To tell SIL she can't be my bridesmaid? Long, sorry.

[CatThiefKeith]

Brief history:

Dh and I booked our wedding 6 years ago, and I asked my dsis to be Matron of honour. Dh said he would like sil to be a bridesmaid, which was fine. Both were asked, and accepted.

Then fil fell ill, and we bought the wedding forward a year, and cancelled the big wedding in favour of a quick to organise registry office. Sadly it was all in vain and fil passed away in the early hours of the morning of our wedding.

We went ahead with the ceremony, but not the reception, and it was a pretty somber affair. Sil understandably did not attend, mil and my dsis were witnesses, then we all went home in tears.

Fast forward 5 years, dh and I are renewing our vows abroad in a couple of months, and are hoping this will be a much happier occasion. (We were originally planning a family holiday, then noticed we could add on the wedding package for around 1k and thought "let's do it")

We now have dd, sil has an 18mo dd, both are flower girls along with my two nieces.

Mil has just called, to say Sil is badgering her to ask me when we are going dress shopping. I assume she means for the Children and explain I am buying them on the internet.

Then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it. It wasn't her fault that fil died, she'd lost out on being bridesmaid because if it, and would be devastated to be uninvited.

My issues are:

1. I can't have sil without reinstating my dsis,

1. 4 is too many already (but couldn't not have any of them)

1. Cost. 4 flower girl dresses will probably be at least £100, plus shoes, hair gumf and flowers etc

Aibu to think her bridesmaid ship has sailed and stick to my plans?

(Sil is 26 and has been bridesmaid at least twice already btw)

Shes is being VU. She didnt ask you or dd to be but expected to be a bridesmaid as well as her DD. Tell her its a renewal not a wedding and you inly want children. Tell her you thought she would understand after planning her weddings it not something to do with paying to get there, if shes bridesmaid will she expect you to foot the bill vs her going as a guest.

tell her its a renewal not a wedding and surely she understands under the circumstances of the first wedding you want a nice day and to be able to plan that day without any drama, shes had her day and this is yours. Get DH to sort it out and whys MIL putting pressure on you, he needs to put his foot down with both of hem

Your MIL is being very sorry with her lost her chance comment.

Do what you want. Do not be pushed into doing something you don't want to. Call you SIL and say "your mother has said you are upset not to be a bridesmaid but we are not having bridesmaids as it is a small renewal but I hope you enjoy seeing your dd be a flower girl." If she is then stropping after that then just ignore.

Oh for heavens sake just do it. She wants to be part of your day and really - it's not worth souring family relations for the sake of £120 at Coast. It's a fraction of what you'll be spending...

Are you sure sil actually wants to be a bridesmaid and not just mil wanting it for her?

It does seem off considering she didn't ask you or your dd to be bms for her.

Twenty six and married? Good grief.

Just say you are not having bridesmaids as this isn't a wedding, it's a renewal and you are having flower girls.

Is it that she wants to be involved in the pre wedding stuff and thinks only bridesmaids can do this?

Could you have her walk her DD down the aisle, and just go with her to buy a dress? Pseudo-compromise?

4 flower girls (in darling frocks and bouquets) 2 matrons of honour (sil and ds (toning posh frocks provided by themselves, bouquets if they feel the urge) to look after flower girls. Girly pampering session, hair, manicure and photos in lieu of hen night pissup. Job done.

just talk to your SIL, MIL could have got this completely wrong - my MIL has 4 DC and the Chinese whispers that can go round are ridiculous, small things get blown out of proportion and people are told things as fact that aren't the case at all.

Is it about being a bridesmaid or about what your wedding means and the connection with her late father? It the wedding that should of happened and may hold special meaning to SIL.

Absolutely not bu at all! I'm that a lot of posters think you are!

This is OP's wedding! She shouldn't have to have an extra bridesmaid that she doesn't want or need just to placate a grown up married woman ffs.

Hate bloody weddings anyway

Sorry but this is madness.
Surely this wedding is about OP and her dh.
Not the father.
Not the sil.

Just explain it to her. You're being totally reasonable and she should understand that it's not a personal slight, but that the old plan to have her and your sister as bridesmaids was in completely different circumstances, before kids came along etc. If she doesn't understand that, then she is being silly, and selfish. It's not even as if you're still having your sister but not her.

Sounds to me like your mil is sticking her oar in though, you'll probably find sil isn't bothered at all!

I'd offer her an olive branch in the form of doing a reading. She'll still have a role, but not one that involves you paying for her dress.

I would just shrug it off.

'Oh gosh no, we're not doing the whole bridesmaids/grooms men thing for our renewal. We can still go shopping though!... Blah, blah.'

Ok, you're having a renewal abroad, if you pander to Sil and have 6 bridesmaids, how many guests will there actually be? What is the ratio of wedding party to guest? If your DH then has 6 accompanying men, it will be totally OTT. Escape weddings are normally to make it simpler not more complicated. Have a conversation with Sil

I would suspect that's MIL assuming. Sil probably is quite happy not being.

On the basis that I assume her dd wasn't going to be a bridemaid the first time, I'd phone her up and have a conversation along the lines of gently saying that you asked her dd instead of her because you thought she'd prefer that, but if she'd rather you could return to the original situation of her being instead. Perhaps if she feels her dd isn't up to it..?

Talk to your SIL.

Leave MIL out of the loop completely as she sounds like she has her own agenda.

Congrats.

Why haven't you just spoken to her about it?

It's a renewal not a wedding ergo no need for bridesmaids

That said it is your renewal and you should do as you please. And at 26 she is a) old enough to understand and b) old enough to speak tonyour herself rather than putting mummy up to it (although that said do you thinksil has said this or could it be mil sstirring?!)

Erm yes it is a renewal rather than a wedding no?

I'm surprised you're even having flower girls (beyond perhaps your dd in a pretty dress perhaps) Surely that's your get out? It's not actually a wedding.