AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

THinking more about your DD's situation at your ex's home - she's only allowed in 2 rooms, they don't feed her (you have to send a packed lunch for her) and they make her cry and don't give a shit, your ex never buys/gives her anything and nor do the rest of them apart from one measly bottle of bubbles and a t-shirt - do they really want her there? Does she really want to go? Clearly she is very attached to her Daddy because she was SO happy that he gave her a toy (even if he didn't and it wasn't his to give anyway) - but they don't really give a shit about her, do they? Any of them. :(

Oh your poor little girl. So lucky that she could then adopt "Woolly" as all toys need owners.

My DD (18) has her toy hippo (one ear missing, back paw hanging off by a thread) in her bottom drawer. She used to sleep with it and take it everywhere (by the missing ear!) from a baby.

She'll never part with it.

Your ex is a dick and your SIL was silly not to have removed it months ago before your DD grew fond of the toy. He had the opportunity to say, "no DD, aunty has let you borrow her cat but she wants it back" right back at the beginning but he chose not to. If it wasn't for keeping, it should never have left SIL's house. Of course the 4 year old will get confused and think it's hers.

What sort of horrible person takes a beloved toy away from a small child?

I have toys with sentimental value but if my niece became attached to one of them I would be happy to see her happy and enjoying it and of course she could keep it.

YANBU!

No, Thumbwitch they don't. Ex and his family are happy to say a lot, but reluctant to do anything. For example, once when DD was sick with D&V, she couldn't go to visit. Cue two days of me being bombarded with texts, phonecalls, from all the family, accusing me of keeping DD from them, the door being knocked at 9.30pm as ex 'wanted to check that DD was really sick'. Yet when he and his family do actually have her, they do nothing with her- she sits in the house watching TV. They are very, very strange people, very manipulative and dysfunctional. I have had a completely normal upbringing and had never encountered people so odd, so when I started going out with ex, I found myself completely out of my depth. Honestly I could fill a book.

Ex probably won't see D for at least 6 weeks, because of the cat and the crying incident- dealing with an upset DD is too much like hard work. I am so incredibly tempted to change my phone number in that period. He knows where I live, after all- I feel like it would be leaving the ball in his court, it's not like I am hiding DD as I skip the country. Would it be wrong to do that?

All been said by others but by crikey your friend is lovely.

Looking back at the op, I missed it was a gift to the sister. Anyhow, I can't see any evidence that the sister meant anything other than a loan. She may well have given it to play with, missed it when dd took it home without her knowledge and then finally spotted it yesterday.

If the ex can take a toy off a small child I'm fairly sure he's capable of lying to his sister about where her things have gone.

Still gobsmacked at the poster who would give a child their car just because they asked for it. Wow!

I don't know if it would be wrong, I suppose it might be considered wrong by some but frankly it sounds like a bloody good idea! Let him work a bit harder to see his child - it might make him realise what he's missing. As you say, it's not like you're skipping the country or moving house and not telling him; you could always say you had to change it because you were being harassed by someone (i.e. him! But don't tell him that bit ). Thing is, once he did turn up, you'd have to give him your new number though because he'd need to be able to contact you while he had DD if anything happened (she got sick or whatever), so it's probably all a bit pointless. :(

ONe thing I would probably do (because I'm not in this situation but also because I wouldn't be able to help myself and I don't believe in protecting the children from how appalling their other parent is) is to explain once more to your DD that the cat wasn't ever hers or her Daddy's but Aunty X's cat, and Daddy should never have let your DD keep it and think it was hers forever. But no doubt that would be wrong too (I'd still do it though)

Its possible a 4 year old would NOT understand the concept borrowing.

The sister just sounds mean.

If it was indeed the case the cat meant something why didnt they try and offer DD a replacement of some sort or explain to ease her upset inc her father?

Is contact with thi family healthy all round?

Difficult if toy was loaned it needs to be returned. If given your dd should have kept it. For those says sil is 25 this cat has been with her for 25 years and might mean an awful lot to her. (For all you know it could gave been a special relative who since passed) I have a dog who means more to me than anything else in the world. he still sleeps in my bed so no danger of being apart from me. I'd be very upset if passed to my sisters children (my family wouldn't). I'd give them anything else (and I mean anything...TV...anything) and just given them my childhood Lego, playmobile etc but this dog...I couldn't. Tbh I think the ex is in the wrong here as if the toy was loaned it should never gave been given. He owes op dd a little replacement cat. I love ops friend. What a lovely lady.

