AIBU to think they should have let DD keep the sodding toy?

[captainbarnaclesismyboyfriend]

DD is 4. I have been separated from her arrogant manchild father for 2 years. Lots of backstory: his family is incredibly dysfunctional, very toxic mother who smothers her adult children, my ex as a result was extremely difficult to live with, behaviour bordering on EA. He dips in and out of DD's life, leaving havoc in his wake. I'm not perfect but I do think I have tried my absolute best to facilitate contact with ex and his family, often to the detriment of my own plans/happiness.

Ex lives with his parents and his 2 adult siblings. About 4-5 months ago, DD came back from the house with a small cuddly cat toy. She said ex had given it to her. I was pleased at this: he never buys her anything, in fact I used to have to buy DD birthday/Christmas presents 'from him' until I got a grip. I still have to send packed lunches to his house when she visits

DD is very attached to this toy. She sleeps with it every night and takes it everywhere with her. She makes a lot of the fact that 'her Daddy got her it and it's her favourite toy in the world'

DD sees ex on average once a month, or every 6 weeks. Yesterday she spent the afternoon with ex and his family. When he dropped her home, she was sobbing- really hysterical, heartbroken sobs. I naturally asked ex what was wrong. He informed me that his sister (aged 25) had decided to take 'her' cat toy back from DD. This was news to me. Nobody had ever mentioned the cat toy was anything other than a gift bought for DD by my ex.

Apparently it was in fact a birthday present from the sister's friend when she was 18 or so. The sister had 'lent' it to DD to play with, but apparently DD was not supposed to take it home and keep it. Yesterday the sister spotted DD with it. and decided she wanted the toy back. So she took it from DD who naturally had a complete meltdown

I was very short with my ex and said 'for god's sake, she is 25, could she not just let the poor child keep the toy, your sister hasn't missed it in months'

Ex just shrugged and said 'but it is HER (sister's) toy. It was never DD's.'

DD sobbed and howled until bedtime, then she woke sobbing in the middle of the night saying she missed her cat. I wanted to tear ex and his whole family apart. I have rarely seen my DD so inconsolable

I told my lovely, lovely friend all about it, and bless her, this morning she drove 30 miles to her parent's house to get the toy lamb that she has had from she was DD's age. She came straight to my house afterwards, and gave DD the lamb, along with a note asking her to take adopt it, as Woolly has been alone in the attic for ages, with no little girl to cuddle. This seems to have worked quite well (friend was given bottle of wine and cake for her troubles) but I am still spitting with rage. I can't believe ex and his family. This is just another example of how they don't give a damn about DD and her feelings, they don't even see her as a child who needs nurtured and occasionally indulged.

Sorry for the rant. Am I BU and overreacting? I know it's possible the toy cat had a lot of sentimental value for exSIL but honestly I doubt it. It's not a particularly special/unusual toy (one of those you get in Toys R Us with the sort of red tags hanging from their ear?) and she doesn't even speak to the friend who gave her it!

The father allowed the wee one to think it was her toy. He did not correct her when she told her mum it was hers. He allowed her to think it was hers. For months. He is a fucking twat and if I was your friend op, I would've given your little one ALL the cuddly toys in my attic.

Any who OP. Couple of things

EX is a knob jockey.
SIL is spoil and selfish.
Your DD is 4yo and sounds sweet natured and lovely.
Your friend sounds amazingly kind hearted (can you tell her a complete stranger thinks this please )

Lastly don't give them a second thought. They're not worth it

I agree with ghost - good job this is an anonymous forum because we would all be turning up at your house with cars full of cuddly toys!

At Nishky
At some of the negative responses. Loons!
YANBU. At all.

Bunch of total and utter bastarding bastards.
Your ex family I mean.

Who does that to a child?

I don't have any children I do have tons of nieces and nephews and some toys from my childhood that are very special to me

Some of them (toys) I've give to DN& godchildren because toys are meant to be played with. (See Toy Story)

The two that I couldn't bare to lose stay in my room.

To me what they did was just cruel.

I wouldn't be going out of my way to facilitate contact with these twats. What exactly do they bring to your dd's life? other than tears.
Your friend sounds lovely though.

Hope SIL is proud of herself. Yes it was hers but FFS 25 years old and took a teddy bear off a small child. Heartless bitch.

Your poor daughter! I can totally understand why you are angry.

Quite fitting someone calling herself primarkprincess posts comments that are cheap and nasty.

The family sound awful, the sil is pathetic and I feel for your little dd. Thankfully you have a kind and thoughtful friend there.

