To tell SIL she can't be my bridesmaid? Long, sorry.

[CatThiefKeith]

Brief history:

Dh and I booked our wedding 6 years ago, and I asked my dsis to be Matron of honour. Dh said he would like sil to be a bridesmaid, which was fine. Both were asked, and accepted.

Then fil fell ill, and we bought the wedding forward a year, and cancelled the big wedding in favour of a quick to organise registry office. Sadly it was all in vain and fil passed away in the early hours of the morning of our wedding.

We went ahead with the ceremony, but not the reception, and it was a pretty somber affair. Sil understandably did not attend, mil and my dsis were witnesses, then we all went home in tears.

Fast forward 5 years, dh and I are renewing our vows abroad in a couple of months, and are hoping this will be a much happier occasion. (We were originally planning a family holiday, then noticed we could add on the wedding package for around 1k and thought "let's do it")

We now have dd, sil has an 18mo dd, both are flower girls along with my two nieces.

Mil has just called, to say Sil is badgering her to ask me when we are going dress shopping. I assume she means for the Children and explain I am buying them on the internet.

Then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it. It wasn't her fault that fil died, she'd lost out on being bridesmaid because if it, and would be devastated to be uninvited.

My issues are:

1. I can't have sil without reinstating my dsis,

1. 4 is too many already (but couldn't not have any of them)

1. Cost. 4 flower girl dresses will probably be at least £100, plus shoes, hair gumf and flowers etc

Aibu to think her bridesmaid ship has sailed and stick to my plans?

(Sil is 26 and has been bridesmaid at least twice already btw)

I'm not really sure - the paperwork I have is for a Civil Ceremony, which the wedding co-ordinator on resort assures me is pretty much the same ceremony barring a few changed words, so I had assumed we would.

Oh shit. I bet we don't. I hope he hasn't rung her yet - I had better check first!

longjane

Why are you persisting on being a goady cow?

As your DH was happy to speak to SIL about this, it sounds like he's completely on board about things having changed and not wanting her as BM. I'm sure he is, but you need to be 100% sure about this.

With everyone saying 'just let her', I think they are forgetting that this is DH's vow renewal too, his dad died too after making him promise to go through with the registry office. He thinks things have changed, his children didn't exist last time but now they do, they should be celebrated at a vow renewal and take center stage. His sister - now married with a kid - is a different person now and it would look weird for her to parade down surrounded by little ones (no insult meant to anyone who had one adult bm and lots of fg/bs).

OP, in my mind there's no question that you and DH should get the vow renewal that sprung to mind when you were in the travel agents - I bet SIL wasn't in that picture. Or DSis either for that matter. Not harsh, just that you have your own little family now and they are center stage.

I do think you should continue with DH being the one to sort SIL out about this, if she and MIL see it's what he wants not just you being bridezilla they'd be more likely to back down IMO.

You appear to have totally ignored the OPs post explaining how the FIL hadn't wanted them to cancel and neither did the MIL or SIL longjane. You come across as very very nasty.

Longjane - you think DH should have gone against his DF's wishes for the sake of his mother and sister?

Oh no sorry, you think OP should have taken it on herself, without discussion, to cancel for the sake of DH, MIL & SIL EVEN THOUGH MIL clearly at the time thought it should go ahead as she STILL ATTENDED.

Stop being a troll.

Renewal of vows is a made up thing, it has no legal standing like a wedding. You can say whatever you like and do whatever you like. You can have 40 witnesses and 100 bridesmaids if you want. It is an artificially created ceremony which has the bonus of being entirely flexible.

then mil exclaimed that as we had originally asked sil, we were duty bound to honour it.

Since when are you duty bound to do ANYTHING at a renewal?

Especially since at the time of the wedding you never suggested you would have a renewal later and do this within the framework of the original wedding.

In those 5 years things have changed, in my mind the role of bridesmaid HAS been honoured and you have fulfilled your 'duty' in that by passing the job onto your 3 nieces and daughter.

I don't get it. The whole family are involved and valued. Just in a slightly different way.