Thumbwitch I would do that too.

londonrach - the OP clearly states that the sil was given the cat by a friend to whom she no longer speaks, around her 18th or thereabouts birthday.

I'mm so sad for your daughter. Would having no contact with SIL be possible. She sounds like a loser of the highest order.

P.s. what 25 year old would just loan a toy. It's like Mr Burns taking candy off a baby. Your SIL needs to grow up and move out of her parents house. Maybe she'd then have bigger things to worry about than a stuffed cat.

Yanbu. Even if it was supposed to just be a loan, who would be so heartless as to take a toy back from a 4 yo girl who has obviously become attached to it?!

I missed the point earlier - you said your DD had it for two months before it got taken back? That's mean... I thought she'd had it a day or two.

When I was 14 I lent a load of my old sylvanian family things to a young child friend, she was over the moon... But turned out she thought I'd given them to her. I was gutted as had wanted to keep for my children, and a lot of hard earned pocket money had gone into them. I let it go as knew she had misunderstood, and she was just a kid. Any decent 25 year old would surely do the same!

Worse, coolcat - 4-5months ago! 4-5 months is a very big proportion of a 4 yo's life. :(

SIL sounds like a little witch to me. I have sentimental toys from my childhood that I still own, but my son will be getting them as soon as he is old enough to know that it doesn't go into his mouth, and old enough to understand that they don't leave the house. A 25 year old woman can't even give her niece a toy that they clearly are attached to? She would do well to grow a generous bone in her body.

(Just one question- did you not notice the condition of the toy? I would have thought there would have been a bit of a difference in the condition of a recently shop bought toy and something that is years old? It's just if your ex was making out he had bought it for her, I would have thought that you would have known it was bullshit just by glancing at the toy.)

Ex sounds like a prize asshole as well, basking in the glory of 'buying' your daughter a new toy, basically lying to your face, when all along he knew that it was someone elses. He then has the audacity to ask for it back, rather than facing the music with your SIL and saying 'I'm sorry, I gave it away to DD.,' and then dealing with the consequences. What a spineless little shit.

As for primarkprincess, I think you should look up the definition of spoilt. This little girl is clearly being deprived by her asshole Dad of at least some lovely treats and gifts.

make sure when she does go back that you keep wooly behind just in case she gets "lost" i've met this sort of family before unfortunately i used to send my DD over but before she went we put all her cuddles and specials to bed to await her return

BTW if she has D&V again skype the family with the evidence over and over and over (look this is what the duvet cover looks like and WHY!) im a bit nasty when it comes to this sort of thing my ex family decided to feed her rubbish in spades so she vomited in buckets and i said if they ever did it again i would be posting the vomit through the letterbox and the dirty clothing (13 years later i swear i can still SMELL it the most awful way to get over your fear of vomit)

YANBU to be upset. Her dad gave it to her by the sounds of it.

At least if he HAD to return it to his sister he could have made up a little something and bought her a special replacement rather than sending a very upset girl home to you.

I am in slight toe minds about giving it back, maybe it was hers and she was pissed off with him giving it away, a bit petty but really it's him that is the major arse I think.

Toe petty, that's not a thing. TOO petty.

By the way, I am not saying that as soon as a child takes an interest in something that you own you should give it away, it is just that in this circumstance SIL clearly didn't miss the toy that well as it was months before she wanted it back. There must be some sort of point-scoring, petty reason why she wants it back all of a sudden. The girl was allowed to get attached to it. If I had something of sentimental value that meant that much to me, I sure as hell wouldn't be letting it out of my house to get dirty or dropped on the street and lost. Something is amiss here.

I would guess he is a tight knob and just gave her something lying around without checking he could first, rather than buying something.

Oh that poor child :(

She was told it was a gift for her from her daddy, who doesn't behave well towards her and doesn't give her anything usually. This gift has significance. It's a symbol. She was encouraged to love it and became really attached. Then some of you call her spoilt when she became distraught when it was taken away. Twisting her sadness into a tantrum based on nothing that was written by the OP. What a oddly strong desire to slap someone down on a thread for the sake of it. Even when it involves calling a child spoilt and a thief, at age four. Wow. Disgusting. Almost as disgusting as her father, who sounds like a complete loser.

This is not some of kind mini adult preschooler thief, this is a father being needlessly cruel, with the aunt playing an undefined yet dubious role in it.

Who does that to a child?!

OP, is there a way you can minimise contact?

Hmm, I take it that the dad didn't go into his sister's bedroom without her permission to get a toy. Of course, the toy could have been in the living room or something, which is odd but possible.