I have pmt and shed a tear thinking about your DD when the Cat was taken away. Your ex is a dick.

Yanbu and Your friend sounds lovely.

I have a teddy bear that I had as a baby, only DD is allowed to cuddle it. I don't trust DS with it.

I would allow any child who come into my home to play with it, if it was to get damaged I would be upset.

The auntie shouldn't have let her play with the cat for 4 months then decide she wanted it back.

Both your ex & his sister are a pair of prize prats.

Children at this age can get very attached to one toy, my dd still talks about her special toy she lost four years ago and cried a few times for about a year after it had gone. She also didn't want a replacement one for the same reason. To take one away from a child who believed it was a present from her beloved daddy (who is a complete twat) is just beyond imagination. These are mean people and I think the less pretend present buying/facilitating contact when they can't be bothered (once every six weeks is pathetic) and are not considerate of her welfare the better.

YANBU - well, you are because you made me cry . Your friend sounds lovely and so clever - I'm welling up at her story of lonely little Woolly in the attic with no-one to cuddle him.

Your ex and his sister are cunts.

It sounds like your DD was given it - and in any case, four year olds do not understand loans and shouldn't be expected to.

I feel sorry for the little girl but am aghast at some of the responses, particularly the poster who said she would give a small child her car if it made them happy! Seriously?

I don't have any toys that are of sentimental value but I can imagine if that if I did, I might feel pressured to let a small child play with them without wanting to give them up permanently. Perhaps the sister has been nagging the ex for ages to have it back?

The ex sounds like the problem here. He gave away someone else's possessions and let his daughter believe they were hers.

Btw, for those who cannot understand the value of toys to adults - there is a poster on MN whose brother was killed in a car crash who had the police bring back his teddy bear to her as a keepsake.

I seriously doubt anything like that happened here, but you never know, the cat may have been a gift a close friend who died, or a first love that didn't work out. I don't think it's unreasonable to get attached to random objects per se.

Maybe primarkprincess is SIL

My dh's niece is nearly 4 and is attached to a cuddly toy her aunt gave her as a toddler. Her mum worries about it going missing, because any time she mislays it she takes a tantrum! We've all tried to see if we can find the same toy in any shop but have been unsuccessful so far.

To think that a grown adult deliberately upset your daughter like that - words fail me!

Poor little soul. One of my DSs had a teddy that he couldn't sleep without so I can totally imagine the scenario.

I would split the blame between your ex who should never have allowed the situation to develop and his sister who should have let your daughter keep it. I couldn't take anything from a small child who had been led to believe it was hers.

Neither of them seem very tuned in to small children.

If you pm me your DDs name and your address she might just receive another little friend needing a home....

What a total fuckface bunch of shitheads they are.

YADNBU. And I feel so on your behalf.

Seriously send me your address!! (I am not a weirdo)!

In her first post OP mentions that the sister is not in contact with the person who gave her the toy. No dead people here but, if it was an important toy, the ex shouldn't have allowed the girl to take it with her, he was obviously happy to receive the compliments for 'getting' a toy for DD.

Your ex sounds bloody nasty and so does she.

A four yr old would have understood perfectly well that cat didn't leave house and she could play with it there. Mine have managed that with countless toys at grandma and grandads house since they were tiny ffs.

Thy clearly gave her the impression it was hers and let her get attached to it. And then thought it would be funny to take it away. Fuck knows why, it's just frickin mean and selfish. And as for barely being allowed on the house, well there are no words.....

Your friend is lovely by the way

I understand the sentimental value of things.

I have a wooden chest I rarely open that is filled with toys. They mean a lot to me which is why I would never lend them to a four year old because little children don't understand loans.

But sometimes I open it and look at their faces staring up at me - yes I am that sad person who arranges them - and think that maybe a child should love them. And then I close the lid and consign them to the dark again.

I am crying now . They mean ever such a lot to me but if there was a mistake and they ended up in a child's hands I'd never take them back.

Margotlovedtom, your comment made me

Your poor dd... Your ex & his sister sound horrible. Cold & uncaring.. How could she stand there & watch a child cry like that.

I think you should point out to ex that the reason dd was so attached to the toy was because she thought it came from him & getting anything material or some attention from him is very rare.

I too would be fuming

I think your ex sounds HORRIBLE and while I think it was very unfair I do see also that it wasn't his to give...my sister took one of my childhood toys and gave it to her DD who was luckily just a tiny baby...well I wanted it for my OWN baby!

So I took it back!

However...your ex needs telling about this...he HAS to buy DD a lovely toy...I want to throttle the bastard on your and DDs behalf!