Isn't it, under the circumstances, nice to look to the future rather than to look back at the past and the dreams that never happened due to tragedy?

longjane are you the SIL?

Oh, hello Jane, how nice to see you again.

Can I just point you in the direction of my post at 14:02:16 where I state we didn't expect anyone to shell out to come except Mil and my parents (We have contributed to their costs, they wouldn't let us pay for all of them)

Then have a look at my post of 12:10, where I state We went to the travel agent, booked a holiday, and on impulse added on the wedding package and try to understand that dh and I would just like some nice photos and a few happier memories than the ones we have.

Then ask yourself if I should really have cancelled it and denied dh the opportunity to carry out his dying fathers wishes....

And then Fuck off to the Far side of Fuck you nasty bitch.

Aren't the witnesses the people who sign (witness?) the marriage certificate?

So longjane, you think the OP's DH should have disregarded the last wish of his dying father?

You're a piece of work, you are.

PrimalLass - No way, Sil is actually lovely most of the time, she wouldn't write that in a million years.

Who make the the person they loved most marry them on the day they lost their dad.

Really!
Oh course the cat should have cancel the wedding .

Who asks people to spend 1000s on renew

Cat you are con big time by the travel company you could have done this uk for no money just money for outfit s and the party forwards.

Diddl I have a horrible feeling you might be right. Fortunately Dh hasn't phoned her yet.

I have emailed the wedding co-ordinator and am awaiting her reply...

SIL needs to grow the fuck up.

It's your vows- do what you want.

longjane do fuck off.

it's great that you want to find her something.

but if not, she'll just have to put up with it tbh, and accept that there will just be the young bmaids.

Dying wishes are cruel no one should make them .
The living are more important .
Cat DH and MIL were in no fit sate to going to wedding and they should not have left SIL alone.

Who in there right mind would marry someone who had just lost their father.

Why should fuck off

For those of you that have lost a parent
Would have got married the day you lost a parent .

Who remember that got there vows renewed by the cleaner on holiday they paid a fortune for it too.

Jane, I was not conned by the travel agents, dh and I did it on a whim as we were going on holiday ON OUR OWN with our dd and thought it would be nice. I have stated this several times

We then offered to pay for our surviving parents to join us as they all thought it was a lovely idea.

We wouldn't have organised it in the UK because it had never occurred to us until that day 18 months ago in the travel agents.

But you just carry on with your warped vision of me dragging my poor sobbing dh down the aisle with my jaw set and a steely glint in my eye, forcing him into a lifetime of misery and pain wedded to the bitch that is CatthiefKeith!

Seriously Jane, you seem determined to paint me as a monster, when I am anything but. Are you quite well?

Who said SIL was on her own? She was, in fact, with BIL, two aunts, and her paternal grandparents.

And we were gone less than an hour.

Have you considered grief counselling Jane? I mean this sincerely, because this thread seems to have struck a wrong note with you and I am fairly sure you are taking it way too personally.

If you can't face counselling, the bereavement boards on here can be an amazing source of support.

I'm sorry I told you to fuck off.

People deal with grief in different ways. There is no 'right' way and no 'wrong' way. Just one that you are most comfortable with at the time.

You may even end up having doubts at a later date, but ultimately what you decide at the time is the right thing because your emotions change over time as you come to terms with things and you can't predict that at the time.

Its not for anyone to come along 5 years later and pass judgement on that decision. Especially people that don't know the individuals concerned.

I've got a bit confused! If this was just op and dh and dd and then they extended the invite to their parents how come the nieces are flower girls? Were they always coming? If so, does that mean sil was always coming? And the sister, is she coming? Why not have all the 'old' attendants along with the 'new' flower girls and just keep everyone happy. It's obviously turned into something bigger than expected, more a second wedding than a low-key renewal of vows. Not that I really understand what the point of a renewal is but I'd just go with the flow, less stress that way!

Surely the nieces and your dd are in lieu of whatever was planned 5 years ago , before they were even born . She could still dress up in keeping to accompany her dd but is no longer a bm .