To tell SIL she can't be my bridesmaid? Long, sorry.

[CatThiefKeith]

Brief history:

Dh and I booked our wedding 6 years ago, and I asked my dsis to be Matron of honour. Dh said he would like sil to be a bridesmaid, which was fine. Both were asked, and accepted.

Then fil fell ill, and we bought the wedding forward a year, and cancelled the big wedding in favour of a quick to organise registry office. Sadly it was all in vain and fil passed away in the early hours of the morning of our wedding.

We went ahead with the ceremony, but not the reception, and it was a pretty somber affair. Sil understandably did not attend, mil and my dsis were witnesses, then we all went home in tears.

Fast forward 5 years, dh and I are renewing our vows abroad in a couple of months, and are hoping this will be a much happier occasion. (We were originally planning a family holiday, then noticed we could add on the wedding package for around 1k and thought "let's do it")

We now have dd, sil has an 18mo dd, both are flower girls along with my two nieces.

Mil has just called, to say Sil is badgering her to ask me when we are going dress shopping. I assume she means for the Children and explain I am buying them on the internet.

Then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it. It wasn't her fault that fil died, she'd lost out on being bridesmaid because if it, and would be devastated to be uninvited.

My issues are:

1. I can't have sil without reinstating my dsis,

1. 4 is too many already (but couldn't not have any of them)

1. Cost. 4 flower girl dresses will probably be at least £100, plus shoes, hair gumf and flowers etc

Aibu to think her bridesmaid ship has sailed and stick to my plans?

(Sil is 26 and has been bridesmaid at least twice already btw)

Wow Jane, you clearly have some problems going on in your life that you need to deliberately misinterpret everything that has been said here.

Why not go off and try to come to terms with them instead of trying to muckrake on here? You know, everyone deals with grief in a different way. The day my Dad learnt his mother had died (she was living in Communist era Poland) he had to go out a dig a fucking grave because that was his job and he bloody well couldn't afford to lose a days pay. He was completely devastated. He hadn't seen her since 1939 when he was 17. So don't talk about what you think other people should have done because you have no idea what the situation was and you come across like a complete bitch.

Keith - great idea about the witness idea and hope this appeases SIL. Most of all, have a wonderful day full of happy memories. I bet your late FIL would think it's a fabulous idea and will be smiling down on you.

Wow, this took a crazy turn...

Given the back story, I think the witness idea is a great compromise.

Good luck OP and hope your day is wonderful

If it was me I would probably just ask DSIS and DSIL to be bridesmaids or 'part of the wedding party', I can't see why your friends would be put out if you were only having immediate family as bridesmaids but I would say you couldn't afford to buy the dresses so they would have to if they wanted to.

BUT I also do think it is absolutely reasonable to do as you have done and asked the little ones to be flower girls and the older ones to be witnesses, perfectly acceptable and I think if SIL is funny about it she is in the wrong.

I cannot believe how disgusting Jane has been with those comments, you do not deserve that at all!

When I read your first post, longjane, I thought you'd maybe got the wrong end of the stick accidentally and would be back to apologise. The fact that you not only failed to apologise but carried on misrepresenting the facts and being as offensive as you possibly could demonstrates that you are either extremely stupid, deliberately goading, or have problems. Whichever it is, go off and sort yourself out quickly, you're clearly not entirely well.

A chilhood friend was killed in a car accident on the way home from his brothers wedding rehearsal, they went ahead with the wedding the next day as they thought it would be what he wanted. Jane you come across as a very nadty person.

Nasty even

Great idea about being a witness!

I can't understand a grown woman being upset about not being a bloody bridesmaid

I don't really understand why you even have bridesmaids at a renewal? Why don't you just tell her it isn't a wedding so there aren't any? Presumably you're not signing a marriage certificate or anything - what is being "witnessed" that people are suggesting you co-opt her for?

Ps in general, I think it's always nice if there are more guests than attendants - sounds like you're in danger of tipping over that balance....

Angel I am waiting for an email back to find out whether we need witnesses or not.

My paperwork seemed to suggest so, but it might just be because it is a generic wedding pack.

ah i see. i would be very surprised if you needed witnesses. Did you tell them it is a renewal?

Longjane are you feeling okay in yourself headtilt

Anyhoo Cat, SIL will need to suck this 1 up and cop herself on. The whole thing sounds like it'll be lovely PLUS a holiday built in what more could a person want.