

This is a new time in my life as I have been fully supported for many years & would like more autonomy but have no experience upon which to make desicions.

I personally think taking your name off the joint account is a bad way to go - if you think that you can't be trusted not to spend frivolously from it, maybe just agree to give up your debit card or something, but removing your name from joint finances is a really bad move.

However, if you choose to go down this route, then in terms of working out your number it is a percentage of whatever your total joint income is.

If you clear £1700 and your husband clears £7500 then your total household income in £9200, of which your contribution is 18.5%. Your 'figure' is therefore 18.5% of the bills.

You would need to negotiate extras such as holidays, new cars etc.

Bear, fair enough I didn't see that. However, as I say, him saying it is her spending too much is not the same as her actually spending too much. Either way IMO they would both benefit from equal spending money for personal expenses (not family ones) then the OP has a clearer budget she has to stick to for herself.

But we would be plucking figures out of thin air. Seriously, this isn't rocket science. Intelligent people on the internet can not possibly resolve your financial disputes. You came up with figures originally that didn't work, go and revisit it.

No that's a BAD plan. Do NOT remove yourself from that account. I asked before, are you equally involved in all financial decisions? Are you aware of all the ins and outs? Does he discuss all financial arrangements with you? Or does he deal with it all then moan when you go overdrawn?

Yikes, don't take your name of the joint account! No, no, no, never in million years. Please don't.

Have your salary paid into your account and arrange a transfer of a fixed amout into the joint every month.
A fair %, not half of the bills.

It HAS to be relative to the salaries earned. When my DH earned double my salary, he paid double what I did.

People can't give any advice if you don't disclose how much you've been spending on 'yourself' and whether 'bills' is all household expenditure, including holidays and child related costs.

wafffly

I see your concerns.
My DH has always been generous with the finances and never been unfair or controlling.

But - who knows what happens right?

I questioned him about exactly your scenario when discussing and he said, well if I wanted to do that I would just open another account and get my salary paid into that wouldn't I?

I think he thinks he could manage our finances more efficiently if I have my own account to manage my expenditure.
I don't even look at out bank statement so I have no accountability.

DH would still pay for holidays etc the leftover money in my account would be for me to do with what I decide.

So how will he react if you say that now you're earning you would like more openness about finances and to be fully aware and involved?

amigreedy this must be getting a bit painful now.

Please, just talk to your DH over and over again. Talk through any arguments, talk through facts and figures. Talk though how you are feeling. Talk through how he is feeling.

Don't avoid anything, have a BIG chat (or ten) about finances and get that channel of communication wide open and agree to revisit it regularly until you both get your heads around the changes.

ami do you even know how much you spend on yourself each month if you don't even look at bank statements?

I fear you are about to learn a very hard lesson because you've kicked up a fuss about wanting independence.

It sounds like you're about to get it and you're not going to like it at all.

Mmmm he doesn't think we need big discussions.

He says he's transparent but is not really open to communication about the finances.

I put forward a point of action, he's accepted, now I have to decide my figure.

No more discussion.

"I think he thinks he could manage our finances more efficiently if I have my own account to manage my expenditure.
I don't even look at out bank statement so I have no accountability."

Why does not looking at the statement give you no accountability?

So you don't know if bills have gone up, something unexpected has had to be paid for or if your husband has spent more than normal?

Why were you never just given £X per month if that is what you wanted & would have suited your husband?

bearbehind

I suspect you are correct.

sunshine, in this household his money is paid into his account, mine into mine. I transfer enough to the joint account cover the bills each month and then I take whatever is over in all accounts and put into savings.

We don't have an amount each, we just spend what we want and save what is left over.

Whilst the outcome isn't far different from yours I don't understand the 'work out your percentage of the bills and split whats left' thing. All money is 'ours', we don't have yours and mine in anything... except for the obvious things

Ok, so it seems that the main thing here, for you, is you need something, some money that is just yours to have complete autonomy over, just for you, that you can spend on 20 flashing light up Mary and Joseph statuettes if you want, without being questioned? You would have a clear budget to stick to, rather than spending without a clear budget then going overdrawn on the joint account?

It also sounds like it would benefit you to learn a bit more about finances and budgeting? For your own sake generally it is a good idea to understand the basics of household finance etc.

I only withdraw from our account.
I have never checked our account.
I don't pay bills
I don't look at how much is in it