AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

Gosh, haven't read the entire thread, but princessprimark you are way out of order.

This was not just any old toy. When I was small I had a stuffed toy and as far as I was concerned he was alive and suffered pain and cold like any human or animal. The idea of someone taking him away from me at that age gives me the shivers even now. Not all children are like that, my daughter wasn't, but the "aunt" sounds incredibly cruel and heartless. I would seriously think about ever letting a child of mine in her vicinity ever again.

So she sits on their house watching telly and eating a packed lunch made by you?

Do they even play games with her?

I'd not send her back. They seem both cruel and clueless. The dad just sounds dishonest!

I so wish I had a cool cat toy to send you. I might have my childhood leopard called Jonny. He's been all round Europe with me. He'd LOVE another little girl to own him.

PM with your address

Btw, I have both a teddy that has alot of sentimental meaning (my sisters), and a four year old.

Its really easy to tell a four year old that this one is for mummy not ds. Its never been an issue. Why would it?

If I let him play with it, sleep with it etc, abd told him it was a special gift from an adored adult... then months later told him off for 'stealing', and saw his tears as being a brat... who would be to blame? Me, the adult who let him bond with the toy under false pretences, or the child who in all innocence thought he'd been gifted the toy and became attached at the encouragement of the adults around him.

I'll give you the clue... It's not the little child's responsibility to query and disbelieve what they are told by their parents!

My post went weird.

PM with your address if she'd like him.

primarkprincess you sound incredibly dour lemon faced and I imagine your home to be a somewhat grey and joyless environment.

OP I would find it quite hard to keep sending her there tbh, none of them sound like they actually like her very much .

YANBU

Your ex allowed you to think he had bought it for her. Twat.

Your ex "SIL" hasn't been bothered about it for months. Spiteful.

Your friend is thoughtful, kind and caring. Lovely.

Your dd needs to not get attached to something you can't replace should it go missing. Experience has taught me this as I bought two Piglets for DD when she became very attached very quickly to one. Worked out well when she lost one. Then another but we found one and so we still have one (though she isn't fussed now she is nearly 11.)

Slightly off the point but.... Surely as parents, our job is to prepare our children for the next stage of life. The fact that 3 of your ILs adult children still live with them speaks volumes.

Agree with Thumbwitch: this basically sums up just how little regard your ILs and ex have for your daughter. They really just couldn't care less, could they?

It's heartbreaking to think how attached your poor DD got to the cat because it represented to her that her Dad cares about her. Her crying on giving it back is clearly not a 'tantrum' about a toy (primarkprincess : you must have a bargain basement level understanding of psychology if you think that...). It wasn't just a toy - for her it was one of the few signs she had that her Dad cares about her.

Well obviously he really doesn't care about her, poor thing, so if I were you, OP, I'd make minimum effort to facilitate contact from now on. Let him do the running.

And I have siblings who live at home as adults and have some social difficulties, are a little odd in their behavior but they wouldn't dream of taking a toy back off my DS if he got attached to it. Even if they did for some reason then my parents would step in and tell them to cop themselves on. So there's just no excuse for your SIL and ex's behavior.

FGS do some sad people just sit waiting for a new AIBU so they can spurt their ghastly nonsense?

What utter bastards, how can anyone upset a child like that? YADNBU, change your number, go Email contact only from now on. Hopefully he's the type of wonderful father who will get bored and piss off.

Ah, poor child.

What a way to find out your dad and his family couldn't give a shit.
Ditto to changing number and email contact.

Well, temporarilyjerry, it does look a lot like the SIL is having a tantrum - "mummy, she's got my toy and she won't give it baaaaack!", so I think you are right. The parents seem tonhave failed spectacularly in their responsibility to prepare their DC for life. Some parents like it that way, though. They see their children as possessions to control, rather than people in their own right.

Bloody hell, op, YANBU at all, what a cruel thing to do. primarkprincess, your comments beggar belief.

I'm horrified reading this, your poor DD OP . Your ex is a scumbag and his sister not much better. Bit of a misnomer primark you're very unprincess like.

OP I was given a Piglet some years ago. If you think your DD would like it, PM me your address. He will have to be washed first, just hope he doesn't disintegrate.

Ahh, poor DD.

For what it's worth, I don't have children but have many nieces and nephews (real and honorary) plus godchildren. I have a teddy bear - knackered, threadbare and with her head hanging on by a string. I've had it since I was 3. I would hate to part with it - mainly because she (!) represents my childhood. And for that reason, the teddy is high up on a shelf in my bedroom (a place where the kids in my life have been but rarely and not without supervision) and I would never encourage a child to play with her because they may become attached and I'd never give her away.

To allow a toddler to play with and become attached to a toy for months and then ask for it back seems unkind at best.

OP, you don't have a photo with the toy in it, do you? Or if you could describe it, maybe we can help you find a replacement online. I had to do that when DD managed to lose a favourite toy that she had found in a charity shop years ago.

Definitely YANBU.
Your ex, his DSis and one or two posters are completely out of order.

Your friend, though, sounds utterly wonderful. I hope your DD and Woolly become best mates!

Yanbu. Arseholes.

Bugger, what a horrible bunch.

The poor wee mite is only four! To a four year old that toy was no doubt a big reassurance that her useless daddy loves her, even if he doesn't see her very often. It's how they deal with things at that age.

She was upset, not spoilt.

Right! (Rolls up sleeves) I sense an eBay search - did you take a pic of the cat or remember anything about it?

Yep. What CSI Janner said. Describe the cat and we'll get looking. It will be worth it just to imagine the look on your ex SIL's face when your daughter turns up with her OWN cat toy.

Just don't forget to sharpie DD's name onto her new cat. :D

the OP has said her DD doesn't want another of the same toy as she knows it won't be the one she had.

I would actually lay all of this at the door of your Ex. It could well be that he gave the toy to DD without his sister's permission or knowledge, and she's been wondering where her toy is all this time, and only this time spotted it. And at 25 without DC of her own (and infantalised by her parents, it sounds like), she may have no idea of how a child gets so attached. And I don't think it's for anyone here to say that the sister shouldn't be attached to her toy.

But there is no excuse for your Ex. I second what others have said, change your number, block him on social media and let him come calling. I'm struggling to see what positives he or his family bring to your DD.

My eldest is 17. If he did what your SIL did now, let alone in 8 years time, I'd be ashamed of him